The way breastfeeding mothers shame non-breastfeeding moms makes me sick. I do breastfeed my baby, and besides two rounds of mastitis had a relatively easy time compared to some horror stories I've heard from friends. However, my daughter still has skin issues and struggles with moderate eczema, so.... And let's face it: breastfeeding is HARD, even if it goes "well." Thank you for sharing, Rachel.
So hard. So hard. I am having a "good" breastfeeding experience right now with my seven month old, and I'm mostly cherishing it because of the above experience, but it's still so hard. Or rather, it still requires so much of ME. If I can be ok with that, and if I can set up my life to be removing milk from myself every 2-3 hours, ideally with my baby, then it can be great. But modern life really isn't set up for that.
“ modern life is not set up for that” : ain’t that the truth ! bring back 40 day postpartum community nurturing of new mothers (I mean i’d bring back the red tent if I could ) Seriously community nurturing, presence of doulas and mothers in the post part i’m … this is how the recuperation, adjustment learning and development of maternal intuition and confidence happens best - not to mention early detection of mastitis.
And cabbage leaves #ftw.
Natural might not be remarkable but if you can’t then don’t - or use the technology we now thankfully have. ( can’t conceive >IVF … can’t feed >formula ) Imagine the maternal & infant mortality that mastitis was probably responsible for in times gone by. .
We are animals and it is of little interest to nature whether 100% of us do all the things 100% - it’s a numbers game - some can some can’t and some don’t make it at all ( i was distraught about needing C-section - until hearing this pearl from a wise one).
Finally - funny story - i overhead my husband giving feeding /formula/sleep advice to one of his new father mates - I was so proud!!
Breastfeeding is such a personal choice—for the mom and the baby! No one tells you that you both have to learn how to do it. Mastitis is no joke. I was lucky to have a close friend who was a nurse midwife who helped me through mine (Chinese medicine; turning the baby’s nose towards the plugged duct; and the best, cold cabbage leaves from the fridge on that burning boob!). I also managed to nurse my twin daughters but one of them couldn’t and was losing weight until we paid for a lactation consultant to help us (she had a high arched palate and needed a nipple shield when she nursed). Nursing is a full time fucking job, especially in those early months. I was losing my mind and had to write down each feeding so I could see that I wasn’t spending ALL my time doing it. Tipped me into major depression. And we survived it somehow. Cheers to you for writing about the Madonna - Whore shame cycle experienced here in the US.
Phew, twins. In major awe of you! I love that detail that you had to write down when you fed so that you could see that it wasn't all the time...lol that's the kind of thing that's hard to understand outside of the altered universe that is early postpartum.
Well done oh well done and well written( I say this as someone lucky enough to have found it - mostly - easy). Would love to send you something relevant to thank you but don’t really have anything at the moment, only this which hopefully will make you laugh, what better ..
Thanks for writing this and sharing it. I think of breastfed longer than was mentally healthy for me, but when you’re in the thick of it it’s hard to see that. This sounds like a truly wretched experience and it sounds to me like you *did* do enough, even if you have that creeping feeling sometimes that you didn’t.
I heard an NPR radio show talking about breastfeeding as a status symbol. Only women who have the time and money to fight through all of the roadblocks can breastfeed.
Fascinating, and so sad. I think what's so hard about that is that hospitals push breastfeeding so hard, and the official American Academy of Pediatrics recommendation is to breastfeed for two years...so if only rich women can do it, then our whole system is just set up to shame everyone else.
Oh Rachel. Part of me wants to cry on the floor for you and for me and for all of us. I still feel a lot of shame because I had to give my first two the f-word. Formula. And it was medically necessary! My oldest was a 29-weeker and needed it to gain weight. I basically exclusively pumped with her. My son also spent three weeks in the NICU and needed it to gain weight, and we did a combo of nursing and pumping. And after the formula shortage - which luckily we did not experience - I feel even more shame about what I potentially put in their bodies. The reality is though, I couldn't produce enough for various reasons and they needed the additional nutrients.
I did exclusively breastfeed my third for 20 months. I would have kept going because the American Association of Pediatricians says two years (unless they revised that because as you've pointed out, there is no research). In some ways it was easier and less depressing than pumping and visually seeing my low supply BUT My older two are generally more independent and the baby has major separation anxiety so I wonder what did all of that breastfeeding really do?
Sending you hugs and a big thank you for resharing this post.
Wow, fascinating to hear about your three different experiences, thanks for sharing. I think breastfeeding guidelines and classes really ignore the NICU experience, which is not so uncommon, and completely changes priorities in those early weeks and months. Also..the F-word...lol
Thx for sharing your journey. I pumped while my preemie twins were in the NICU for 2 months. Once home I tried to b-feed. They weren’t getting enough milk. Finally a woman from La Leche League visited and tried to help. When she too threw her hands in the air and said, “You did your best. Their sucking is just too weak,” the guilt melted away. Even the expert agreed; I wasn’t a bad mom after all.
I often say that mastitis is worse than child birth, because nothing good comes of it, and that if someone that has had mastitis doesn't agree, they haven't really had mastitis. Such an awful infection, and one I have had multiple times myself. Thank you for sharing your experience, it will make others feel less alone ♥️
Thank you for sharing your experience. I unfortunately had the same struggles, in the middle of the 20222 formula crisis when society collectively flipped the middle finger at women and moms.
I always think it’s very telling that the designation is named “baby friendly” and not mom/family friendly. For me, that says everything you could ever need to know.
Thank you for sharing this, Rachel. I have noticed the shaming that goes on — even if not said — for those who choose for whatever reason, not to breastfeed. And the dear mothers are often even embarrassed and feel guilty. I learned this when my first grandaughter's mother opted and for good reason for bottle feeding. It did take me a while, but soon I realized the harmful bias that I had and even worse the judgmental feelings that went along with that.
Many of us are so very seriously attached to a destructive needful desire for attaining perfection! Especially women, and of course, in our attitudes and actions in relationship to our children.
It is so important to share these stories, because a lot of the narrative around breastfeeding suggests that if we just put babies on our chest, they will crawl to the breast and know what to do. And that is just not true. Having breastfed two babies with relative ease I feel like it's a bit like kissing different people: with some it feels easy and good and with others just not so much. My second baby never latched as easy as the first one did, and if he had been the first, I'm not sure I had kept going for as long as I did.
And with regards to the data on formula versus breastfed kids: as a scientist I think it is nearly impossible to correct for things like socio-economic status, so a large part of what we're measuring on the longer term is more related to (on average) who can afford to continue breastfeeding (highly educated, wealthier people) versus people who cannot afford that. (full disclaimer: I have worked for one of the large food companies that produce infant formula)
This was so intense to read and it’s so important and so glad you wrote it. So so important.
I feel like when a woman is in this much pain and distress from breastfeeding, it’s got to be a better option to switch to formula. Babies are such sponges and they need to be around regulated nervous systems so they can co-regulate and develop their own settled, regulated nervous systems. I gotta think a happy healthy mom is in the long run so much more crucial than breastfeeding.
That being said i don’t know what I’m talking about!!
I do think that milk banks are AMAZING and it’s so wonderful that mothers will donate their extra milk to moms who can’t breastfeed. That’s LOVE and solidarity !!!!
Sorry to read how painful your breastfeeding journey was. I’m in Australia where it’s normal to take a year off with each child which definitely helps. I also got a lot of information from online groups about breastfeeding although those groups then tend to turn pretty cult-like seeing formula as the devil. The only reason I was able to breastfeed my twins was because I fed my daughter before then and knew I could do it; I was also lucky to never have mastitis despite getting a few clogs. Can’t imagine feeding through so much pain. Lack of support is also a broader issue, I felt like I didn’t matter for years after having children - totally invisible, a function not a person.
The way breastfeeding mothers shame non-breastfeeding moms makes me sick. I do breastfeed my baby, and besides two rounds of mastitis had a relatively easy time compared to some horror stories I've heard from friends. However, my daughter still has skin issues and struggles with moderate eczema, so.... And let's face it: breastfeeding is HARD, even if it goes "well." Thank you for sharing, Rachel.
So hard. So hard. I am having a "good" breastfeeding experience right now with my seven month old, and I'm mostly cherishing it because of the above experience, but it's still so hard. Or rather, it still requires so much of ME. If I can be ok with that, and if I can set up my life to be removing milk from myself every 2-3 hours, ideally with my baby, then it can be great. But modern life really isn't set up for that.
I hope you can ditch the shame it serves no-one.
“ modern life is not set up for that” : ain’t that the truth ! bring back 40 day postpartum community nurturing of new mothers (I mean i’d bring back the red tent if I could ) Seriously community nurturing, presence of doulas and mothers in the post part i’m … this is how the recuperation, adjustment learning and development of maternal intuition and confidence happens best - not to mention early detection of mastitis.
And cabbage leaves #ftw.
Natural might not be remarkable but if you can’t then don’t - or use the technology we now thankfully have. ( can’t conceive >IVF … can’t feed >formula ) Imagine the maternal & infant mortality that mastitis was probably responsible for in times gone by. .
We are animals and it is of little interest to nature whether 100% of us do all the things 100% - it’s a numbers game - some can some can’t and some don’t make it at all ( i was distraught about needing C-section - until hearing this pearl from a wise one).
Finally - funny story - i overhead my husband giving feeding /formula/sleep advice to one of his new father mates - I was so proud!!
.love your writing
Yes. It's intense and exhausting.
Breastfeeding is such a personal choice—for the mom and the baby! No one tells you that you both have to learn how to do it. Mastitis is no joke. I was lucky to have a close friend who was a nurse midwife who helped me through mine (Chinese medicine; turning the baby’s nose towards the plugged duct; and the best, cold cabbage leaves from the fridge on that burning boob!). I also managed to nurse my twin daughters but one of them couldn’t and was losing weight until we paid for a lactation consultant to help us (she had a high arched palate and needed a nipple shield when she nursed). Nursing is a full time fucking job, especially in those early months. I was losing my mind and had to write down each feeding so I could see that I wasn’t spending ALL my time doing it. Tipped me into major depression. And we survived it somehow. Cheers to you for writing about the Madonna - Whore shame cycle experienced here in the US.
Phew, twins. In major awe of you! I love that detail that you had to write down when you fed so that you could see that it wasn't all the time...lol that's the kind of thing that's hard to understand outside of the altered universe that is early postpartum.
Well done oh well done and well written( I say this as someone lucky enough to have found it - mostly - easy). Would love to send you something relevant to thank you but don’t really have anything at the moment, only this which hopefully will make you laugh, what better ..
https://www.dropbox.com/scl/fi/7uvzrfak7no9nn4m2te4x/BAD-COOK-2024-NOW.docx?rlkey=7q8o9cg3wnc2ydmuoe8ujgt9z&dl=0
Thanks again - and what matters - hugs to your son
Ruth xxx
www.Ruthhfinnegan.com Ruthhfinnegan@gmail.com
Thanks for writing this and sharing it. I think of breastfed longer than was mentally healthy for me, but when you’re in the thick of it it’s hard to see that. This sounds like a truly wretched experience and it sounds to me like you *did* do enough, even if you have that creeping feeling sometimes that you didn’t.
"in the thick of it it's hard to see that" AMEN. So true for so many women I know.
I heard an NPR radio show talking about breastfeeding as a status symbol. Only women who have the time and money to fight through all of the roadblocks can breastfeed.
Fascinating, and so sad. I think what's so hard about that is that hospitals push breastfeeding so hard, and the official American Academy of Pediatrics recommendation is to breastfeed for two years...so if only rich women can do it, then our whole system is just set up to shame everyone else.
Oh Rachel. Part of me wants to cry on the floor for you and for me and for all of us. I still feel a lot of shame because I had to give my first two the f-word. Formula. And it was medically necessary! My oldest was a 29-weeker and needed it to gain weight. I basically exclusively pumped with her. My son also spent three weeks in the NICU and needed it to gain weight, and we did a combo of nursing and pumping. And after the formula shortage - which luckily we did not experience - I feel even more shame about what I potentially put in their bodies. The reality is though, I couldn't produce enough for various reasons and they needed the additional nutrients.
I did exclusively breastfeed my third for 20 months. I would have kept going because the American Association of Pediatricians says two years (unless they revised that because as you've pointed out, there is no research). In some ways it was easier and less depressing than pumping and visually seeing my low supply BUT My older two are generally more independent and the baby has major separation anxiety so I wonder what did all of that breastfeeding really do?
Sending you hugs and a big thank you for resharing this post.
Wow, fascinating to hear about your three different experiences, thanks for sharing. I think breastfeeding guidelines and classes really ignore the NICU experience, which is not so uncommon, and completely changes priorities in those early weeks and months. Also..the F-word...lol
Thx for sharing your journey. I pumped while my preemie twins were in the NICU for 2 months. Once home I tried to b-feed. They weren’t getting enough milk. Finally a woman from La Leche League visited and tried to help. When she too threw her hands in the air and said, “You did your best. Their sucking is just too weak,” the guilt melted away. Even the expert agreed; I wasn’t a bad mom after all.
I often say that mastitis is worse than child birth, because nothing good comes of it, and that if someone that has had mastitis doesn't agree, they haven't really had mastitis. Such an awful infection, and one I have had multiple times myself. Thank you for sharing your experience, it will make others feel less alone ♥️
Thank you for sharing your experience. I unfortunately had the same struggles, in the middle of the 20222 formula crisis when society collectively flipped the middle finger at women and moms.
I always think it’s very telling that the designation is named “baby friendly” and not mom/family friendly. For me, that says everything you could ever need to know.
Thank you for sharing this, Rachel. I have noticed the shaming that goes on — even if not said — for those who choose for whatever reason, not to breastfeed. And the dear mothers are often even embarrassed and feel guilty. I learned this when my first grandaughter's mother opted and for good reason for bottle feeding. It did take me a while, but soon I realized the harmful bias that I had and even worse the judgmental feelings that went along with that.
Many of us are so very seriously attached to a destructive needful desire for attaining perfection! Especially women, and of course, in our attitudes and actions in relationship to our children.
Again, thank you for this piece.
It is so important to share these stories, because a lot of the narrative around breastfeeding suggests that if we just put babies on our chest, they will crawl to the breast and know what to do. And that is just not true. Having breastfed two babies with relative ease I feel like it's a bit like kissing different people: with some it feels easy and good and with others just not so much. My second baby never latched as easy as the first one did, and if he had been the first, I'm not sure I had kept going for as long as I did.
And with regards to the data on formula versus breastfed kids: as a scientist I think it is nearly impossible to correct for things like socio-economic status, so a large part of what we're measuring on the longer term is more related to (on average) who can afford to continue breastfeeding (highly educated, wealthier people) versus people who cannot afford that. (full disclaimer: I have worked for one of the large food companies that produce infant formula)
This was so intense to read and it’s so important and so glad you wrote it. So so important.
I feel like when a woman is in this much pain and distress from breastfeeding, it’s got to be a better option to switch to formula. Babies are such sponges and they need to be around regulated nervous systems so they can co-regulate and develop their own settled, regulated nervous systems. I gotta think a happy healthy mom is in the long run so much more crucial than breastfeeding.
That being said i don’t know what I’m talking about!!
I do think that milk banks are AMAZING and it’s so wonderful that mothers will donate their extra milk to moms who can’t breastfeed. That’s LOVE and solidarity !!!!
Sorry to read how painful your breastfeeding journey was. I’m in Australia where it’s normal to take a year off with each child which definitely helps. I also got a lot of information from online groups about breastfeeding although those groups then tend to turn pretty cult-like seeing formula as the devil. The only reason I was able to breastfeed my twins was because I fed my daughter before then and knew I could do it; I was also lucky to never have mastitis despite getting a few clogs. Can’t imagine feeding through so much pain. Lack of support is also a broader issue, I felt like I didn’t matter for years after having children - totally invisible, a function not a person.