This puts to mind the Tao Te Ching, which often uses water as a metaphor for quietness, gentleness and strength. Whenever I open it, I feel calm in my bones. For me strength comes not from bending people to your will, but from drawing out that part of them that will serve the world. That man cutting you off and shutting you down was an act of quiet violence.
"Quiet violence". I just shivered. It fits with so many experiences in my life—that phrase. My therapist often gives me new language, which has helped me heal, grow, and find boundaries in life. You have just given me another set of words that I suppose I knew, I may have even said before, but I never thought of them in this way. Thank you <3
I’m so glad. But also I’m sorry bc once you see (& name) behavior this way, you can’t unsee it. But that’s good. Because the subtle meanness and undermining is sometimes the most powerful. We have to call it out. 🧡
Well put! And yes, we do. It's hard, because I can see that even people who care about me have been this way (recently even). But now I can say that it felt this way. I have stronger words than "you hurt my feelings", which so many people don't see as more than emotional.
The new president of my current company is that man. He is curious, humble, and leads with empathy. He is a powerful white man who eschews all the powerful white man stereotypes.
We have come to associate "leadership" with aggression and dominance when in fact the best leaders are gentle. Being gentle is not synonymous with being a pushover. It is not synonymous with a lack of ability to make decisions.
I've had so many lunches like the one you described. (And yes, I also do my research.) When people in power feel the need to flex their power muscles, I can sense their underlying insecurity. They feel the need to prove themselves through bluster and bravado. Their decisions will be self-serving. They don't pursue power to lift others up, but rather to tear them down.
Yes that’s what came across to me- she triggered his insecurity that she didn’t already know his connections, and so he had to bring her down a peg or two to make himself more comfortable and feel more power again. He was threatened by her.
A beautiful and thought-provoking read which reminded me of something I learned in yoga teacher training about breath. In Kundalini yoga, they say If you want to be the most powerful person in the room, breathe in for ten seconds, hold the breath for ten seconds, then exhale for ten seconds, and repeat. The idea that long steady breathing can radiate a sense of power brought me a lot of peace.
there's power in being gentle in a world where harshness radiates our system
it makes me think about the balance of masculine & feminine energy – that all of the most thoughtful leaders I've worked with seem to harness a balance of the two
I've met that man, I think. Or maybe there is a factory of him. Just rows of "that man". He does put a sour taste to the word powerful. But the redwood tree is a beautiful way to reclaim the word. Instead of choosing another person, one who will surely prove fallible and disappointing in some way, you've chosen a perfect example of something that can be gentle and powerful. <3
I consider myself to have a fair amount of power/influence. I also consider myself to be gentle, which to me is a luxury of power, properly understood.. But the combination does call for a great deal of intentionality and the realization that power was only partly earned, the rest coming from luck and circumstance.
The man at your lunch didn't "get it." He actually lost power by taking you down. He made you feel bad about yourself, but he certainly didn't rise in your esteem. He threw away a relationship that was not valuable to him then, but life is long and tables turn.
I know a few people who wield their power and maintain their gentleness. Those people have been my role models. I'd include my mother in that group.
When I think of power, I don’t think of somebody that has monetary power. I think about someone who knows themselves and is unapologetic about their decisions and convictions. I’ve met a few people who have monetary power, that have bravado, but if you took away their money, would they still seem powerful?
There was a man I served with, he a Navy Corpsman. His job was too save and to heal, and he was very good at it. He also had to live along side Marine infantry, going where they went, enduring what they endured, and seeing the absolute horror of war in fine detail. He was a large, very muscular man with tattoos up and down both arms. While out on patrol in Iraq, the local children would mob him. He said to me once "I don't understand, I think I look tough and scary". He would have, and he was powerful enough physically, and in that environment he carried the strength of the US military where he walked, but he had the largest and most genuine smile and he exuded gentleness. He was of fairly high rank, and he was powerful in many senses, but the children loved him because he treated them like his own children, and the Marines loved him because he would die, and maybe kill, to defend and save them. He was powerful, and he was gentle, and he will always shine because of it.
You must know my weakness is sequoia trees. I recently wrote a post about my hobby of starting sequoia seedlings from seeds that are shaped like a rolled oat, but smaller. Within 2 months, they are 2” tall; within 2,000 years, they can be 275’ tall and 2,100 tons. Strong, magnificent, graceful. They are the very definition of gentleness and strength.
Don't you wish you could have zinged back with something like, "do any of us really know who we are?" or "do you know who I AM?" Thanks for sharing, Rachel! I hope you and baby are doing well. Like many of the comments below, I was drawn to the redwood tree analogy. Two people came to mind. My fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Broomall, and my favorite boss Stu. Mrs. Broomall was a commanding presence - tall and graceful. She wore big glasses, bright red lipstick, and 50s style mid-calf skimming dresses and ballet-style flats. She was commanding yet encouraging, creative, fun, and knew the right amount to push to get the best from her students. My boss Stu was a former Marine (he still served in the Reserves when he was my boss). Stu was an excellent listener, kind, funny, and family-oriented. He earned your respect because he respected you and he showed you that at every turn. He worked alongside us, championed our causes, and we knew he always had our back. You always felt safe to speak your mind, not afraid to fail, and just like my fourth grade teacher, he knew the right amount to push so we could get the best from ourselves.
Just my audible “ugh gross” at this self-important lunch person. I like the phrase “quiet power" to describe the kind of energy that is subtle and gentle but also confidently takes zero shit.
Yes when I was in my 20s I worked on a project with the National Theatre and the woman that led it was such a maverick. She was gentle and powerful and she’s the only one that comes to mind. In a room full of people we hung on her every word. Word got back to me that she liked my work immensely and it landed somewhere in me - it helped me stand up for myself with a boss who was less than kind and see my worth outside of trying to keep the boss happy. ✨
This puts to mind the Tao Te Ching, which often uses water as a metaphor for quietness, gentleness and strength. Whenever I open it, I feel calm in my bones. For me strength comes not from bending people to your will, but from drawing out that part of them that will serve the world. That man cutting you off and shutting you down was an act of quiet violence.
"Quiet violence". I just shivered. It fits with so many experiences in my life—that phrase. My therapist often gives me new language, which has helped me heal, grow, and find boundaries in life. You have just given me another set of words that I suppose I knew, I may have even said before, but I never thought of them in this way. Thank you <3
I’m so glad. But also I’m sorry bc once you see (& name) behavior this way, you can’t unsee it. But that’s good. Because the subtle meanness and undermining is sometimes the most powerful. We have to call it out. 🧡
Well put! And yes, we do. It's hard, because I can see that even people who care about me have been this way (recently even). But now I can say that it felt this way. I have stronger words than "you hurt my feelings", which so many people don't see as more than emotional.
The new president of my current company is that man. He is curious, humble, and leads with empathy. He is a powerful white man who eschews all the powerful white man stereotypes.
We have come to associate "leadership" with aggression and dominance when in fact the best leaders are gentle. Being gentle is not synonymous with being a pushover. It is not synonymous with a lack of ability to make decisions.
I've had so many lunches like the one you described. (And yes, I also do my research.) When people in power feel the need to flex their power muscles, I can sense their underlying insecurity. They feel the need to prove themselves through bluster and bravado. Their decisions will be self-serving. They don't pursue power to lift others up, but rather to tear them down.
Yes that’s what came across to me- she triggered his insecurity that she didn’t already know his connections, and so he had to bring her down a peg or two to make himself more comfortable and feel more power again. He was threatened by her.
This is so true!
A beautiful and thought-provoking read which reminded me of something I learned in yoga teacher training about breath. In Kundalini yoga, they say If you want to be the most powerful person in the room, breathe in for ten seconds, hold the breath for ten seconds, then exhale for ten seconds, and repeat. The idea that long steady breathing can radiate a sense of power brought me a lot of peace.
This post reminds me of Brene Brown’s quote “strong backs, soft fronts, wild hearts” ❣️
there's power in being gentle in a world where harshness radiates our system
it makes me think about the balance of masculine & feminine energy – that all of the most thoughtful leaders I've worked with seem to harness a balance of the two
I've met that man, I think. Or maybe there is a factory of him. Just rows of "that man". He does put a sour taste to the word powerful. But the redwood tree is a beautiful way to reclaim the word. Instead of choosing another person, one who will surely prove fallible and disappointing in some way, you've chosen a perfect example of something that can be gentle and powerful. <3
God did this man drive a Tesla and explain how to open the doors too? Ugh 😑
Love the other comments about grace and power. To me I see power in choosing to live against the grain and walk away from things that don’t serve you.
I consider myself to have a fair amount of power/influence. I also consider myself to be gentle, which to me is a luxury of power, properly understood.. But the combination does call for a great deal of intentionality and the realization that power was only partly earned, the rest coming from luck and circumstance.
The man at your lunch didn't "get it." He actually lost power by taking you down. He made you feel bad about yourself, but he certainly didn't rise in your esteem. He threw away a relationship that was not valuable to him then, but life is long and tables turn.
I know a few people who wield their power and maintain their gentleness. Those people have been my role models. I'd include my mother in that group.
When I think of power, I don’t think of somebody that has monetary power. I think about someone who knows themselves and is unapologetic about their decisions and convictions. I’ve met a few people who have monetary power, that have bravado, but if you took away their money, would they still seem powerful?
There was a man I served with, he a Navy Corpsman. His job was too save and to heal, and he was very good at it. He also had to live along side Marine infantry, going where they went, enduring what they endured, and seeing the absolute horror of war in fine detail. He was a large, very muscular man with tattoos up and down both arms. While out on patrol in Iraq, the local children would mob him. He said to me once "I don't understand, I think I look tough and scary". He would have, and he was powerful enough physically, and in that environment he carried the strength of the US military where he walked, but he had the largest and most genuine smile and he exuded gentleness. He was of fairly high rank, and he was powerful in many senses, but the children loved him because he treated them like his own children, and the Marines loved him because he would die, and maybe kill, to defend and save them. He was powerful, and he was gentle, and he will always shine because of it.
You must know my weakness is sequoia trees. I recently wrote a post about my hobby of starting sequoia seedlings from seeds that are shaped like a rolled oat, but smaller. Within 2 months, they are 2” tall; within 2,000 years, they can be 275’ tall and 2,100 tons. Strong, magnificent, graceful. They are the very definition of gentleness and strength.
Don't you wish you could have zinged back with something like, "do any of us really know who we are?" or "do you know who I AM?" Thanks for sharing, Rachel! I hope you and baby are doing well. Like many of the comments below, I was drawn to the redwood tree analogy. Two people came to mind. My fourth grade teacher, Mrs. Broomall, and my favorite boss Stu. Mrs. Broomall was a commanding presence - tall and graceful. She wore big glasses, bright red lipstick, and 50s style mid-calf skimming dresses and ballet-style flats. She was commanding yet encouraging, creative, fun, and knew the right amount to push to get the best from her students. My boss Stu was a former Marine (he still served in the Reserves when he was my boss). Stu was an excellent listener, kind, funny, and family-oriented. He earned your respect because he respected you and he showed you that at every turn. He worked alongside us, championed our causes, and we knew he always had our back. You always felt safe to speak your mind, not afraid to fail, and just like my fourth grade teacher, he knew the right amount to push so we could get the best from ourselves.
Just my audible “ugh gross” at this self-important lunch person. I like the phrase “quiet power" to describe the kind of energy that is subtle and gentle but also confidently takes zero shit.
He may have held some power, but he was not powerful. He was mean and insecure and arrogant out of that insecurity.
Yes that’s what I thought, if he was secure he wouldn’t have needed to put her down, that reveals his character
Yes when I was in my 20s I worked on a project with the National Theatre and the woman that led it was such a maverick. She was gentle and powerful and she’s the only one that comes to mind. In a room full of people we hung on her every word. Word got back to me that she liked my work immensely and it landed somewhere in me - it helped me stand up for myself with a boss who was less than kind and see my worth outside of trying to keep the boss happy. ✨
I really enjoyed this piece Rachel.
No can’t say I have but I sure would like to meet a person that exemplifies both power and gentleness what a charming confident combination.