I can’t say exactly when my leaving Silicon Valley began. There was no grand reckoning but a series of so many hairline fractures, barely perceptible, which were lengthened and widened incident by tiny incident. Early on, sometime around 2015, I was in the audience of a fireside chat about venture capital investment (oh god, not another one of those). This event took place on an upper floor of a downtown San Francisco high rise, dutifully appointed with the current tech aesthetic: an open floor plan, one brightly colored wall, a ping pong table, and a refrigerator stocked with the seltzer brand of the moment. The place smelled mildly of beer from the ever-full keg, and one could catch a whiff of mediterranean food from the catered employee lunch. The featured investor was from a venture fund called Homebrew, which consisted of two men who had left bigger funds, come up with a unique, value-add
Thank you for articulating what I’ve been struggling to explain to myself and to others - why did I, and many other women, leave strong and growing careers in male-dominated fields? While we stayed, why did we get so physically and mentally sick? And what was it that finally helped us wake up to the unreality of the game we were playing and our real role in it?
Oh wow, I am enraged, frustrated, shocked, horrified, infuriated, sad, and feeling connected simultaneously.
"Like, for example, if you were going to try and get me to leave my wife, you would really, really have to convince me." As someone who has worked as a software engineer in the Bay Area for over 10 years, comments like this should not surprise me. Yet, here we are with me going - WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! as I read about your experience.
"so privileged and so miserable" - I HEAR YOU!!
I keep going back and forth between wanting out and staying to fight the patriarchy. It was more manageable in my 20s. In my early 30s, I am burnt out with little energy to deal with it. Although I might steal your idea and respond with an update on my menstrual cycle next time someone asks me to tell them something wild about myself, LOL.
Again, thank you for sharing your experience with such beautiful words. I know it is not easy. OH, and for what it's worth, "women like you" is what this misogynist industry needs. So, thank you!!
I have never been to Silicon Valley but I know deeply that every word you wrote is true. Those men, those behaviours continue to exist everywhere even while we pretend that they don’t. It is a grand lie and a delusion to think otherwise.
I mean, what a perfect potential book title this essay has. It's like Mad Men took place in Silicon Valley. I share a very similar experience (albeit in Agricultural business) why did I stay? Why did I stay?
I never knew until I read "Women Who Run With The Wolves" (you might enjoy it, I think) and the author, Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, talks about when women's fight or flight instinct is diminished. I found the quote, which follows an analysis of an animal experiment in the 60s.
"...scientists speculated that when a creature is exposed to violence, it will tend to adapt to that disturbance, so that when the violence ceases or the creature is allowed its freedom, the healthy instinct to flee is hugely diminished, and the creature stays put instead. "
I think if there's any benefit to be gained, is that I know what that feels like now, and can see it coming. It sounds like you do, too.
Thank you for articulating what I’ve been struggling to explain to myself and to others - why did I, and many other women, leave strong and growing careers in male-dominated fields? While we stayed, why did we get so physically and mentally sick? And what was it that finally helped us wake up to the unreality of the game we were playing and our real role in it?
This would have been in Sheryl Sandberg's books if they weren't protecting so many reputations and shameful truths. Thanks for writing.
Love your bravery Rae.
Oh wow, I am enraged, frustrated, shocked, horrified, infuriated, sad, and feeling connected simultaneously.
"Like, for example, if you were going to try and get me to leave my wife, you would really, really have to convince me." As someone who has worked as a software engineer in the Bay Area for over 10 years, comments like this should not surprise me. Yet, here we are with me going - WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! as I read about your experience.
"so privileged and so miserable" - I HEAR YOU!!
I keep going back and forth between wanting out and staying to fight the patriarchy. It was more manageable in my 20s. In my early 30s, I am burnt out with little energy to deal with it. Although I might steal your idea and respond with an update on my menstrual cycle next time someone asks me to tell them something wild about myself, LOL.
Again, thank you for sharing your experience with such beautiful words. I know it is not easy. OH, and for what it's worth, "women like you" is what this misogynist industry needs. So, thank you!!
I have never been to Silicon Valley but I know deeply that every word you wrote is true. Those men, those behaviours continue to exist everywhere even while we pretend that they don’t. It is a grand lie and a delusion to think otherwise.
I mean, what a perfect potential book title this essay has. It's like Mad Men took place in Silicon Valley. I share a very similar experience (albeit in Agricultural business) why did I stay? Why did I stay?
I never knew until I read "Women Who Run With The Wolves" (you might enjoy it, I think) and the author, Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes, talks about when women's fight or flight instinct is diminished. I found the quote, which follows an analysis of an animal experiment in the 60s.
"...scientists speculated that when a creature is exposed to violence, it will tend to adapt to that disturbance, so that when the violence ceases or the creature is allowed its freedom, the healthy instinct to flee is hugely diminished, and the creature stays put instead. "
I think if there's any benefit to be gained, is that I know what that feels like now, and can see it coming. It sounds like you do, too.