I am, uncomfortably, going to fail at answering your questions. But I do have one of my own, which I've been mulling a while--can we excel WITHOUT a monkey on our backs? Is there a gentle way to achieve peak performance? I look back at my education in much the same way you do: high-level; 'elite.' I recall waking one morning, age 14, with an anvil on my chest and thinking: "Will this be the rest of my life?" I've spent 20 years UN-learning how I learned to learn so I can feel relief and expansiveness in my body. Which has me wondering, with kids of my own to educate... how will we do it? What do I really want for them? And actually, did that insane pressure really draw out the 'best' from me?
I have these same thoughts about kids education. I cannot unsee what I see in both my nieces (age 9 and 13). Add to that my own high achieving personality and the links migraine disease had to perfectionism, auto immune disease to type a personality and in society terms it drew out the best in me; I was successful, ticked all the boxes. In my own personal terms, it cost me my health In Its entirety. And then I found myself cast aside by society. And not only that, I was expected to stay there. (How it felt to me)
I’ve noticed that “doing everything very fast” is a very activated response for me. Your comment about not being late reminded me of this — I’m always rushing if I’m trying to get somewhere. I’ve always been very fast at completing things — I was always the first one done a test and still a star student. At jobs, I’ve always finished my work before it’s expected, etc. Lately I’ve noticed I still have this compulsion to speed through my work, even if it doesn’t serve me (for example if I’m getting paid hourly…)
I was mentally picking through this tendency the other day. I don’t think that this is all of it, but I think my brain has a logic in place (from early on, likely throughout school but also from growing up in a home where responsibilities were always BEFORE relaxing), that the faster I do this thing that’s required of me, the faster I get to do what I want to do. The faster I finish this test, the faster I get back to reading my book. The faster I finish my chores, the sooner I get to relax. It’s about getting to relaxation faster, but also if I rush through boring things, I can get back to interesting things faster. Avoiding both overwhelm and boredom.
However, rushing and feeling like I’m racing is often really stressful, and especially in activities that take a set amount of time or a long time (8 hours of work, or chipping away at a years-long environmental restoration project on our land) it really only serves to exhaust me.
I’m trying to figure out how to work WITH that spike of energy I get at the beginning of a project (“maybe I can get this done really quickly! Look at all this progress! Wow! So motivated!”) while also knowing the whole time that the dip in energy will come (who? Me? acting surprised by my own patterns for the 567th time?), being okay with the energy eventually waning and just recognizing it as part of my energy flow and cycle. And making a conscious effort to slow down whenever going fast switches from feeling fun and exhilarating to feeling exhausting.
I think it’s tough sometimes because it can be really exciting to be activated; excitement and anxiety can really feel so similarly in the body to me.
I’ve come so incredibly far in my healing journey. Yet, I still struggle with excitement in my body. It’s like I haven’t yet learnt to fully embody excitement. Not in a grounded way. It takes it out of me. It’s got me wondering about a lot of things like joy, happiness, excitement, money, freedom…what do we do with it once we’ve got it?
This is so so real!!! The exact question I’ve been living for the last few years. My life got almost overwhelmingly good very quickly a couple years ago, and my capacity to receive, enjoy, relax, believe that I deserve good things, etc, has had to significantly expand. It seems like it would be easy as pie to receive goodness, but not necessarily haha!
This is really good to know and understand thank you. I’ve been practicing opening up to receive for the past couple of years, been able to relax for a few years now (when my counsellor said I seemed relaxed, I realised I didn’t need to go back - I’d been seeing him for 3.5 years).
Been working on my self belief a couple of years too. I think it’s the expansion side of it I’m on with this year.
Let me know if you’ve written about this anywhere, I’d love to read any aspects of your story on this.
I’ve just won an ebook publishing competition with a big one (global) up for grabs next month that I’ve been manifesting. This year for me sounds like your other year.
a timely read — i'm currently considering whether or not to leave a high-paying, high-status, perfectionist-requisite, performance-hyperoptimizing tech job for ..... the life I actually want? i'm so sick of taking and killing myself to perform every moment, every day. my response recently, actually, has been to give up on the test entirely.
i destroyed myself in high school to get the 'best' fancy-pants education possible, then destroyed myself recruiting to get the 'best' high-variance, high-velocity tech job possible. the result: my stress reaction is now so extreme, so panicked, so decimating, that the only way i've been able to cope is to start "giving up" entirely. to convince myself that it's ok that i'm failing, because i *chose* to; to be utterly unable to face the fact that i am not perfect, because anything less than excellence is worthlessness. that is no way to live.
another thing i think that drives this is an identity-level core shame around failure; much much much more to say on this, would love to hear how you relate to shame. ok gotta hop on a call now but thank you deeply for this piece
Hi, I often wonder the same thing. Did I want to be a good student or have I pursued excellence through my education because I knew at the end of the year I would send a copy of my report card to my dad (which constituted 50% of our annual interactions) ?
exactly!! what’s the diff between what we actually want or between what we *should* want? (maybe even what we *want* to want?) for so long those lines were unintelligibly blurred
I feel that I often view much of the world as basically a binary of success or failure -- with little room for gradation. And often, I haven't even clearly defined 'success' to myself. It's simply a success if I feel that little burst of satisfaction afterward -- which makes it impossible to predict..
I have the same problem. All tests of any kind stress me out. But I found a weird safety in the eye doctor in particular. Last time I went, I felt like it was the one place where it was ok if I were an idiot, if I wasn't being a perfect patient. Not that I was being difficult on purpose, just that it was a revelation that my mistakes wouldn't matter, because most of the time, they do.
I also found that I have a outsized anxiety response to any kind of getting in trouble. Last week I got pulled over by the police at night because (unbeknownst to me )one of my headlights had gone out. My heart was pounding as the officer walked up to my window. I don't think that's normal.
Massive perfectionist and over achiever here. To the extent that I used to measure my own handwriting at school (I’ve just written a piece about this!) It still plagues me in other ways but I am learning to get along with Ms. Perfection. She’s not so bad.
I was really good at taking tests so perhaps that led me to think of them as a game. In college (Penn in the early'80s) there were not pluses or minuses. So the perfect score for me was a 91 because on a transcript it was the same as a 98. Minimum effort, maximum result was the game.
The only tests I'm neurotic about now are my various medical tests.
I went to a perfume making class for fun while I was traveling in France. The teacher was giving me instructions and I noticed how nervous I was about making a mistake. I was doing everything meticulously and slowly and I wanted his feedback. Of course if you mess up the perfume it’s hard to undo it and the products are expensive but STILL!
I've found my perfectionism creeps in in settings that are actively meant to be addressing it, e.g. in appointments with my psychologist. I want them to come away feeling impressed by me, and so I give the answers I think they want, which is entirely unhelpful for my recovery.
In saying that, I have made a lot of progress addressing the beliefs that fuel this cycle, and actively working against keeping the cycle going. I regularly journal about what I think will happen if I was to fail at something or give an answer that isn't expected. It almost always comes down to a fear of rejection and being right as a way to circumnavigate that. I now practice intentional failing. I force myself to slow down when I feel rushed. It's incredibly difficult but the only way I can see to restore balance.
You have to wonder at all the pressure and stress, the evidence this doesn’t improve outcome and is adding to physical and mental impact/burden. Why do we continue with this system when this is known?
It’s the same with a sedentary lifestyle, we know this kills at younger age and yet we intentionally seat our kids at a desk all day everyday and use their playtime to discipline. The activity that is essential to health and wellbeing.
I was a perfectionist until I learnt of its connection to migraine disease. I remember buying some “perfectly imperfect” strawberries from Tesco in 2020 and deciding that I was going to adopt this approach. I’ve been practicing ever since.
Def a type a personality over here! “Disliking being driven” is linked to one part root cause of migraine. It took me 3 years to work out what this meant! Disliking being driven to perform. Disliking being driven to be good. Disliking being driven to achieve. Disliking being driven to be perfect. Our education system is built on driving students. No wonder migraine is affecting 1 in 7 and 23% of women.
By learning and allowing to let my body lead the way like we discussed in our podcast the other week, it sent me along the path of learning to regulate my nervous system. I didn’t know this was what I was doing at the time - my body was guiding me and I was responding. It took me 3 years to learn and regulate (probably half the month at a time). 6 years on and I’ve never been so relaxed in my body, so open energetically, so regulated, so balanced. I’ve also never enjoyed the wellness that i do now - not at any point in my adult life.
Great essay, thank you Rachel. I also found myself trying to do well on the peripheral vision test, also blood pressure tests and even blood test (sure hope my cholesterol remains ‘perfect’, but reader, it didn’t). I didn’t realise how much I must have assumed speed is good until my body required me to slow down. I’m learning there is a heady efficiency in ease. These days I perform better going at whatever is my natural pace on the day. By perform better, I mean have an assured outcome: dinner is cooked and edible, maybe even delicious. The paperwork is completed and contains bo errors. With the easeful accomplishment I sleep better and have mental space to write.
I’ve gained so much by working to my natural pace of the day. As challenging as it’s been, it’s started to become easier. After a long time in the practice, I’m now able to achieve more in a 2 week period than I used to be able to manage in 2 months! And I can rest, honour where I’m at, look after myself and fit in most things I need/want to. It has been so revolutionary I wonder if I’m achieving more than I’ve ever achieved in my entire adult life. When you consider that working in the corporate world running round like a headless chicken has you attending an insane amount of pointless meetings where everyone’s time is wasted including those that set them up and the extra work added in because you’re in a rush and not as productive if you took regular breaks and worked less etc. it’s insane to think that this is what we call life and we’re having to figure out other ways so that we can be well.
I relate to this. Having children has forced me to reevaluate my need for perfection and control, because not only is it no longer achievable, it’s quite laughable. Most days I’m grateful for this forced letting go, but every now and then I get overwhelmed with the askewness of my life.
I actually feel called out and seen at the same time reading this. I notice if I don't consciously relax, I'm basically tense and stressed as a default. I even catch myself measuring if I'm relaxed enough during a massage. Which turns into being frustrated with people who actually take things easy. I find that little reminders to take a deep breath throughout the day help with it, but unlearning this perfectionism, being the quickest, an so on, well, it's a lifelong study (that I'll perfect, obviously, hehe)
Now this is a fun one to discuss. I’m curious if others feel it. First, I definitely relate to your anxiety of making the dern traffic light and you know what?! I blame the folks that placed the walking countdown in vision of all the drivers. How can we not be expected to notice this detail and use it to heighten our commute anxiety?! I mean, c’mon!
Also, you taking about this highlighted another traffic “test” of sorts that really gets me wound up. The four way stop. Okay. Let’s start by saying only about 33.33% of people know how to do them correctly. And I am one of those people. Duh. As an enneagram 1, I lean more toward that perfectionist / moral code follower side. So, not only does my heart race when entering a four way stop because I MUST perform appropriately and succinctly, but I am also cataloguing every flaw of the other cars at that stop!
“That white expedition has zero awareness and uses their size to bully through. It wasn’t their turn.”
This behavior of mine has led to a ridiculous anxiety of sorts at any four way stop. Maybe the roundabout is the way to go 😂
I am, uncomfortably, going to fail at answering your questions. But I do have one of my own, which I've been mulling a while--can we excel WITHOUT a monkey on our backs? Is there a gentle way to achieve peak performance? I look back at my education in much the same way you do: high-level; 'elite.' I recall waking one morning, age 14, with an anvil on my chest and thinking: "Will this be the rest of my life?" I've spent 20 years UN-learning how I learned to learn so I can feel relief and expansiveness in my body. Which has me wondering, with kids of my own to educate... how will we do it? What do I really want for them? And actually, did that insane pressure really draw out the 'best' from me?
I have these same thoughts about kids education. I cannot unsee what I see in both my nieces (age 9 and 13). Add to that my own high achieving personality and the links migraine disease had to perfectionism, auto immune disease to type a personality and in society terms it drew out the best in me; I was successful, ticked all the boxes. In my own personal terms, it cost me my health In Its entirety. And then I found myself cast aside by society. And not only that, I was expected to stay there. (How it felt to me)
I’ve noticed that “doing everything very fast” is a very activated response for me. Your comment about not being late reminded me of this — I’m always rushing if I’m trying to get somewhere. I’ve always been very fast at completing things — I was always the first one done a test and still a star student. At jobs, I’ve always finished my work before it’s expected, etc. Lately I’ve noticed I still have this compulsion to speed through my work, even if it doesn’t serve me (for example if I’m getting paid hourly…)
I was mentally picking through this tendency the other day. I don’t think that this is all of it, but I think my brain has a logic in place (from early on, likely throughout school but also from growing up in a home where responsibilities were always BEFORE relaxing), that the faster I do this thing that’s required of me, the faster I get to do what I want to do. The faster I finish this test, the faster I get back to reading my book. The faster I finish my chores, the sooner I get to relax. It’s about getting to relaxation faster, but also if I rush through boring things, I can get back to interesting things faster. Avoiding both overwhelm and boredom.
However, rushing and feeling like I’m racing is often really stressful, and especially in activities that take a set amount of time or a long time (8 hours of work, or chipping away at a years-long environmental restoration project on our land) it really only serves to exhaust me.
I’m trying to figure out how to work WITH that spike of energy I get at the beginning of a project (“maybe I can get this done really quickly! Look at all this progress! Wow! So motivated!”) while also knowing the whole time that the dip in energy will come (who? Me? acting surprised by my own patterns for the 567th time?), being okay with the energy eventually waning and just recognizing it as part of my energy flow and cycle. And making a conscious effort to slow down whenever going fast switches from feeling fun and exhilarating to feeling exhausting.
I think it’s tough sometimes because it can be really exciting to be activated; excitement and anxiety can really feel so similarly in the body to me.
I’ve come so incredibly far in my healing journey. Yet, I still struggle with excitement in my body. It’s like I haven’t yet learnt to fully embody excitement. Not in a grounded way. It takes it out of me. It’s got me wondering about a lot of things like joy, happiness, excitement, money, freedom…what do we do with it once we’ve got it?
This is so so real!!! The exact question I’ve been living for the last few years. My life got almost overwhelmingly good very quickly a couple years ago, and my capacity to receive, enjoy, relax, believe that I deserve good things, etc, has had to significantly expand. It seems like it would be easy as pie to receive goodness, but not necessarily haha!
This is really good to know and understand thank you. I’ve been practicing opening up to receive for the past couple of years, been able to relax for a few years now (when my counsellor said I seemed relaxed, I realised I didn’t need to go back - I’d been seeing him for 3.5 years).
Been working on my self belief a couple of years too. I think it’s the expansion side of it I’m on with this year.
Let me know if you’ve written about this anywhere, I’d love to read any aspects of your story on this.
I’ve just won an ebook publishing competition with a big one (global) up for grabs next month that I’ve been manifesting. This year for me sounds like your other year.
a timely read — i'm currently considering whether or not to leave a high-paying, high-status, perfectionist-requisite, performance-hyperoptimizing tech job for ..... the life I actually want? i'm so sick of taking and killing myself to perform every moment, every day. my response recently, actually, has been to give up on the test entirely.
i destroyed myself in high school to get the 'best' fancy-pants education possible, then destroyed myself recruiting to get the 'best' high-variance, high-velocity tech job possible. the result: my stress reaction is now so extreme, so panicked, so decimating, that the only way i've been able to cope is to start "giving up" entirely. to convince myself that it's ok that i'm failing, because i *chose* to; to be utterly unable to face the fact that i am not perfect, because anything less than excellence is worthlessness. that is no way to live.
another thing i think that drives this is an identity-level core shame around failure; much much much more to say on this, would love to hear how you relate to shame. ok gotta hop on a call now but thank you deeply for this piece
Hi, I often wonder the same thing. Did I want to be a good student or have I pursued excellence through my education because I knew at the end of the year I would send a copy of my report card to my dad (which constituted 50% of our annual interactions) ?
exactly!! what’s the diff between what we actually want or between what we *should* want? (maybe even what we *want* to want?) for so long those lines were unintelligibly blurred
I feel that I often view much of the world as basically a binary of success or failure -- with little room for gradation. And often, I haven't even clearly defined 'success' to myself. It's simply a success if I feel that little burst of satisfaction afterward -- which makes it impossible to predict..
Great piece.
I have the same problem. All tests of any kind stress me out. But I found a weird safety in the eye doctor in particular. Last time I went, I felt like it was the one place where it was ok if I were an idiot, if I wasn't being a perfect patient. Not that I was being difficult on purpose, just that it was a revelation that my mistakes wouldn't matter, because most of the time, they do.
I also found that I have a outsized anxiety response to any kind of getting in trouble. Last week I got pulled over by the police at night because (unbeknownst to me )one of my headlights had gone out. My heart was pounding as the officer walked up to my window. I don't think that's normal.
Massive perfectionist and over achiever here. To the extent that I used to measure my own handwriting at school (I’ve just written a piece about this!) It still plagues me in other ways but I am learning to get along with Ms. Perfection. She’s not so bad.
I was really good at taking tests so perhaps that led me to think of them as a game. In college (Penn in the early'80s) there were not pluses or minuses. So the perfect score for me was a 91 because on a transcript it was the same as a 98. Minimum effort, maximum result was the game.
The only tests I'm neurotic about now are my various medical tests.
I went to a perfume making class for fun while I was traveling in France. The teacher was giving me instructions and I noticed how nervous I was about making a mistake. I was doing everything meticulously and slowly and I wanted his feedback. Of course if you mess up the perfume it’s hard to undo it and the products are expensive but STILL!
I've found my perfectionism creeps in in settings that are actively meant to be addressing it, e.g. in appointments with my psychologist. I want them to come away feeling impressed by me, and so I give the answers I think they want, which is entirely unhelpful for my recovery.
In saying that, I have made a lot of progress addressing the beliefs that fuel this cycle, and actively working against keeping the cycle going. I regularly journal about what I think will happen if I was to fail at something or give an answer that isn't expected. It almost always comes down to a fear of rejection and being right as a way to circumnavigate that. I now practice intentional failing. I force myself to slow down when I feel rushed. It's incredibly difficult but the only way I can see to restore balance.
you do what? oh I admire you so much. please, share more!
You have to wonder at all the pressure and stress, the evidence this doesn’t improve outcome and is adding to physical and mental impact/burden. Why do we continue with this system when this is known?
It’s the same with a sedentary lifestyle, we know this kills at younger age and yet we intentionally seat our kids at a desk all day everyday and use their playtime to discipline. The activity that is essential to health and wellbeing.
I was a perfectionist until I learnt of its connection to migraine disease. I remember buying some “perfectly imperfect” strawberries from Tesco in 2020 and deciding that I was going to adopt this approach. I’ve been practicing ever since.
Def a type a personality over here! “Disliking being driven” is linked to one part root cause of migraine. It took me 3 years to work out what this meant! Disliking being driven to perform. Disliking being driven to be good. Disliking being driven to achieve. Disliking being driven to be perfect. Our education system is built on driving students. No wonder migraine is affecting 1 in 7 and 23% of women.
By learning and allowing to let my body lead the way like we discussed in our podcast the other week, it sent me along the path of learning to regulate my nervous system. I didn’t know this was what I was doing at the time - my body was guiding me and I was responding. It took me 3 years to learn and regulate (probably half the month at a time). 6 years on and I’ve never been so relaxed in my body, so open energetically, so regulated, so balanced. I’ve also never enjoyed the wellness that i do now - not at any point in my adult life.
Great essay, thank you Rachel. I also found myself trying to do well on the peripheral vision test, also blood pressure tests and even blood test (sure hope my cholesterol remains ‘perfect’, but reader, it didn’t). I didn’t realise how much I must have assumed speed is good until my body required me to slow down. I’m learning there is a heady efficiency in ease. These days I perform better going at whatever is my natural pace on the day. By perform better, I mean have an assured outcome: dinner is cooked and edible, maybe even delicious. The paperwork is completed and contains bo errors. With the easeful accomplishment I sleep better and have mental space to write.
I’ve gained so much by working to my natural pace of the day. As challenging as it’s been, it’s started to become easier. After a long time in the practice, I’m now able to achieve more in a 2 week period than I used to be able to manage in 2 months! And I can rest, honour where I’m at, look after myself and fit in most things I need/want to. It has been so revolutionary I wonder if I’m achieving more than I’ve ever achieved in my entire adult life. When you consider that working in the corporate world running round like a headless chicken has you attending an insane amount of pointless meetings where everyone’s time is wasted including those that set them up and the extra work added in because you’re in a rush and not as productive if you took regular breaks and worked less etc. it’s insane to think that this is what we call life and we’re having to figure out other ways so that we can be well.
"I may have lost my ambition, but I still wanted to ace this inconsequential test of making it through the light." HARD RELATE.
Health biomarkers. Continuously bio-hacking for optimising my metabolic markers (e.g. LDL and blood glucose).
Ended up with chronic illnesses because of the stresses, perfectionism, etc.
I relate to this. Having children has forced me to reevaluate my need for perfection and control, because not only is it no longer achievable, it’s quite laughable. Most days I’m grateful for this forced letting go, but every now and then I get overwhelmed with the askewness of my life.
I actually feel called out and seen at the same time reading this. I notice if I don't consciously relax, I'm basically tense and stressed as a default. I even catch myself measuring if I'm relaxed enough during a massage. Which turns into being frustrated with people who actually take things easy. I find that little reminders to take a deep breath throughout the day help with it, but unlearning this perfectionism, being the quickest, an so on, well, it's a lifelong study (that I'll perfect, obviously, hehe)
Now this is a fun one to discuss. I’m curious if others feel it. First, I definitely relate to your anxiety of making the dern traffic light and you know what?! I blame the folks that placed the walking countdown in vision of all the drivers. How can we not be expected to notice this detail and use it to heighten our commute anxiety?! I mean, c’mon!
Also, you taking about this highlighted another traffic “test” of sorts that really gets me wound up. The four way stop. Okay. Let’s start by saying only about 33.33% of people know how to do them correctly. And I am one of those people. Duh. As an enneagram 1, I lean more toward that perfectionist / moral code follower side. So, not only does my heart race when entering a four way stop because I MUST perform appropriately and succinctly, but I am also cataloguing every flaw of the other cars at that stop!
“That white expedition has zero awareness and uses their size to bully through. It wasn’t their turn.”
This behavior of mine has led to a ridiculous anxiety of sorts at any four way stop. Maybe the roundabout is the way to go 😂