"Do you ever feel guilty for being exhausted or depressed when you are in a privileged position? How do you hold both truths, that you are so lucky and still suffering so much?"
Managing through this right now. I find myself battling anxiety and downward swings, while being in an amazing position in life. I hold a senior position in my firm, have a beautiful little family, and can support said family in one of my favourite cities in the world. My circumstances today are much different than where I came.
Yet, I feel the same anxiety and fear that I had as kid. That I am not doing enough. That I am unsafe. That it could all disappear tomorrow.
Therapy helps. It helps to spill it all out on the table and pick up the pieces with a professional. But to say I have all the answers would be lying. This was an awesome post and I appreciate it very much.
Yeah, this is one of the things I struggle with most, but also, I think, one of the most interesting questions of our time for people with privilege: how can so many of the privileged be also miserable and sick? It's a question I plan to never answer but to ponder and write about for my whole life :)
I find myself pondering/writing on the same. I suppose it's all from our roots and what makes us tick. I went into therapy the other day to discuss my stress about money (we're selling out condo right now ugh) and ended up talking about how neglected I felt as a child and I tie money to safety/self worth.
I don't think there's ever a complete answer, but there are always clues we need to dig for to help guide us to why we are the way we are.
Have you ever had a similar experience with permission, where you didn’t know you needed it, but once it came it felt so empowering?
-I continued working "full time" 5 days a week after my 2nd and 3rd child (with a spouse also pulling that, plus more at times). It took nearly two years after my 3rd child of the rat race of daily commuting + kids advancing schedules, multiple *signs*, and a mental breakdown moment with a near-stranger gym coach, of all people, to force me to advocate for my own mental health and wellbeing and ask for part-time. I anguished over it. And you know what? Most people hardly recognized (or said much to me about it). I kick myself for not doing it sooner.
Do you ever feel guilty for being exhausted or depressed when you are in a privileged position? How do you hold both truths, that you are so lucky and still suffering so much?
-Both. Exhausted and depressed. And embarrassed. Like we don't have the option to talk about it, as that is another form of privilege.
What are the very first steps you’ve taken to get yourself out of a dark time, burnout or otherwise?
-a consistent exercise routine. HUGE!!
Thank you for this post, Rae. For sharing your story, it is so important to talk about!
Thanks for your thoughtful note, Bethany! You never know what that moment will be when it finally becomes clear you need to do less...or who will be the catalyst. It feels like it can be so random. It's inevitable that looking back it feels like it took to long, but it's great that you took the leap to ask for what you needed to be healthy...some people never do!
“Both. Exhausted and depressed. And embarrassed. Like we don't have the option to talk about it, as that is another form of privilege.” Couldn’t agree more.
I’ve spent the last three years in “work flux” due to long COVID: ass-dragging through full-time, part-time, leave of absence, back to part-time, full-time, part-time, until my last (and final) leave of absence starting last May and still happening. Giving up my exec-level non-profit career was painful. My privilege was a decent salary, which even at 50% translated into a decent disability payment (though the margins are getting very tight around here, and I do feel guilty complaining about that as I sit in my beautiful home in the woods).
Fortunately I had a therapist who herself had struggled with and recovered from chronic fatigue syndrome, by first giving in to acceptance and then drastically rearranging her life to enable her focus to be on recovering. She taught me so much on this journey (I use the past tense because she’s now out on maternity leave - an amazing feat, given how sick she once was). I have struggled so much with “who am I if I’m not (my position/career)?” But she was right; the day would come where I would not regret jumping off the hamster wheel. My health is finally starting to improve, albeit slowly.
Thanks so much for sharing. Deciding to quit is such a big deal. Would you have any interest in speaking with me as part of my interview series on chronic illness? No pressure, but reach out if so! https://raekatz.substack.com/s/ladies-illness-library
I use a different metaphor to describe my experience: I liken my time of intense caregiving to looking for canyons at the bottom of the Mariana Trench, which happens to be the deepest part of the ocean. The pressures at that depth are intense: one wrong move and you implode. I felt like I was on the verge of imploding for several years.
The permission came as something of a tag team effort: my husband agreed to look after my mother for 48 hours in the middle of an October week while I attended a mini retreat hosted by a priestess sister of mine at her ranch. There I was able to see I was on a death spiral - and I could choose to extact myself from it. I chose life.
Just two weeks later, my mother lost her ability to walk, and she went from home to hospital to skilled nursing facility in a matter of days. The evening she entered the skilled nursing facility, I felt like I was able to breathe deeply for the first time in *years* and I began my slow journey of Decompression back to the surface.
My plans were to jump back into a caregiving saddle, since I was technically employed by the state of California, but (long) Covid came knocking at my door and forced a change to those plans. Sometimes I feel like I dodged a bullet there. The good news: I'm down thirty pounds since November 2021 - as I'm no longer eating my feelings - and my blood pressure is back to normal.
Now I am learning to pace myself as I follow my dreams instead of what this twisted culture thinks I "should" do.
Yes and yes to both questions 1 and 2. Last year, I graduated from college and haven't been able to find a job yet. Admittedly, I haven't applied to as many as I probably could have and have allowed myself to be distracted by other responsibilities, but I've still felt burnt out trying to balance finding a job, creating a portfolio of my writing, constantly looking for writing opportunities, and my personal life. I'm so lucky that my parents allow me to continue to live at home while I do all of this, but sometimes it makes it feel like, no matter what I do, I should be doing more.
Last week though, I talked with my dad about jobs and he confirmed that it's hard to find a job, especially for what I want to do and it felt so good. It felt good to not only talk about it but also have someone else give me permission to feel everything I'd been feeling that I almost cried. Thank you so much for sharing this piece. It gave me permission to cry a little bit today before I go back to editing my resume once again.🥲
I'm so glad you were able to have that convo with your dad and that he could give you that permission! Dude, also, job or no job, the first few years out of college are HARD (or the first ten years, in my case, lol). I feel like people don't talk about this enough, or at least didn't in my day--graduation was all about celebrating, but then suddenly you're in a whole new non-school reality trying to figure shit out and feeling like everyone else already figured it out.
Yes! It really does feel like a whole new reality and they definitely still don't talk much about THAT PART of it lol. They send tons of emails about getting ready for graduation and interviewing skills and all that, but nothing else. I knew it would be weird at first but I assumed it would only be for the first few months. It wasn't until my brother told me that it takes most people around 2 years to find a job after graduation (he graduated the year before me) that I started to realize it was going to take much longer than I thought to get the hang of things. Well, that and it's been a year now and I feel like I still just barely know what's going on lol.
Do you ever feel guilty for being exhausted or depressed when you are in a privileged position? How do you hold both truths, that you are so lucky and still suffering so much?
I have, yes. Maybe that's why I write. Because I can, but perhaps a little bit of I feel I should.
What are the very first steps you’ve taken to get yourself out of a dark time, burnout or otherwise?
Agreeing with Bethany Bell's comment about exercise. Even if it (re)starts with long walks instead of something more strenuous.
... and another thing I guess is a very late in life recognition that I'm neurodivergent. That was another huge part of being able to give myself permission to organize my life in a way that prioritizes my mental health. Important for me, and the people around me. And it helps with the guilt. My neurodivergence is part of what brought me the privileges AND the suffering. They're not separable.
I totally agree that starting to understand one's own brain can be absolutely transformative, particularly if it is not operating in the mainstream way. I similarly view my neurodivergence as a source of both superpowers and suffering.
Thanks for pointing me to that interview, it looks awesome and I look forward to reading.
I've worked as a freelance writer since graduating from journalism school in 2011. In that sense, permission has always played a big role in my professional life. I like being in control of my own permissions, but it's also a huge responsibility. No money? Permission granted to work more. No sanity? Permission granted to log off for three months. The pendulum is always swinging.
Feeling depressed for the first time caught me off-guard. There was no cause, no instigating event. All the facts of my life tallied up to a pretty privileged existence. Being privileged, I think, is often equated with having it good in a material sense. As anyone with depression will tell you, no amount of material well-being shelters you from mental storms. From that perspective, there aren't necessarily two truths to hold. One truth is that things are good. The other is that I feel like shit sometimes.
The first step is always focused breathing followed by exercise. Something intense that hurts in a good way the next day. Works every time, without fail.
Love these thoughts, thanks for sharing! Sounds like you've found a pretty good balance, though obviously it's always a work in progress. This is a perfect way to put it when it comes to depression: "One truth is that things are good. The other is that I feel like shit sometimes." Mm, so good.
There is a beautiful video of Jackie Chan with his daughter, watching a collection of clips of his stunt mistakes.
After a bit she asks “did it hurt dad?” And he agrees, then you see the different perspective as they both cry seeing this person punish himself.
I have an unholy endurance, but I learned the hard way that machines have no soul, so stop for a moment, enjoy yourself and enjoy your day, not everyone got this wonderful gift today.
Thank you for sharing, it helps us all to understand that we might have something that we need to say, even to ourselves.
I persisted (with the aid of huge numbers of strong painkillers), in my job for a few years having been told I had arthritis all over, and had degraded discs in my spine. It meant I did more damage. Plus I was walking around in a brain fog. I finally pulled the plug a couple of years ago, but the damage is done. Which has me depressed now. I’m typing this from bed, racked by pain all over. Your health is indeed your wealth! Thanks for sharing.✍️👏
Ack, I'm sorry to hear about your journey and your pain Kevin, but I am glad you finally excised yourself. It is so incredible to me how long we (humans) are able to hang onto goals/careers/trajectories even when they are literally killing us...I certainly did it for a very long time. Here's to resting and perhaps some flickers of vitality for you.
Kevin, you might be interested in the YouTube channel Pain Free You. The guy Dan who posts daily videos suffered with chronic back pain for years until he read Dr. John Sarno’s books and adapted it to his own message. I watch them every morning, even though pain isn’t my main issue (You can really substitute whatever your main chronic health issue in for pain).
As always, Rae, this is incredible - so wise, generous and affirming. I LOVE the way you've broken these steps down too, feels so important and kind to make the process as accessible as possible for ourselves - especially when we're in the throes of that overwhelm - and having a framework like this to explore is so useful for that. Step one especially was resonant for me - I've been so grateful to have that person who was able to reflect the impossibility of continuing to claw my way through so much pain without anything changing, and being given what truly felt like radical permission to explore other possibilities. I now find myself often being that person with clients, and it's a power and responsibility I don't take lightly to ask the question 'really, though, are you well enough to be working right now?' and I've seen it be so transformational to just be given permission to acknowledge how unsustainable things have become, and that being the thing that makes the other steps feel that bit more accessible and tangible. All that to say... massive gratitude for this. I'm sure it will be one I'll return to and cogitate on more.
Jane, I'm so glad that this resonated so deeply and also that you are playing the role of "permission-giver" for others. It is indeed a power and responsibility! We definitely need more of that going on.
So much I want to say here. I had ME/CFS which came on - funnily enough - after an intense period of not saying no, constantly pushing myself - the usual life and being human stuff. But what struck me was the paragraph at the end where you talk about privilege. A couple of years ago, post cancer treatment I'd gone back into freelancing too hard, too soon and was broken. In a tear filled conversation with a friend/client I said I couldn't go on, needed to stop for a bit and started the guilt thing about the privilege of being able to do that. Her response has stayed with me.
She said, 'Yes, you are privileged in being able to walk away from this work, but frankly you'd be an idiot not to use that privilege to look after yourself. So take the time to heal yourself and get healthy physically, mentally and emotionally.' Then Covid hit...but in all of this I have learned that my life follows a boom and bust trajectory. I've spent years trying to flatten that curve (and not entirely succeeding, but at least I recognise it). And right now I'm coming out of another bust phase - the eczema was back, fatigue, brain scrambled, tingling achy limbs - all the old symptoms but quite a bad phase, lasting longer than I anticipated so I'm easing my way back into the world right now.
Thank you for sharing, Harriet. I love your friend's thoughts on privilege. Personally I think it's a fascinating question why so many privileged people DON'T use our privilege to take care of ourselves, and rather use it to continue ascending while hurting ourselves.
I’ve definitely had a similar experience. I had grown and scaled a product team - more than doubling it - in about 6 months. I had a team member verbally abusing me but they wouldn’t let me fire them. I was also experiencing rampant misogyny. I remember going home and I told my husband that yes everything was terrible, but I just couldn’t leave the team and the progress I had made. And I think he said, “you know they’ll be okay, right?”
I started making my exit plan that night....only to land a job at Amazon right as layoffs started. 🫠🥴Fast forward, I wasn’t *as* burned out but 6 months in I just had no desire to do any of it.
I felt so guilty in both positions for being tired and stressed and incredibly depressed, but when I left the first role, all someone said to me was, “Well you’ve been unhappy for a while, right?” 🤦🏼♀️ I wish I’d left a year earlier.
A consistent exercise routine was very helpful but honestly the most helpful thing was getting on Prozac. It gave me enough clarity of mind to realize how bad it was and quit.
Wow, I see a lot of parallels in our stories. It's amazing how long we hang onto the "progress" we've made...it feels crazy in retrospect that we stayed so long, but in the moment leaving felt even more crazy. I think this story is, sadly, really common.
I totally resonate with feeling like "I can't just leave the team!" when the reality is, like...it's totally fine 😂
Oh yes, definitely. Learning I'm an HSP made EVERYTHING click into place! Like, why was all of that SO much harder for me (it seemed)? OH, because every single stimulus was like a lightning bolt through my body!
Hi Rae, thank you so much for expressing your experience me so eloquently. It really felt comforting in an odd way - particularly the bit about OCD. I wrote about my own burnout/breakdown recently on my substack found it cathartic although as you say, I feel like I’m only at the beginning of a long climb.
I've been struggling with burnout symptoms since the beginning of the year, and this article hit home for me in many ways, even though our stories are very different. So, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience on this hot topic.
I also felt a lot of guilt, especially in the beginning, for not being able to work, for not fulfilling certain expectations, for letting people down, and, most profoundly, for saying no. I am incredibly aware of the privileged position that I'm in, and at the same time, I think exhaustion, depression and grief are feelings that transcend things like privilege. Privilege does not make one more of a superhuman, and no amount of privilege is a reason to be extremely hard on ourselves or others. So when I feel exhausted or stressed, I try to let the exhaustion or anxiety be there, talk to myself like I would to a good friend or write myself a letter from love (https://rewildingthefeminine.substack.com/p/a-letter-from-love). I guess this is a way to give myself the permission to feel like shit, despite all my privileges.
When I ponder your question of how so many of the privileged are also miserable and sick, one thing that comes to mind is that certain privileges like a top-tier education and a corporate career can also come with a lot of pressure and external expectations. These can drive us in directions that look very good on the outside but don't fulfil us, leading to the classic 'perfect life' while feeling empty inside. Lots of privilege, I think, is also strongly related to our capitalist system, where everything is about efficiency and growth. Recently, I've been dreaming about a much simpler life with fewer goals, fewer possessions, less working hours. At the same time, I realise that I can only dream those dreams because of my privilege. You're right. It's a very complicated topic.
"Do you ever feel guilty for being exhausted or depressed when you are in a privileged position? How do you hold both truths, that you are so lucky and still suffering so much?"
Managing through this right now. I find myself battling anxiety and downward swings, while being in an amazing position in life. I hold a senior position in my firm, have a beautiful little family, and can support said family in one of my favourite cities in the world. My circumstances today are much different than where I came.
Yet, I feel the same anxiety and fear that I had as kid. That I am not doing enough. That I am unsafe. That it could all disappear tomorrow.
Therapy helps. It helps to spill it all out on the table and pick up the pieces with a professional. But to say I have all the answers would be lying. This was an awesome post and I appreciate it very much.
Yeah, this is one of the things I struggle with most, but also, I think, one of the most interesting questions of our time for people with privilege: how can so many of the privileged be also miserable and sick? It's a question I plan to never answer but to ponder and write about for my whole life :)
I find myself pondering/writing on the same. I suppose it's all from our roots and what makes us tick. I went into therapy the other day to discuss my stress about money (we're selling out condo right now ugh) and ended up talking about how neglected I felt as a child and I tie money to safety/self worth.
I don't think there's ever a complete answer, but there are always clues we need to dig for to help guide us to why we are the way we are.
You're one of my favs on here, for sure.
Thank you, Bryce, that means so much <3
Therapy helps with realistic expectations something that no work place can offer…
Have you ever had a similar experience with permission, where you didn’t know you needed it, but once it came it felt so empowering?
-I continued working "full time" 5 days a week after my 2nd and 3rd child (with a spouse also pulling that, plus more at times). It took nearly two years after my 3rd child of the rat race of daily commuting + kids advancing schedules, multiple *signs*, and a mental breakdown moment with a near-stranger gym coach, of all people, to force me to advocate for my own mental health and wellbeing and ask for part-time. I anguished over it. And you know what? Most people hardly recognized (or said much to me about it). I kick myself for not doing it sooner.
Do you ever feel guilty for being exhausted or depressed when you are in a privileged position? How do you hold both truths, that you are so lucky and still suffering so much?
-Both. Exhausted and depressed. And embarrassed. Like we don't have the option to talk about it, as that is another form of privilege.
What are the very first steps you’ve taken to get yourself out of a dark time, burnout or otherwise?
-a consistent exercise routine. HUGE!!
Thank you for this post, Rae. For sharing your story, it is so important to talk about!
Thanks for your thoughtful note, Bethany! You never know what that moment will be when it finally becomes clear you need to do less...or who will be the catalyst. It feels like it can be so random. It's inevitable that looking back it feels like it took to long, but it's great that you took the leap to ask for what you needed to be healthy...some people never do!
“Both. Exhausted and depressed. And embarrassed. Like we don't have the option to talk about it, as that is another form of privilege.” Couldn’t agree more.
I’ve spent the last three years in “work flux” due to long COVID: ass-dragging through full-time, part-time, leave of absence, back to part-time, full-time, part-time, until my last (and final) leave of absence starting last May and still happening. Giving up my exec-level non-profit career was painful. My privilege was a decent salary, which even at 50% translated into a decent disability payment (though the margins are getting very tight around here, and I do feel guilty complaining about that as I sit in my beautiful home in the woods).
Fortunately I had a therapist who herself had struggled with and recovered from chronic fatigue syndrome, by first giving in to acceptance and then drastically rearranging her life to enable her focus to be on recovering. She taught me so much on this journey (I use the past tense because she’s now out on maternity leave - an amazing feat, given how sick she once was). I have struggled so much with “who am I if I’m not (my position/career)?” But she was right; the day would come where I would not regret jumping off the hamster wheel. My health is finally starting to improve, albeit slowly.
Thanks so much for sharing. Deciding to quit is such a big deal. Would you have any interest in speaking with me as part of my interview series on chronic illness? No pressure, but reach out if so! https://raekatz.substack.com/s/ladies-illness-library
I’d be happy to :). How do we arrange this - by email?
Yes! You can email me at raeraekatz [at] gmail
I use a different metaphor to describe my experience: I liken my time of intense caregiving to looking for canyons at the bottom of the Mariana Trench, which happens to be the deepest part of the ocean. The pressures at that depth are intense: one wrong move and you implode. I felt like I was on the verge of imploding for several years.
The permission came as something of a tag team effort: my husband agreed to look after my mother for 48 hours in the middle of an October week while I attended a mini retreat hosted by a priestess sister of mine at her ranch. There I was able to see I was on a death spiral - and I could choose to extact myself from it. I chose life.
Just two weeks later, my mother lost her ability to walk, and she went from home to hospital to skilled nursing facility in a matter of days. The evening she entered the skilled nursing facility, I felt like I was able to breathe deeply for the first time in *years* and I began my slow journey of Decompression back to the surface.
My plans were to jump back into a caregiving saddle, since I was technically employed by the state of California, but (long) Covid came knocking at my door and forced a change to those plans. Sometimes I feel like I dodged a bullet there. The good news: I'm down thirty pounds since November 2021 - as I'm no longer eating my feelings - and my blood pressure is back to normal.
Now I am learning to pace myself as I follow my dreams instead of what this twisted culture thinks I "should" do.
Your Mariana Trench metaphor is extremely powerful. "One wrong move and you implode" PHEW. Yeah.
It's hard to even imagine what you've been through as a caregiver and then getting long COVID, and that level of pressure sounds about right.
Yes and yes to both questions 1 and 2. Last year, I graduated from college and haven't been able to find a job yet. Admittedly, I haven't applied to as many as I probably could have and have allowed myself to be distracted by other responsibilities, but I've still felt burnt out trying to balance finding a job, creating a portfolio of my writing, constantly looking for writing opportunities, and my personal life. I'm so lucky that my parents allow me to continue to live at home while I do all of this, but sometimes it makes it feel like, no matter what I do, I should be doing more.
Last week though, I talked with my dad about jobs and he confirmed that it's hard to find a job, especially for what I want to do and it felt so good. It felt good to not only talk about it but also have someone else give me permission to feel everything I'd been feeling that I almost cried. Thank you so much for sharing this piece. It gave me permission to cry a little bit today before I go back to editing my resume once again.🥲
I'm so glad you were able to have that convo with your dad and that he could give you that permission! Dude, also, job or no job, the first few years out of college are HARD (or the first ten years, in my case, lol). I feel like people don't talk about this enough, or at least didn't in my day--graduation was all about celebrating, but then suddenly you're in a whole new non-school reality trying to figure shit out and feeling like everyone else already figured it out.
Yes! It really does feel like a whole new reality and they definitely still don't talk much about THAT PART of it lol. They send tons of emails about getting ready for graduation and interviewing skills and all that, but nothing else. I knew it would be weird at first but I assumed it would only be for the first few months. It wasn't until my brother told me that it takes most people around 2 years to find a job after graduation (he graduated the year before me) that I started to realize it was going to take much longer than I thought to get the hang of things. Well, that and it's been a year now and I feel like I still just barely know what's going on lol.
Have you ever had a similar experience with permission, where you didn’t know you needed it, but once it came it felt so empowering?
Oh, yes! Help came in the form of this interview with Rose Marcario, former CEO of Patagonia https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/18/business/rose-marcario-patagonia-corner-office.html.
Do you ever feel guilty for being exhausted or depressed when you are in a privileged position? How do you hold both truths, that you are so lucky and still suffering so much?
I have, yes. Maybe that's why I write. Because I can, but perhaps a little bit of I feel I should.
What are the very first steps you’ve taken to get yourself out of a dark time, burnout or otherwise?
Agreeing with Bethany Bell's comment about exercise. Even if it (re)starts with long walks instead of something more strenuous.
... and another thing I guess is a very late in life recognition that I'm neurodivergent. That was another huge part of being able to give myself permission to organize my life in a way that prioritizes my mental health. Important for me, and the people around me. And it helps with the guilt. My neurodivergence is part of what brought me the privileges AND the suffering. They're not separable.
I totally agree that starting to understand one's own brain can be absolutely transformative, particularly if it is not operating in the mainstream way. I similarly view my neurodivergence as a source of both superpowers and suffering.
Thanks for pointing me to that interview, it looks awesome and I look forward to reading.
Thanks for the post, Rae, and your reply. I always look forward to whatever you put out there.
Here's another Rose Marcario interview https://tricycle.org/article/rose-marcario/
Thanks John, that means a lot to me!
I've worked as a freelance writer since graduating from journalism school in 2011. In that sense, permission has always played a big role in my professional life. I like being in control of my own permissions, but it's also a huge responsibility. No money? Permission granted to work more. No sanity? Permission granted to log off for three months. The pendulum is always swinging.
Feeling depressed for the first time caught me off-guard. There was no cause, no instigating event. All the facts of my life tallied up to a pretty privileged existence. Being privileged, I think, is often equated with having it good in a material sense. As anyone with depression will tell you, no amount of material well-being shelters you from mental storms. From that perspective, there aren't necessarily two truths to hold. One truth is that things are good. The other is that I feel like shit sometimes.
The first step is always focused breathing followed by exercise. Something intense that hurts in a good way the next day. Works every time, without fail.
Think that covers all the questions!
Love these thoughts, thanks for sharing! Sounds like you've found a pretty good balance, though obviously it's always a work in progress. This is a perfect way to put it when it comes to depression: "One truth is that things are good. The other is that I feel like shit sometimes." Mm, so good.
Have you ever read Dear Writer, Are you in Burnout? It changed my life.
No! Putting it on the list. Thanks!
Becca Syme? She is brill
There is a beautiful video of Jackie Chan with his daughter, watching a collection of clips of his stunt mistakes.
After a bit she asks “did it hurt dad?” And he agrees, then you see the different perspective as they both cry seeing this person punish himself.
I have an unholy endurance, but I learned the hard way that machines have no soul, so stop for a moment, enjoy yourself and enjoy your day, not everyone got this wonderful gift today.
Thank you for sharing, it helps us all to understand that we might have something that we need to say, even to ourselves.
I love the phrase "unholy endurance"...a blessing and a curse for sure!
I persisted (with the aid of huge numbers of strong painkillers), in my job for a few years having been told I had arthritis all over, and had degraded discs in my spine. It meant I did more damage. Plus I was walking around in a brain fog. I finally pulled the plug a couple of years ago, but the damage is done. Which has me depressed now. I’m typing this from bed, racked by pain all over. Your health is indeed your wealth! Thanks for sharing.✍️👏
Ack, I'm sorry to hear about your journey and your pain Kevin, but I am glad you finally excised yourself. It is so incredible to me how long we (humans) are able to hang onto goals/careers/trajectories even when they are literally killing us...I certainly did it for a very long time. Here's to resting and perhaps some flickers of vitality for you.
Kevin, you might be interested in the YouTube channel Pain Free You. The guy Dan who posts daily videos suffered with chronic back pain for years until he read Dr. John Sarno’s books and adapted it to his own message. I watch them every morning, even though pain isn’t my main issue (You can really substitute whatever your main chronic health issue in for pain).
Thank you so much for your kindness and time. Greatly appreciated 💚
As always, Rae, this is incredible - so wise, generous and affirming. I LOVE the way you've broken these steps down too, feels so important and kind to make the process as accessible as possible for ourselves - especially when we're in the throes of that overwhelm - and having a framework like this to explore is so useful for that. Step one especially was resonant for me - I've been so grateful to have that person who was able to reflect the impossibility of continuing to claw my way through so much pain without anything changing, and being given what truly felt like radical permission to explore other possibilities. I now find myself often being that person with clients, and it's a power and responsibility I don't take lightly to ask the question 'really, though, are you well enough to be working right now?' and I've seen it be so transformational to just be given permission to acknowledge how unsustainable things have become, and that being the thing that makes the other steps feel that bit more accessible and tangible. All that to say... massive gratitude for this. I'm sure it will be one I'll return to and cogitate on more.
Jane, I'm so glad that this resonated so deeply and also that you are playing the role of "permission-giver" for others. It is indeed a power and responsibility! We definitely need more of that going on.
So much I want to say here. I had ME/CFS which came on - funnily enough - after an intense period of not saying no, constantly pushing myself - the usual life and being human stuff. But what struck me was the paragraph at the end where you talk about privilege. A couple of years ago, post cancer treatment I'd gone back into freelancing too hard, too soon and was broken. In a tear filled conversation with a friend/client I said I couldn't go on, needed to stop for a bit and started the guilt thing about the privilege of being able to do that. Her response has stayed with me.
She said, 'Yes, you are privileged in being able to walk away from this work, but frankly you'd be an idiot not to use that privilege to look after yourself. So take the time to heal yourself and get healthy physically, mentally and emotionally.' Then Covid hit...but in all of this I have learned that my life follows a boom and bust trajectory. I've spent years trying to flatten that curve (and not entirely succeeding, but at least I recognise it). And right now I'm coming out of another bust phase - the eczema was back, fatigue, brain scrambled, tingling achy limbs - all the old symptoms but quite a bad phase, lasting longer than I anticipated so I'm easing my way back into the world right now.
Thank you - such a great, thought provoking post.
Thank you for sharing, Harriet. I love your friend's thoughts on privilege. Personally I think it's a fascinating question why so many privileged people DON'T use our privilege to take care of ourselves, and rather use it to continue ascending while hurting ourselves.
I’ve definitely had a similar experience. I had grown and scaled a product team - more than doubling it - in about 6 months. I had a team member verbally abusing me but they wouldn’t let me fire them. I was also experiencing rampant misogyny. I remember going home and I told my husband that yes everything was terrible, but I just couldn’t leave the team and the progress I had made. And I think he said, “you know they’ll be okay, right?”
I started making my exit plan that night....only to land a job at Amazon right as layoffs started. 🫠🥴Fast forward, I wasn’t *as* burned out but 6 months in I just had no desire to do any of it.
I felt so guilty in both positions for being tired and stressed and incredibly depressed, but when I left the first role, all someone said to me was, “Well you’ve been unhappy for a while, right?” 🤦🏼♀️ I wish I’d left a year earlier.
A consistent exercise routine was very helpful but honestly the most helpful thing was getting on Prozac. It gave me enough clarity of mind to realize how bad it was and quit.
Thank you for sharing your story!
Wow, I see a lot of parallels in our stories. It's amazing how long we hang onto the "progress" we've made...it feels crazy in retrospect that we stayed so long, but in the moment leaving felt even more crazy. I think this story is, sadly, really common.
I totally resonate with feeling like "I can't just leave the team!" when the reality is, like...it's totally fine 😂
The parallels are uncanny!
And I know! I remember bursting into tears saying, "But I can't leave them!!!" And then realizing...uh, yeah, actually, I can. They are grown adults!
Two weeks ago I realized I was a highly sensitive person and my life started making a ton more sense! Who knew?
As a fellow HSP, I can't recommend this essay of Rae's enough: https://raekatz.substack.com/p/the-highly-sensitive-writer
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Oh yes, definitely. Learning I'm an HSP made EVERYTHING click into place! Like, why was all of that SO much harder for me (it seemed)? OH, because every single stimulus was like a lightning bolt through my body!
Hi Rae, thank you so much for expressing your experience me so eloquently. It really felt comforting in an odd way - particularly the bit about OCD. I wrote about my own burnout/breakdown recently on my substack found it cathartic although as you say, I feel like I’m only at the beginning of a long climb.
How on earth did you keep a secret not working Wednesdays and. Friday afternoons?
I've been struggling with burnout symptoms since the beginning of the year, and this article hit home for me in many ways, even though our stories are very different. So, thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience on this hot topic.
I also felt a lot of guilt, especially in the beginning, for not being able to work, for not fulfilling certain expectations, for letting people down, and, most profoundly, for saying no. I am incredibly aware of the privileged position that I'm in, and at the same time, I think exhaustion, depression and grief are feelings that transcend things like privilege. Privilege does not make one more of a superhuman, and no amount of privilege is a reason to be extremely hard on ourselves or others. So when I feel exhausted or stressed, I try to let the exhaustion or anxiety be there, talk to myself like I would to a good friend or write myself a letter from love (https://rewildingthefeminine.substack.com/p/a-letter-from-love). I guess this is a way to give myself the permission to feel like shit, despite all my privileges.
When I ponder your question of how so many of the privileged are also miserable and sick, one thing that comes to mind is that certain privileges like a top-tier education and a corporate career can also come with a lot of pressure and external expectations. These can drive us in directions that look very good on the outside but don't fulfil us, leading to the classic 'perfect life' while feeling empty inside. Lots of privilege, I think, is also strongly related to our capitalist system, where everything is about efficiency and growth. Recently, I've been dreaming about a much simpler life with fewer goals, fewer possessions, less working hours. At the same time, I realise that I can only dream those dreams because of my privilege. You're right. It's a very complicated topic.