I am beginning to untangle myself from this poisonous vine, to the extent I am beginning to see it. Thirty years ago a dear friend was diagnosed with cancer. She did a program with a (in?)famous individual who has spontaneous remission of their terminal cancer. The program required her to fully accept she had given herself cancer. She told me she could have agreed, except her cancer is a pediatric cancer, she was one of the oldest known cases dying at 28. That was her line in the sand: that a precious innocent baby does not give itself cancer, doesn’t choose agonizing pain, a failed bone marrow transplant and an early death. We say things to ourselves that we would never say to a child, or I hope not.
Thank you for the phrase ‘empowered helplessness’ that reveals the lie: its as if we are strapped to a table and society tells us we can undo our own straps. Its a comfortable lie because society can blame you for your circumstances and doesn’t have to do anything to help. That doesn’t only play out in health. (I would like to punch that complementary practitioner who harmed you too.)
The self blame is particularly resonant for me in the context of getting pregnant. It’s the one thing I can’t control, but it’s easier to blame someone, so I blame myself. Thank you for sharing your story.
One visual a therapist gifted me (which I believe comes from IFS - Internal Family Systems), was to view all these internal voices as all lovable parts of myself. Even, and if not especially, the part that is not at peace with "what is". Because baked in the act of accepting her is peace just as real as any other.
There is still a voice inside me that thinks I could have avoided getting cancer. It doesn't run in my family. I am young, relatively healthy. And yet, it happened. I must have misstepped somewhere along the line.
I didn't like the feeling of resenting my own body, which seemed to be common for many young cancer patients. A resounding and understandable "how could it do this to me? how can I trust my body again?" was all over my support groups. But it felt strange to blame such an innocent thing. I saw my body as a casualty of the whole experience. So instead, I took to the feeling of "how could *I* have done this to *us*? I was in charge of you and I messed up so badly."
I think it was easier to set the blame on something I could control and correct in the future - my choices. If I could control choices, then I could avoid it happening again. It wasn't until I had admitted this thought to my partner when I realized how much of a chokehold the self-blaming had on me. I think he was taken aback by how this wasn't obvious to me and said (very softly and with concern) - "You know there's nothing you could have done, right? Healthy people get cancer all the time."
But if that were true... if healthy people could get cancer and unhealthy people could have smooth pregnancies then some part of me has to admit, I really have very little control over anything. It can be painful to get lost in that thought, but I guess that's the whole endless lesson in being human. None of us seemed to have mastered it quite yet - at least not in a way that keeps us in pace with modern life - and there is comfort in that . As you said, it is complicated. Thank you for continuing to share these stories with so much compassion and clarity.
Having miscarriages while trying to have kids is incredibly common and, understandably, no one talks about it until years later. The hard part is that you need to hear about it at the time you are going through it so you don't feel deficient. I was amazed at how many friends had had some kind of miscarriage along the way. All that quiet, secret anxiety when we were trying. No one has a crystal ball, though. No one can tell you it will all work out. But, it really does most of the time. I'm 54 with twin 21 year olds and a 19 yr old. I really nailed myself in the process, mentally. try to be kind to yourselves if the going is rocky. It is for so many people.
Stress definitely affects health. This is immediately evident, even in appearance it is elementary, if you are in constant stress, your hair falls out, your skin becomes dull, and so on. How to get rid of it? Ideally, of course, draw up your ideal schedule, for example, go to bed as early as possible and get up accordingly, sleep for 8 hours, of course, engage in physical activity and indulge yourself with some little things. But I also believe that the environment also strongly influences our state of being in general. I surrounded myself with people who do not annoy me, on the contrary, they always support and inspire me, and that's great! You have to start small.
I love your term ‘Empowered helplessness’ Rae an energy I have spent the last 3 years moving in and out of because infertility can feel just plan helpless at times. But I have a pattern of breakdown to breakthrough so when it feels particularly crap I know I’m close to the upwards energy.
I never aim for perfection when I take care of my body - it’s always what makes me feel good, is fun and gives me that spark of vitality - I don’t believe in restriction when I’m already battling that so much.
After walking through the gauntlet of later-term miscarriages and fertility treatments, I came out with one conclusion: I expect myself to be able to make everything nice for everybody else. It's my job to keep things tidy (tidy emotions help people love us!).
I have told more than one friend in the same Fertility World that this is the first time where she won't be able to feign control and guarantee a happy ending. Because this isn't an issue with a negative mindset; this is the human body delivering messages.
Even with the most skilled doctors and the most diligence, you can give and give and work and work and your body can still say, "Nope, not gonna happen." And there's no "making it nice" for people watching from the outside. You either get pregnant and deliver a baby, or you don't. It's the most exposed I'd ever felt in my life. I was "failing" because I wasn't able to drag myself across a finish line the way other folks wanted me to (naturally, no interventions, in line with Mother Earth!). I couldn't work *just a little harder* and make everything nice.
yes, I do, too - though I think I'm similarly working to reframe this idea! it's hard. and I think the self-blame narrative is reiterated through social and other media sources (and has been, throughout my entire millennial-adult life). I'm also grappling with previous miscarriage that I'm nearly certain *was* caused by mold (because we found a lot of mold in our home and had to leave); AND YET, I still find myself circling the idea of, "but if I hadn't chosen this house..." the self-blame narrative runs deep. ♥️♥️ in this with you. the both/and of self environmental factors is a mind-trap.
The paragraph on decision-making, oof! I feel seen right now. It reminded me of the time someone asked me to suggest a song. I froze. I couldn't think of a single piece of music because my brain started doing all kinds of mental gymnastics, considering what the song would say about me.
I have always had difficulty answering benign questions about my favorite color or movie. Will they think I am too Indian if I pick something bright, say mustard? Same with food. My partner often asks me what I want for dinner; as you can imagine, my brain freezes, or I get overwhelmed with all the choices.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece of writing with us.
Like everything of yours I’ve read, I read this and rolled it over in my brain again and again. Actually, I read this essay twice because I was trying to find the part where you said you somehow got access to my thoughts and then copied them down perfectly. Weirdly, I couldn’t find that bit.
It did also make me realize that maybe I blame myself less than I used to? Maybe I’m more self aware about the blame I pile on my own back. I’m not sure which. But after a decade of chronic illness something did change last year. I don’t know if it was learning more about biology or untangling myself from religion. Maybe both. It was definitely due in part to leaving social media. That quieted the self blame and what I think of now as Post Scroll Stress big time. When I take care of my body now I’m aiming for…Nourishment? Kindness? Slowness? I’m not sure of the word but it’s changed and I’m grateful and we’ll see if it keeps up.
Well, I have my third at age 35 but I also had twins at 33. I think 3 kids in two years is a lot. A lot of diapers! If I could change one thing about myself in those first 10 years of mom-ing it would be to drink less wine. Young parenting and wine are kind of a thing. Wine makes us cranky the next day. Kids are just kids and need a lot of attention.
Mar 8, 2023·edited Mar 8, 2023Liked by Rachel Katz
I felt this whole essay so, so hard.
Having been through both infertility and stage 4 colon cancer, I know firsthand the shame felt when your body disappoints. As a lifelong pleasing achiever, it was extremely difficult for me to accept the idea that I did not have control over my body, that no amount of positivity or juicing could ensure my survival. After four years, I could honestly say that cancer is the best worst thing that ever happened to me, as it taught me about fear and ego, control and shame: and those lessons, while brutal, have freed me to live a life that is more connected and purposeful, in part because I am no longer fighting for control I will never have, or trying to win battles that are not my soul's own. That said, I'm six months into what was supposed to be a year-long Substack about what I learned, and I'm conscious my recovery will be lifelong. : )
I cannot wait to see what you experience when you share your miscarriage experience. So, so many are aching for stories to help them understand their own journeys; and I suspect in sharing you will find yourself healed by the process and in the connection. All the best to you.
I’m TTC and this kind of thinking has been driving me crazy for monthes. I’m basically listening to podcasts about Jung and astrology to help convince myself that I do not have control over sooooo many things. Thanks for writing this.
In the face of ugly life events that temporarily send me deep into the morass of self-doubt, I ponder all the other ugly events (and some are hideous; just saying) that I have survived better than I could have ever imagined. That helps.
1) That doctor was a dick and blamed you for something he had to know was due to inexplicable causes in part at least. (Get women doctors when you have a choice.)
2) Become friendly with statistics and the math of things and frame your questions in those terms. E.g., how likely is this to work?
3) Set the bar low. Just throw that misshapen fucker out. Who said the bar applied to you, anyway?
4) Crying isn't losing. People who can't cry manifest it in other ways, at least I do. Let those tears flow and then when you cry when you are happy, you'll realize it's all one big, miserable ball, this life--a beautiful terror and our expression of it is an awful love.
I am beginning to untangle myself from this poisonous vine, to the extent I am beginning to see it. Thirty years ago a dear friend was diagnosed with cancer. She did a program with a (in?)famous individual who has spontaneous remission of their terminal cancer. The program required her to fully accept she had given herself cancer. She told me she could have agreed, except her cancer is a pediatric cancer, she was one of the oldest known cases dying at 28. That was her line in the sand: that a precious innocent baby does not give itself cancer, doesn’t choose agonizing pain, a failed bone marrow transplant and an early death. We say things to ourselves that we would never say to a child, or I hope not.
Thank you for the phrase ‘empowered helplessness’ that reveals the lie: its as if we are strapped to a table and society tells us we can undo our own straps. Its a comfortable lie because society can blame you for your circumstances and doesn’t have to do anything to help. That doesn’t only play out in health. (I would like to punch that complementary practitioner who harmed you too.)
The self blame is particularly resonant for me in the context of getting pregnant. It’s the one thing I can’t control, but it’s easier to blame someone, so I blame myself. Thank you for sharing your story.
One visual a therapist gifted me (which I believe comes from IFS - Internal Family Systems), was to view all these internal voices as all lovable parts of myself. Even, and if not especially, the part that is not at peace with "what is". Because baked in the act of accepting her is peace just as real as any other.
There is still a voice inside me that thinks I could have avoided getting cancer. It doesn't run in my family. I am young, relatively healthy. And yet, it happened. I must have misstepped somewhere along the line.
I didn't like the feeling of resenting my own body, which seemed to be common for many young cancer patients. A resounding and understandable "how could it do this to me? how can I trust my body again?" was all over my support groups. But it felt strange to blame such an innocent thing. I saw my body as a casualty of the whole experience. So instead, I took to the feeling of "how could *I* have done this to *us*? I was in charge of you and I messed up so badly."
I think it was easier to set the blame on something I could control and correct in the future - my choices. If I could control choices, then I could avoid it happening again. It wasn't until I had admitted this thought to my partner when I realized how much of a chokehold the self-blaming had on me. I think he was taken aback by how this wasn't obvious to me and said (very softly and with concern) - "You know there's nothing you could have done, right? Healthy people get cancer all the time."
But if that were true... if healthy people could get cancer and unhealthy people could have smooth pregnancies then some part of me has to admit, I really have very little control over anything. It can be painful to get lost in that thought, but I guess that's the whole endless lesson in being human. None of us seemed to have mastered it quite yet - at least not in a way that keeps us in pace with modern life - and there is comfort in that . As you said, it is complicated. Thank you for continuing to share these stories with so much compassion and clarity.
Having miscarriages while trying to have kids is incredibly common and, understandably, no one talks about it until years later. The hard part is that you need to hear about it at the time you are going through it so you don't feel deficient. I was amazed at how many friends had had some kind of miscarriage along the way. All that quiet, secret anxiety when we were trying. No one has a crystal ball, though. No one can tell you it will all work out. But, it really does most of the time. I'm 54 with twin 21 year olds and a 19 yr old. I really nailed myself in the process, mentally. try to be kind to yourselves if the going is rocky. It is for so many people.
Stress definitely affects health. This is immediately evident, even in appearance it is elementary, if you are in constant stress, your hair falls out, your skin becomes dull, and so on. How to get rid of it? Ideally, of course, draw up your ideal schedule, for example, go to bed as early as possible and get up accordingly, sleep for 8 hours, of course, engage in physical activity and indulge yourself with some little things. But I also believe that the environment also strongly influences our state of being in general. I surrounded myself with people who do not annoy me, on the contrary, they always support and inspire me, and that's great! You have to start small.
Such a great read. I actually just wrote similarly about the pressure to be perfect to conceive https://open.substack.com/pub/thebardo/p/perfectly-conceived?utm_source=direct&r=18lsan&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
I love your term ‘Empowered helplessness’ Rae an energy I have spent the last 3 years moving in and out of because infertility can feel just plan helpless at times. But I have a pattern of breakdown to breakthrough so when it feels particularly crap I know I’m close to the upwards energy.
I never aim for perfection when I take care of my body - it’s always what makes me feel good, is fun and gives me that spark of vitality - I don’t believe in restriction when I’m already battling that so much.
There is a reason everyone close their eyes while hugging someone. Nothing else matters than letting you know you are loved.
After walking through the gauntlet of later-term miscarriages and fertility treatments, I came out with one conclusion: I expect myself to be able to make everything nice for everybody else. It's my job to keep things tidy (tidy emotions help people love us!).
I have told more than one friend in the same Fertility World that this is the first time where she won't be able to feign control and guarantee a happy ending. Because this isn't an issue with a negative mindset; this is the human body delivering messages.
Even with the most skilled doctors and the most diligence, you can give and give and work and work and your body can still say, "Nope, not gonna happen." And there's no "making it nice" for people watching from the outside. You either get pregnant and deliver a baby, or you don't. It's the most exposed I'd ever felt in my life. I was "failing" because I wasn't able to drag myself across a finish line the way other folks wanted me to (naturally, no interventions, in line with Mother Earth!). I couldn't work *just a little harder* and make everything nice.
yes, I do, too - though I think I'm similarly working to reframe this idea! it's hard. and I think the self-blame narrative is reiterated through social and other media sources (and has been, throughout my entire millennial-adult life). I'm also grappling with previous miscarriage that I'm nearly certain *was* caused by mold (because we found a lot of mold in our home and had to leave); AND YET, I still find myself circling the idea of, "but if I hadn't chosen this house..." the self-blame narrative runs deep. ♥️♥️ in this with you. the both/and of self environmental factors is a mind-trap.
This really resonates. I feel this all the time and I’m on a similar health journey. We’re in it together! Hope to become a full subscriber soon!
The paragraph on decision-making, oof! I feel seen right now. It reminded me of the time someone asked me to suggest a song. I froze. I couldn't think of a single piece of music because my brain started doing all kinds of mental gymnastics, considering what the song would say about me.
I have always had difficulty answering benign questions about my favorite color or movie. Will they think I am too Indian if I pick something bright, say mustard? Same with food. My partner often asks me what I want for dinner; as you can imagine, my brain freezes, or I get overwhelmed with all the choices.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful piece of writing with us.
Like everything of yours I’ve read, I read this and rolled it over in my brain again and again. Actually, I read this essay twice because I was trying to find the part where you said you somehow got access to my thoughts and then copied them down perfectly. Weirdly, I couldn’t find that bit.
It did also make me realize that maybe I blame myself less than I used to? Maybe I’m more self aware about the blame I pile on my own back. I’m not sure which. But after a decade of chronic illness something did change last year. I don’t know if it was learning more about biology or untangling myself from religion. Maybe both. It was definitely due in part to leaving social media. That quieted the self blame and what I think of now as Post Scroll Stress big time. When I take care of my body now I’m aiming for…Nourishment? Kindness? Slowness? I’m not sure of the word but it’s changed and I’m grateful and we’ll see if it keeps up.
I actually just published something tangential to this and linked your essay. https://peaceofthewhole.substack.com/p/we-werent-made-for-this
Well, I have my third at age 35 but I also had twins at 33. I think 3 kids in two years is a lot. A lot of diapers! If I could change one thing about myself in those first 10 years of mom-ing it would be to drink less wine. Young parenting and wine are kind of a thing. Wine makes us cranky the next day. Kids are just kids and need a lot of attention.
I felt this whole essay so, so hard.
Having been through both infertility and stage 4 colon cancer, I know firsthand the shame felt when your body disappoints. As a lifelong pleasing achiever, it was extremely difficult for me to accept the idea that I did not have control over my body, that no amount of positivity or juicing could ensure my survival. After four years, I could honestly say that cancer is the best worst thing that ever happened to me, as it taught me about fear and ego, control and shame: and those lessons, while brutal, have freed me to live a life that is more connected and purposeful, in part because I am no longer fighting for control I will never have, or trying to win battles that are not my soul's own. That said, I'm six months into what was supposed to be a year-long Substack about what I learned, and I'm conscious my recovery will be lifelong. : )
I cannot wait to see what you experience when you share your miscarriage experience. So, so many are aching for stories to help them understand their own journeys; and I suspect in sharing you will find yourself healed by the process and in the connection. All the best to you.
I’m TTC and this kind of thinking has been driving me crazy for monthes. I’m basically listening to podcasts about Jung and astrology to help convince myself that I do not have control over sooooo many things. Thanks for writing this.
In the face of ugly life events that temporarily send me deep into the morass of self-doubt, I ponder all the other ugly events (and some are hideous; just saying) that I have survived better than I could have ever imagined. That helps.
1) That doctor was a dick and blamed you for something he had to know was due to inexplicable causes in part at least. (Get women doctors when you have a choice.)
2) Become friendly with statistics and the math of things and frame your questions in those terms. E.g., how likely is this to work?
3) Set the bar low. Just throw that misshapen fucker out. Who said the bar applied to you, anyway?
4) Crying isn't losing. People who can't cry manifest it in other ways, at least I do. Let those tears flow and then when you cry when you are happy, you'll realize it's all one big, miserable ball, this life--a beautiful terror and our expression of it is an awful love.