Nodding along. More meat, less meat, no meat ... warm foods, cooling foods ... less screen time but more downtime but is reading really any healthier of an escape and shouldn't I be connecting ... more time in nature but needing more time for naps ... This constant trying to optimize from all of the choices in order, ultimately, just to feel OKAY!
Love your writing and the way it illuminates corners of my own mind. <3
Ugh the MEAT QUESTION. Lol. I feel like there's a strong subset of readers here that will really get this.
I'm glad it resonates but also sorry it resonates. Chronic illness definitely adds a whole complex mess of "shoulds," a lot of them around letting go and resting...which is just a total mindfuck. Well, at least we're all here together.
My meat story has another nuanced layer ... my dogs are rescues from the Korean dog meat industry and for a long time I just couldn't stomach the idea of eating meat at all because my dog was supposed to be someone's food. I already hadn't really been eating meat for animal and earth reasons. But my body doesn't do well on just meat substitutes especially now with this whole perimenopause thing (and I also have iron stuff). So yeah. All the things.
Funny story though ... I met my partner about four years ago and very early on he said, "I hope you're not vegetarian." Of course, he wouldn't have still dated me anyway, it was in the context of another conversation, but immediately I thought to myself, "I do not want to stringently never eat meat that this man is so willing to cozy cook for me." We negotiate this one sometimes because he loves the gross meats like sausage that still really kind of turn my stomach :)
Which is all a long story to say that I find myself in a place similar to what you've described about so many aspects of this idea of "how to do life in the best possible way without being constantly obsessed with how to do it!" That for years I've been trying to understand how to allow two seemingly opposing things to co-exist: the desire to strive and grow and feel better and the desire to just be in this present moment as it is.
And I appreciate your middle of the process thoughts here which seem to me to be about creating spaciousness, gentleness and openness with curiosity for the possibility that just perhaps we don't have to overthink or tweak this so much even if we don't quite know how to stop that.
Hi Rae! Another great article that resonates with me! The push and pull of doing and not doing enough. I wish people would ask each other, "How are you being today?" instead of "How are you doing?" because it changes how we answer those two questions. One is focused inward while the other is focused outward on the answer. I recently elaborated on those two questions in a podcast I was on recently.
I loved that you are focusing inward and giving us a view into your internal thoughts, which we all can relate to especially women as most of us if not all of us suffer from perfectionism and people pleasing, myself included. Both of those traits are deeply rooted in unworthiness and not feeling good enough. I have struggled with that for most of my life and they come in waves depending on my mental state in the moment.
Please continue to shine your beacon of light and truth to illuminate the dialogue that needs to be had in the world. Love your newsletter! Sending you a virtual hug for sharing your vulnerability!
"How are you being!" I love it. Especially because the stock cultural response to "how are you doing" is either "good" or "really busy." It's like we're all just constantly saying to each other: are you busy? yeah, are you busy? yeah. Ok cool, then we're both earning our keep here.
I started reply “upright” in the early days of me/cfs, because I looked fine and I was out but I refused to say good because I don’t like lying. Most people laugh, a few chided me for negativity (a useful screening tool) and some say, “heck yes, me too”.
My version of that reply, for the same reason as yours, is “Still standing”. I get a few odd looks. People are much more enthusiastic when my reply is I’m great, how are you?”
I see myself in every sentence here, Rae. This kind of “do more, do better” mentality is making it impossible for me to pace appropriately through my illness. Books and dust are piling up, cats and husband need to be interacted with, showers should really happen every few days. Every now and then, I “win.” Like when I texted one of my best friends who is visiting me in two weeks to explain that my house will not be as clean as I’d like it to be when she visits. She’s an overachieving perfectionist like me, so I knew she’d be looking around like “eww,” or at least thinking it.
This shit is so hard. Managing our own expectations seems to be the hardest part.
Hi Amy! I can relate to your text to your friend. In the summer, I realized that people unexpectedly coming over to my home was a trigger for me because it was rooted in this need to be a perfectionist about cleaning and if I didn't have enough time to do it, I would get upset. When I sat in those feelings, I realized that it was related to cleaning on Saturdays as a child and being criticized for not cleaning well enough. As a result, before I have people over to my house, I feel like I need to do a deep clean because I am preparing myself for the onslaught of criticism from the people visiting which rarely happens but in my mind it's going to happen because they see how I didn't clean the kitchen grout enough. It's a vicious cycle of doing more...sigh. All that to say, I get you and where your text to your friend is coming from because I've been there.
Holy childhood cleaning trauma confessions! That’s a powerful memory to have tapped into. I have something of the opposite (but also a childhood cleanliness trauma): my house growing up was disgustingly unkempt at all times. It was beyond dirty; it was neglected and in disrepair, too. We never wanted to bring our friends over as kids. I remember my older sister never wanting to bring boyfriends home. This all sort of sent me and my sister in the opposite direction from our parents; like you, we’re cleaning perfectionists, because now as adults, we WANT people to come over. The problem for me in the last few years has been my physical limitations. I’m having to let go of the perfectionism; I simply have no choice 🤷
I love that example of the text you sent. Our own expectations are the hardest, but sometimes we project them onto other people, or they originate from other people and incept us. Seems like just putting it out there to your friend is a really smart first step, and in doing so you force yourself to release some of your own expectations. Now you HAVE to have a messy house when she comes, or you will be letting her down! :)
Oh, I resonate with this!! Especially the friend coming over one.
I once was talking to my therapist about feeling uncomfortable with having people over unless my house was perfect, and then she asked "how do you feel when you go to other people's houses and their house is always perfect?"
I feel like utter crap about me and mine!!
So, I've tried to reframe my imperfections as spaces for people to feel more comfortable with theirs.
Like, congrats, your clutter is making people love their own homes more.
Work in progress mindset... but I'm working on owning it.
I read this as my thoughts the last few days have been - I ought to get off the couch and get more done. Yet I’m tired and unmotivated.
So yeah, what you are describing is my life. I don’t have the answers. Little practices help. Yes, like allowing my crochet to not be prefect and seeing that it’s still great. The number one things that helped me with housework was when, as a new mom with a messy house, another mom thanked me for having a mess. Thanked me! Because it made her feel like maybe it was ok that she had a mess too. That moment flipped a switch for me.
I also have a strong case of wanting to be this "mom-with-toddler-and-clean-house", a phenomenon that has been discussed a couple times on this thread. I haven't really interrogated it, but I think that some of it actually stems from a self-loving place, where I know that I feel better when my house hits a certain level of orderliness, so it is worth it to me to put my toddler's toys away each evening so that I can sit on the couch and watch Sex Education surrounded by a toy-free floor :).
But I also engage in the more external/image-driven version of this: trying to get my counters clean and the sand vacuumed up from the hallway before someone comes over so that I won't be judged. The funny thing is I'm quite sure that few of my close friends or family would actually judge me...it's primarily me that's judging me through their eyes. It's all quite fascinating (except when it's happening, then it's super stressful).
I once had a friend and former colleague going on at a meeting about what a great boss and wonderful guy I was. I sat there listening and thinking “boy, he sure isn’t talking about the me I know.”
Later on, I told another friend about the things my friend said and how wrong he was. She looked at me for a few seconds and then asked, “So who is lying, him or you?” Gulp.
I am learning I’m not a very good judge of my character. That doesn’t mean I’ve stopped being harshly self-critical, it just means I at least feel a little guilty when I do it.
Oh I so wish that it was as simple as "I'm good enough, accept it." But I find that it is a long and winding journey. I am far more evolved on this front than I used to be--far more self-accepting and less demanding of myself, and still there is so far to go. I think acknowledging that reality is all part of the process.
I can feel what you’re saying and I absolutely know it’s not that easy, but I still insist on telling people that they are good enough, unless they are axe murderers, because so many people get beaten down in life.
After spending my adult life experiencing the worst the world has to offer, I kind of collapsed under the weight of it all and eventually learned that what I experienced had a name: CPTSD. For the past 16 years I have worked to get my life back, but of all the things that helped me out of the pit, the thing thing that sent a shock wave of healing through me was when a good doctor, who I trusted, thanked me for my service. It had a profound effect on me, so I don’t take the healing power of words for granted.
This story resonates. A therapist once commented to me ‘so you really must be an amazing actress’. Surprised, i said no of course I’m not.
And she said ‘ how has the crappy person you describe to me managed to fool som many people for so long?
Friends who love you, colleagues who want to keep working with you, all fooled, or are they ones who see you as you are? Cos they see how you act, not this horrible way you think? ‘
It shocked me, altered a bit but the harshness continues. Is it such a familiar path that i feel more awkward stepping off it?
Sometimes I try to pretend I am an actual person, too, and try to be at least polite to myself. But most of the time, I do what you describe. I’m a good actor. We get these little scripts planted in our brains from the time we are children and we follow them like we are on some sort of mental autopilot.
There’s also this glitch in our cultural Matrix where it is a good thing if we beat ourselves down, and it’s a bad thing if we think we can’t be as bad as we tell ourselves, because that would mean we aren’t humble enough, which is even worse than being as bad as we beat ourselves down for. So.
I certainly got the message don’t be proud of yourself early and repeatedly in life. I don’t think the intention was that i become over familiar with my flaws and perceived failures and skate over successes, cautious of getting too big for my boots.
I love your phrasing I might-be at least polite to myself as if I am an actual person.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I go back once again to Caregiving and Covid. The former basically sandblasted my ego and sense of agency from me; the latter has really forced me to re-evaluate and restructure everything else. (I am recovering my agency, though.)
In my darkest moments, I came to tell myself, "Today I am Enough, and it is Good." Did/do I believe that all the time? No, but I said it every single time I wanted to "should" on myself, and I've come to believe it more often than not.
When my never-ending to-do list yammers for attention, I deploy my mantra, and return my focus to the Next Indicated Step. The important stuff will get done in due time, and I can release the rest as "important" shifts its definition.
It is inspiring to hear a little taste of your internal track, and how you have shaped it as a result of caretaking and long illness. That's one of my favorite things--getting a little insight into someone else's mind.
BTW: Long COVID and caretaking are such huge and important topics that I don't think you'll ever sound like a broken record!
Perfectionism is a theme that I've been seeing pop up on Substack a lot lately — part of me wonders if fall and back to school nostalgia makes it top of mind for many of us! I just wrote about it too, although a lot of my perfectionism is wrapped up in my religious/moral OCD (otherwise known as scrupulosity). It's a long, ongoing process to dismantle it. I'm not sure if I'll ever be fully rid of it, but I'm forever trying. 🤍
Maybe it is the back to school thing! I also think that perhaps it's perfectionism's time for the spotlight. People are sick of the stress of maintaining an instagrammable life, and I think part of the reaction is to start to unpack the drivers of this phenomenon where we perform perfection (especially women!). Anyways, I'm glad you are noticing it and that we are all talking about it! We can't over-do the conversation, in my opinion!
Rae! This piece was so timely for me and I think I will be referencing pieces of it in a new post soon. I see myself in the person you're describing, and your words feel like a kind pat on the back, an "I get it" kind of feeling. Thank you for sharing. To answer your questions at the end of the post:
1. I've been learning *through* my ADHD diagnosis from earlier this year of how I can manage my day to day better without mentally beating myself up over my shortcomings. It's still a work in progress. What once was an overachieving, overinvolved, has-it-all-together eldest daughter turned into an overwhelmed, fatigued, "when-did-I-become-this-way" burnt out 26 year old. In my free time after work I'm ALWAYS thinking about how I should be working out or moving my body, but my brain tells me "you should rest." I remember a very crucial conversation I had with my therapist, where I told her I felt like I was in a "constant state of overwhelm" and that I "just wish I could take a break for a few days" from it. It rang some alarm bells for both her and I that indicated I really needed to take a step back and look at what I could feasibly let go of to free myself from that feeling. That, and breaking my addiction to social media (Instagram and TikTok in particular). Making more time for reading, writing, making art, walking with friends, making time for my family, my partner, etc. etc... it's a LOT.
2. Not much progress, if I'm being honest. But a friend and I spent some time together this weekend and we talked about this topic in particular. Hence why I say it's so timely for me. I shared this interview with Ling Ma with that same friend, and your post made me think of it as well: https://thecreativeindependent.com/people/writer-ling-ma-on-committing-to-wasting-time/
3. It'd probably feel unnatural and uncomfortable at first. But over time I could totally see that being incredibly liberating. I'd love to see how the context of *being a woman* (or playing more traditional woman-led roles) would affect this topic.
Wonderful post that I will definitely be sharing and will probably come back to often. Thanks again for writing, Rae! ♥
Thank you for all the wonderful reactions and thoughts! This sentence landed particularly hard: "What once was an overachieving, overinvolved, has-it-all-together eldest daughter turned into an overwhelmed, fatigued, "when-did-I-become-this-way" burnt out 26 year old." I feel like there are so many of us with some version of that story.
I'm really looking forward to reading that Ling Ma essay, thanks for the recommendation.
1. Lately it is around my kiddos. Are we doing enough speech/PT/OT? What about intensive reading? How can I make our house more "Montessori"? How can we de-clutter? Too we have too much stuff and it is overwhelming the children? I had three stressful pregnancies did that get hard-wired into their cells and how do we adjust that? We need to eat less processed foods! I need to wake up earlier to get a workout in and be more calm during the morning routine...
2. No. But I really resonated with your idea of asking - what would it feel like if I didn't think I needed to do this? Or this concept of just accepting that this voice is there instead of trying to "be better about it."
3. Scary but in a good way.
Thanks for this, @Rae Katz. The whole thing resonated. I am also going to check out Kathryn, Michelle, and Louise.
Ugh, yes, the mommy track--I am definitely familiar. Is my son spending enough time outdoors? Am I screwing over my future daughter (due in November) by eating only Cheerios today? Am I passing on my perfectionism/"enoughness" habit by modeling it too much? Phew. Phew phew phew.
Thanks for sharing--I do find that saying these things explicitly (and especially writing them down, for some reason) can remove some of their power.
Outdoors! I forgot that one was flying around in there too...along with cereal. My husband brought Lucky Charms into the house!!!!!!! THEY ARE STILL DELICIOUS! Writing them down, naming them and telling a friend - all of this has made me feel less alone. Sending you powerful, healing and peaceful vibes as you close out your third trimester with all the Cheerios you want.
I was thinking about how being a business owner or entrepreneur makes this worse because it is a helpful skill - a core skill - of that job... then you and Emily mention being a Mum, an even harder and more policed job, and 🤯
There is always so much to do as an entrepreneur - and you are onto something - you are it so you have to keep it all running...being a mom is sort of like being an entrepreneur but you are not really your own boss anymore. I have a seven year old that can’t wait until “she is the boss of me!” And I thought, you already are in many ways. Thank you for the comment.
Rae I have that constant assessing voice, you’ve described it so well. The subject matter varies, the optimization focus stays set to “enough is never enough”. Thank you for the shout out, talking with you brought more of my thoughts to consciousness - and bonus, I paid more attention when you were engaged with them too, in a ‘hey maybe it really isn’t just me being feeble if Rae identifies with that too...’ way. I like to play pretend or what if: what if i didn’t need to do that, what if I let someone help me, what if I did stay in bed because I was tired? The world has not ended, and people seldom point and whisper.
No one benefits more from the LIL interviews than me! Every conversation I absorb some new idea or it brings my attention back to something that I hadn't thought about in awhile. It's so helpful to hear what goes on in other people's heads...it was helpful for me to hear yours, and I'm glad that hearing mine is helpful too!
What you're describing here reflects, to me, what a lifetime of masking created inside. Because moving through the world was an intellectual exercise (and rarely, if ever, intuitive), I built these mechanisms of observation, imitation and fixing. I observe the behavior, I imitate the behavior and then I fix, fix, push, push, shove, shove myself for not doing the behavior exactly as I see it (or have read it ought to be done).
The biggest place I felt the impulse to observe, imitate and fix (aka mask) was around dieting and body stuff. Off and on diets from age 16, I had this fixed message that my body is wrong and everyone else knows better for me. There is a number I'm supposed to stay inside to be loved. There is a number that can guarantee me unending health and vitality. There was so much "outside" pushing me around that my insides weren't allowed to register or communicate.
I remember a similar thought occurring to me as what you're sharing in this essay: I wonder what it would be like to NOT always be off and on a diet? "What could I create with all that extra energy?" And I took that curiosity and played with it. Slowly, over the last (gulp!) almost 10 years, I have been trying to bring curiosity and acceptance and connection to that "first pulse" instinct inside me. I've also, slowly, challenged my definition of "discipline"—rather than it being rooted in perfection and rigidity, what if discipline is about returning? Returning to that which we value and that which nourishes us? Because sometimes, I think, we are trying to "be disciplined" when our bodies are saying, "Ohh ouch. That hurts and isn't right for me."
All that to say, I'm excited to see where this journey of curiosity goes next.
Oof, I love that idea of "discipline" being about returning to what we value and what nourishes us, versus perfection. That is one I will be chewing on. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for introducing me to that idea, Amanda.
I think "returning" gives me permission to be human, to get tired, distracted, to have my energy reserves depleted. And to return again, knowing that I have an unlimited supply of "return" tickets, should I ever need them. :)
Hard relate to all of this. Just scanning my bedroom now, I see laundry unironed, vitamins not taken, thirsty plants and I could follow this trail around my home with a clipboard to make ‘must berate self’ notes on. One thing I have made peace with (I hope there are others) is my unfinished books. My library. That one chapter counted, maybe it’s the fault of the book and not me that there’s a bookmark in the middle.
Where I live, the author gets paid for each time the book is borrowed. I figure im making a contribution through my library membership even if the books aren’t read.
Rae thanks for being such a refreshing voice amongst the many should-ers out there (internal and external).
That question you posed : “what would it feel like if I didn’t think I needed to do more of this?” is quite phenomenal.
It reminds me of the last question in the Internal Family Systems therapy approach where you engage with an activated part of you (such as the overachiever) and understand it's intentions. The last question is very similar : "What are you afraid would happen if you stopped working so hard on achieving?"
I relate so much to your lens of the world and found this piece to be a sigh of relief!
I'm a physician who was rewarded based on productivity and grades. After leaving medicine in a deep dark hole of burnout and despair, I realized that these thought patterns still carry themselves alongside me and pop up in new careers.
After training in IFS and lifestyle medicine I started working with a Psychiatrist who is a suicide expert and describes a syndrome called Syndrome of disavowed yearning.
It's basically when we transfer the patterns we used to receive love from our parents into the work place and use that to gain and please the current providers aka bosses and coworkers.
I feel like this should be handed out to every employee on the first day of the job, but if they all found this piece that you wrote today, then people would be let in on the secrets too soon!
You kept mentioning that awful word, “should.” I should be..... I try very hard to get rid of that word. My therapist tells me that what I do is good enough. If my energy for the day can only be used for a couple tasks, then I choose the priority of which one to do first and if that’s all I can do then it’s “good enough.” We are our worst judges. Tomorrow is another day, and it can all wait. My self worth has always been tied up with how productive I was. I’m learning to accept that I am good enough too.
Are there areas/topics of “self-improvement” your brain latches on to the most? What do some of your inner thoughts sound like?
Spanish side: Look at all those men drinking a beer, casalla shot, and wine at 9:00 AM with their bocadillo de sepia. Quiero tomar una tambien. Wait, no, no, I don't because then I can't work out after alcohol—
Canadian (West Coast) side: Omega 3 fish oil, a scoop of green stuff, oats, banana—shit, not ethically sourced. Blueberries. Oh no, these aren't organic. I'm a monster. Damn it, why can't I afford the organic ones. I’m a loser. I should have woken up at 5 AM instead of 8 AM. That's what winners do. Wait, I can't wake up at 5 AM. Huberman says I should get morning sunlight first thing. That's what winners do.
Argentinian side: Tranquilo. Toma tu Mate.
Belgian side: You’re the poorest person in your family. You're a disgrace. Look how far you’ve fallen.
Canadian side: Not just your family, but look at all your friends. You should have become a six-figure earning tradesperson instead of a failing writer.
Belgian side: Trades! That's not for you. You're an academic. Stop this Substack stuff and get your Master's degree.
Any side: I just spent the 20 minutes writing a comment about exactly what's going on in my head when I should have been focusing on that article for next week. At least I'm getting sunlight. Wait, should I edit this?
I live with chronic illness (a neurological disorder that brought me to my knees 8 years ago) and now work daily with a brilliant community of steadfast, realistic, and soulful humans, all living with chronic conditions. One thing I’ve learned in these years from my own struggles and listening to others is when we are constantly “should-ing on ourselves” we are subtly (but powerfully) telling our brains we are in danger. That something needs to change. That the current situation isn’t good enough for survival. This message ramps up our nervous system and keeps it humming at an inflammatory and sympathetic pace, even though we may no longer feel we are running from a saber toothed tiger.:) So yeh, I get your experience on a cellular level and I just want reach out to your radiant, hard-working body and give her a hug, and say “You’re fine just as you are!” (And then tell the mind that wants to turn that statement into a new mantra and 12-step program and workshop to go take a nap.) ❤️
Nodding along. More meat, less meat, no meat ... warm foods, cooling foods ... less screen time but more downtime but is reading really any healthier of an escape and shouldn't I be connecting ... more time in nature but needing more time for naps ... This constant trying to optimize from all of the choices in order, ultimately, just to feel OKAY!
Love your writing and the way it illuminates corners of my own mind. <3
Ugh the MEAT QUESTION. Lol. I feel like there's a strong subset of readers here that will really get this.
I'm glad it resonates but also sorry it resonates. Chronic illness definitely adds a whole complex mess of "shoulds," a lot of them around letting go and resting...which is just a total mindfuck. Well, at least we're all here together.
My meat story has another nuanced layer ... my dogs are rescues from the Korean dog meat industry and for a long time I just couldn't stomach the idea of eating meat at all because my dog was supposed to be someone's food. I already hadn't really been eating meat for animal and earth reasons. But my body doesn't do well on just meat substitutes especially now with this whole perimenopause thing (and I also have iron stuff). So yeah. All the things.
Funny story though ... I met my partner about four years ago and very early on he said, "I hope you're not vegetarian." Of course, he wouldn't have still dated me anyway, it was in the context of another conversation, but immediately I thought to myself, "I do not want to stringently never eat meat that this man is so willing to cozy cook for me." We negotiate this one sometimes because he loves the gross meats like sausage that still really kind of turn my stomach :)
Which is all a long story to say that I find myself in a place similar to what you've described about so many aspects of this idea of "how to do life in the best possible way without being constantly obsessed with how to do it!" That for years I've been trying to understand how to allow two seemingly opposing things to co-exist: the desire to strive and grow and feel better and the desire to just be in this present moment as it is.
And I appreciate your middle of the process thoughts here which seem to me to be about creating spaciousness, gentleness and openness with curiosity for the possibility that just perhaps we don't have to overthink or tweak this so much even if we don't quite know how to stop that.
Hi Rae! Another great article that resonates with me! The push and pull of doing and not doing enough. I wish people would ask each other, "How are you being today?" instead of "How are you doing?" because it changes how we answer those two questions. One is focused inward while the other is focused outward on the answer. I recently elaborated on those two questions in a podcast I was on recently.
I loved that you are focusing inward and giving us a view into your internal thoughts, which we all can relate to especially women as most of us if not all of us suffer from perfectionism and people pleasing, myself included. Both of those traits are deeply rooted in unworthiness and not feeling good enough. I have struggled with that for most of my life and they come in waves depending on my mental state in the moment.
Please continue to shine your beacon of light and truth to illuminate the dialogue that needs to be had in the world. Love your newsletter! Sending you a virtual hug for sharing your vulnerability!
"How are you being!" I love it. Especially because the stock cultural response to "how are you doing" is either "good" or "really busy." It's like we're all just constantly saying to each other: are you busy? yeah, are you busy? yeah. Ok cool, then we're both earning our keep here.
I started reply “upright” in the early days of me/cfs, because I looked fine and I was out but I refused to say good because I don’t like lying. Most people laugh, a few chided me for negativity (a useful screening tool) and some say, “heck yes, me too”.
My version of that reply, for the same reason as yours, is “Still standing”. I get a few odd looks. People are much more enthusiastic when my reply is I’m great, how are you?”
😂 yes, definitely! Still... i love Norah McInerney’s “Terrible, thanks for asking” though I haven’t had the courage to use it.
I do too. If you do with a smile on your face and follow it up with “and how are you?” does that negate the truth of it?
A smile and a return ‘how are you?’ softens it, for sure. We do what we can to relax our cultural toxic positivity 🤷🏻♀️🫶
I see myself in every sentence here, Rae. This kind of “do more, do better” mentality is making it impossible for me to pace appropriately through my illness. Books and dust are piling up, cats and husband need to be interacted with, showers should really happen every few days. Every now and then, I “win.” Like when I texted one of my best friends who is visiting me in two weeks to explain that my house will not be as clean as I’d like it to be when she visits. She’s an overachieving perfectionist like me, so I knew she’d be looking around like “eww,” or at least thinking it.
This shit is so hard. Managing our own expectations seems to be the hardest part.
Hi Amy! I can relate to your text to your friend. In the summer, I realized that people unexpectedly coming over to my home was a trigger for me because it was rooted in this need to be a perfectionist about cleaning and if I didn't have enough time to do it, I would get upset. When I sat in those feelings, I realized that it was related to cleaning on Saturdays as a child and being criticized for not cleaning well enough. As a result, before I have people over to my house, I feel like I need to do a deep clean because I am preparing myself for the onslaught of criticism from the people visiting which rarely happens but in my mind it's going to happen because they see how I didn't clean the kitchen grout enough. It's a vicious cycle of doing more...sigh. All that to say, I get you and where your text to your friend is coming from because I've been there.
Holy childhood cleaning trauma confessions! That’s a powerful memory to have tapped into. I have something of the opposite (but also a childhood cleanliness trauma): my house growing up was disgustingly unkempt at all times. It was beyond dirty; it was neglected and in disrepair, too. We never wanted to bring our friends over as kids. I remember my older sister never wanting to bring boyfriends home. This all sort of sent me and my sister in the opposite direction from our parents; like you, we’re cleaning perfectionists, because now as adults, we WANT people to come over. The problem for me in the last few years has been my physical limitations. I’m having to let go of the perfectionism; I simply have no choice 🤷
I love that example of the text you sent. Our own expectations are the hardest, but sometimes we project them onto other people, or they originate from other people and incept us. Seems like just putting it out there to your friend is a really smart first step, and in doing so you force yourself to release some of your own expectations. Now you HAVE to have a messy house when she comes, or you will be letting her down! :)
Oh, I resonate with this!! Especially the friend coming over one.
I once was talking to my therapist about feeling uncomfortable with having people over unless my house was perfect, and then she asked "how do you feel when you go to other people's houses and their house is always perfect?"
I feel like utter crap about me and mine!!
So, I've tried to reframe my imperfections as spaces for people to feel more comfortable with theirs.
Like, congrats, your clutter is making people love their own homes more.
Work in progress mindset... but I'm working on owning it.
I read this as my thoughts the last few days have been - I ought to get off the couch and get more done. Yet I’m tired and unmotivated.
So yeah, what you are describing is my life. I don’t have the answers. Little practices help. Yes, like allowing my crochet to not be prefect and seeing that it’s still great. The number one things that helped me with housework was when, as a new mom with a messy house, another mom thanked me for having a mess. Thanked me! Because it made her feel like maybe it was ok that she had a mess too. That moment flipped a switch for me.
I also have a strong case of wanting to be this "mom-with-toddler-and-clean-house", a phenomenon that has been discussed a couple times on this thread. I haven't really interrogated it, but I think that some of it actually stems from a self-loving place, where I know that I feel better when my house hits a certain level of orderliness, so it is worth it to me to put my toddler's toys away each evening so that I can sit on the couch and watch Sex Education surrounded by a toy-free floor :).
But I also engage in the more external/image-driven version of this: trying to get my counters clean and the sand vacuumed up from the hallway before someone comes over so that I won't be judged. The funny thing is I'm quite sure that few of my close friends or family would actually judge me...it's primarily me that's judging me through their eyes. It's all quite fascinating (except when it's happening, then it's super stressful).
You are already good enough. Accept it.
I once had a friend and former colleague going on at a meeting about what a great boss and wonderful guy I was. I sat there listening and thinking “boy, he sure isn’t talking about the me I know.”
Later on, I told another friend about the things my friend said and how wrong he was. She looked at me for a few seconds and then asked, “So who is lying, him or you?” Gulp.
I am learning I’m not a very good judge of my character. That doesn’t mean I’ve stopped being harshly self-critical, it just means I at least feel a little guilty when I do it.
Oh I so wish that it was as simple as "I'm good enough, accept it." But I find that it is a long and winding journey. I am far more evolved on this front than I used to be--far more self-accepting and less demanding of myself, and still there is so far to go. I think acknowledging that reality is all part of the process.
I can feel what you’re saying and I absolutely know it’s not that easy, but I still insist on telling people that they are good enough, unless they are axe murderers, because so many people get beaten down in life.
After spending my adult life experiencing the worst the world has to offer, I kind of collapsed under the weight of it all and eventually learned that what I experienced had a name: CPTSD. For the past 16 years I have worked to get my life back, but of all the things that helped me out of the pit, the thing thing that sent a shock wave of healing through me was when a good doctor, who I trusted, thanked me for my service. It had a profound effect on me, so I don’t take the healing power of words for granted.
So I’ll say it again: you are good enough.
This story resonates. A therapist once commented to me ‘so you really must be an amazing actress’. Surprised, i said no of course I’m not.
And she said ‘ how has the crappy person you describe to me managed to fool som many people for so long?
Friends who love you, colleagues who want to keep working with you, all fooled, or are they ones who see you as you are? Cos they see how you act, not this horrible way you think? ‘
It shocked me, altered a bit but the harshness continues. Is it such a familiar path that i feel more awkward stepping off it?
Sometimes I try to pretend I am an actual person, too, and try to be at least polite to myself. But most of the time, I do what you describe. I’m a good actor. We get these little scripts planted in our brains from the time we are children and we follow them like we are on some sort of mental autopilot.
There’s also this glitch in our cultural Matrix where it is a good thing if we beat ourselves down, and it’s a bad thing if we think we can’t be as bad as we tell ourselves, because that would mean we aren’t humble enough, which is even worse than being as bad as we beat ourselves down for. So.
I certainly got the message don’t be proud of yourself early and repeatedly in life. I don’t think the intention was that i become over familiar with my flaws and perceived failures and skate over successes, cautious of getting too big for my boots.
I love your phrasing I might-be at least polite to myself as if I am an actual person.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I go back once again to Caregiving and Covid. The former basically sandblasted my ego and sense of agency from me; the latter has really forced me to re-evaluate and restructure everything else. (I am recovering my agency, though.)
In my darkest moments, I came to tell myself, "Today I am Enough, and it is Good." Did/do I believe that all the time? No, but I said it every single time I wanted to "should" on myself, and I've come to believe it more often than not.
When my never-ending to-do list yammers for attention, I deploy my mantra, and return my focus to the Next Indicated Step. The important stuff will get done in due time, and I can release the rest as "important" shifts its definition.
It is inspiring to hear a little taste of your internal track, and how you have shaped it as a result of caretaking and long illness. That's one of my favorite things--getting a little insight into someone else's mind.
BTW: Long COVID and caretaking are such huge and important topics that I don't think you'll ever sound like a broken record!
LOL - thanks.
Perfectionism is a theme that I've been seeing pop up on Substack a lot lately — part of me wonders if fall and back to school nostalgia makes it top of mind for many of us! I just wrote about it too, although a lot of my perfectionism is wrapped up in my religious/moral OCD (otherwise known as scrupulosity). It's a long, ongoing process to dismantle it. I'm not sure if I'll ever be fully rid of it, but I'm forever trying. 🤍
Maybe it is the back to school thing! I also think that perhaps it's perfectionism's time for the spotlight. People are sick of the stress of maintaining an instagrammable life, and I think part of the reaction is to start to unpack the drivers of this phenomenon where we perform perfection (especially women!). Anyways, I'm glad you are noticing it and that we are all talking about it! We can't over-do the conversation, in my opinion!
Rae! This piece was so timely for me and I think I will be referencing pieces of it in a new post soon. I see myself in the person you're describing, and your words feel like a kind pat on the back, an "I get it" kind of feeling. Thank you for sharing. To answer your questions at the end of the post:
1. I've been learning *through* my ADHD diagnosis from earlier this year of how I can manage my day to day better without mentally beating myself up over my shortcomings. It's still a work in progress. What once was an overachieving, overinvolved, has-it-all-together eldest daughter turned into an overwhelmed, fatigued, "when-did-I-become-this-way" burnt out 26 year old. In my free time after work I'm ALWAYS thinking about how I should be working out or moving my body, but my brain tells me "you should rest." I remember a very crucial conversation I had with my therapist, where I told her I felt like I was in a "constant state of overwhelm" and that I "just wish I could take a break for a few days" from it. It rang some alarm bells for both her and I that indicated I really needed to take a step back and look at what I could feasibly let go of to free myself from that feeling. That, and breaking my addiction to social media (Instagram and TikTok in particular). Making more time for reading, writing, making art, walking with friends, making time for my family, my partner, etc. etc... it's a LOT.
2. Not much progress, if I'm being honest. But a friend and I spent some time together this weekend and we talked about this topic in particular. Hence why I say it's so timely for me. I shared this interview with Ling Ma with that same friend, and your post made me think of it as well: https://thecreativeindependent.com/people/writer-ling-ma-on-committing-to-wasting-time/
3. It'd probably feel unnatural and uncomfortable at first. But over time I could totally see that being incredibly liberating. I'd love to see how the context of *being a woman* (or playing more traditional woman-led roles) would affect this topic.
Wonderful post that I will definitely be sharing and will probably come back to often. Thanks again for writing, Rae! ♥
Thank you for all the wonderful reactions and thoughts! This sentence landed particularly hard: "What once was an overachieving, overinvolved, has-it-all-together eldest daughter turned into an overwhelmed, fatigued, "when-did-I-become-this-way" burnt out 26 year old." I feel like there are so many of us with some version of that story.
I'm really looking forward to reading that Ling Ma essay, thanks for the recommendation.
1. Lately it is around my kiddos. Are we doing enough speech/PT/OT? What about intensive reading? How can I make our house more "Montessori"? How can we de-clutter? Too we have too much stuff and it is overwhelming the children? I had three stressful pregnancies did that get hard-wired into their cells and how do we adjust that? We need to eat less processed foods! I need to wake up earlier to get a workout in and be more calm during the morning routine...
2. No. But I really resonated with your idea of asking - what would it feel like if I didn't think I needed to do this? Or this concept of just accepting that this voice is there instead of trying to "be better about it."
3. Scary but in a good way.
Thanks for this, @Rae Katz. The whole thing resonated. I am also going to check out Kathryn, Michelle, and Louise.
Ugh, yes, the mommy track--I am definitely familiar. Is my son spending enough time outdoors? Am I screwing over my future daughter (due in November) by eating only Cheerios today? Am I passing on my perfectionism/"enoughness" habit by modeling it too much? Phew. Phew phew phew.
Thanks for sharing--I do find that saying these things explicitly (and especially writing them down, for some reason) can remove some of their power.
Outdoors! I forgot that one was flying around in there too...along with cereal. My husband brought Lucky Charms into the house!!!!!!! THEY ARE STILL DELICIOUS! Writing them down, naming them and telling a friend - all of this has made me feel less alone. Sending you powerful, healing and peaceful vibes as you close out your third trimester with all the Cheerios you want.
I was thinking about how being a business owner or entrepreneur makes this worse because it is a helpful skill - a core skill - of that job... then you and Emily mention being a Mum, an even harder and more policed job, and 🤯
There is always so much to do as an entrepreneur - and you are onto something - you are it so you have to keep it all running...being a mom is sort of like being an entrepreneur but you are not really your own boss anymore. I have a seven year old that can’t wait until “she is the boss of me!” And I thought, you already are in many ways. Thank you for the comment.
Rae I have that constant assessing voice, you’ve described it so well. The subject matter varies, the optimization focus stays set to “enough is never enough”. Thank you for the shout out, talking with you brought more of my thoughts to consciousness - and bonus, I paid more attention when you were engaged with them too, in a ‘hey maybe it really isn’t just me being feeble if Rae identifies with that too...’ way. I like to play pretend or what if: what if i didn’t need to do that, what if I let someone help me, what if I did stay in bed because I was tired? The world has not ended, and people seldom point and whisper.
No one benefits more from the LIL interviews than me! Every conversation I absorb some new idea or it brings my attention back to something that I hadn't thought about in awhile. It's so helpful to hear what goes on in other people's heads...it was helpful for me to hear yours, and I'm glad that hearing mine is helpful too!
What you're describing here reflects, to me, what a lifetime of masking created inside. Because moving through the world was an intellectual exercise (and rarely, if ever, intuitive), I built these mechanisms of observation, imitation and fixing. I observe the behavior, I imitate the behavior and then I fix, fix, push, push, shove, shove myself for not doing the behavior exactly as I see it (or have read it ought to be done).
The biggest place I felt the impulse to observe, imitate and fix (aka mask) was around dieting and body stuff. Off and on diets from age 16, I had this fixed message that my body is wrong and everyone else knows better for me. There is a number I'm supposed to stay inside to be loved. There is a number that can guarantee me unending health and vitality. There was so much "outside" pushing me around that my insides weren't allowed to register or communicate.
I remember a similar thought occurring to me as what you're sharing in this essay: I wonder what it would be like to NOT always be off and on a diet? "What could I create with all that extra energy?" And I took that curiosity and played with it. Slowly, over the last (gulp!) almost 10 years, I have been trying to bring curiosity and acceptance and connection to that "first pulse" instinct inside me. I've also, slowly, challenged my definition of "discipline"—rather than it being rooted in perfection and rigidity, what if discipline is about returning? Returning to that which we value and that which nourishes us? Because sometimes, I think, we are trying to "be disciplined" when our bodies are saying, "Ohh ouch. That hurts and isn't right for me."
All that to say, I'm excited to see where this journey of curiosity goes next.
Oof, I love that idea of "discipline" being about returning to what we value and what nourishes us, versus perfection. That is one I will be chewing on. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for introducing me to that idea, Amanda.
I think "returning" gives me permission to be human, to get tired, distracted, to have my energy reserves depleted. And to return again, knowing that I have an unlimited supply of "return" tickets, should I ever need them. :)
Hard relate to all of this. Just scanning my bedroom now, I see laundry unironed, vitamins not taken, thirsty plants and I could follow this trail around my home with a clipboard to make ‘must berate self’ notes on. One thing I have made peace with (I hope there are others) is my unfinished books. My library. That one chapter counted, maybe it’s the fault of the book and not me that there’s a bookmark in the middle.
Where I live, the author gets paid for each time the book is borrowed. I figure im making a contribution through my library membership even if the books aren’t read.
Rae thanks for being such a refreshing voice amongst the many should-ers out there (internal and external).
That question you posed : “what would it feel like if I didn’t think I needed to do more of this?” is quite phenomenal.
It reminds me of the last question in the Internal Family Systems therapy approach where you engage with an activated part of you (such as the overachiever) and understand it's intentions. The last question is very similar : "What are you afraid would happen if you stopped working so hard on achieving?"
I relate so much to your lens of the world and found this piece to be a sigh of relief!
I'm a physician who was rewarded based on productivity and grades. After leaving medicine in a deep dark hole of burnout and despair, I realized that these thought patterns still carry themselves alongside me and pop up in new careers.
After training in IFS and lifestyle medicine I started working with a Psychiatrist who is a suicide expert and describes a syndrome called Syndrome of disavowed yearning.
It's basically when we transfer the patterns we used to receive love from our parents into the work place and use that to gain and please the current providers aka bosses and coworkers.
I feel like this should be handed out to every employee on the first day of the job, but if they all found this piece that you wrote today, then people would be let in on the secrets too soon!
Tldr: great writing! Please continue doing it✨
You kept mentioning that awful word, “should.” I should be..... I try very hard to get rid of that word. My therapist tells me that what I do is good enough. If my energy for the day can only be used for a couple tasks, then I choose the priority of which one to do first and if that’s all I can do then it’s “good enough.” We are our worst judges. Tomorrow is another day, and it can all wait. My self worth has always been tied up with how productive I was. I’m learning to accept that I am good enough too.
Are there areas/topics of “self-improvement” your brain latches on to the most? What do some of your inner thoughts sound like?
Spanish side: Look at all those men drinking a beer, casalla shot, and wine at 9:00 AM with their bocadillo de sepia. Quiero tomar una tambien. Wait, no, no, I don't because then I can't work out after alcohol—
Canadian (West Coast) side: Omega 3 fish oil, a scoop of green stuff, oats, banana—shit, not ethically sourced. Blueberries. Oh no, these aren't organic. I'm a monster. Damn it, why can't I afford the organic ones. I’m a loser. I should have woken up at 5 AM instead of 8 AM. That's what winners do. Wait, I can't wake up at 5 AM. Huberman says I should get morning sunlight first thing. That's what winners do.
Argentinian side: Tranquilo. Toma tu Mate.
Belgian side: You’re the poorest person in your family. You're a disgrace. Look how far you’ve fallen.
Canadian side: Not just your family, but look at all your friends. You should have become a six-figure earning tradesperson instead of a failing writer.
Belgian side: Trades! That's not for you. You're an academic. Stop this Substack stuff and get your Master's degree.
Any side: I just spent the 20 minutes writing a comment about exactly what's going on in my head when I should have been focusing on that article for next week. At least I'm getting sunlight. Wait, should I edit this?
I live with chronic illness (a neurological disorder that brought me to my knees 8 years ago) and now work daily with a brilliant community of steadfast, realistic, and soulful humans, all living with chronic conditions. One thing I’ve learned in these years from my own struggles and listening to others is when we are constantly “should-ing on ourselves” we are subtly (but powerfully) telling our brains we are in danger. That something needs to change. That the current situation isn’t good enough for survival. This message ramps up our nervous system and keeps it humming at an inflammatory and sympathetic pace, even though we may no longer feel we are running from a saber toothed tiger.:) So yeh, I get your experience on a cellular level and I just want reach out to your radiant, hard-working body and give her a hug, and say “You’re fine just as you are!” (And then tell the mind that wants to turn that statement into a new mantra and 12-step program and workshop to go take a nap.) ❤️