Twenty-five years ago I was defrauded on an investment at work, and I became a genius at the catastrophe domino game. I was thirty-seven to thirty eight at the time. It must have triggered all my insecurities. my thoughts were completely unreasonable, yet I still had them, night after night. Only Scotch could dull the obsession. I didn't call it an obsession there but reality.
My wife intervened and I snapped out of it. But I'll never forget how my mind is capable of turning on itself.
At 62, I have the advantage of perspective, which helps promote reasonableness.
Rachel, I'm repeating myself, but I'll observe that your self-awareness is highly advanced. And that is a wonderful asset to combat obsessions.
Fascinating story, thanks for sharing. I agree that self awareness can be an antidote. However it can also turn into an obsession at times, I think. In some ways, obsession and the type of deep thinking that fuels my writing are two sides of the same coin. Isn’t it true that every trait has a bright side and a shadow side?
Perhaps self-awareness is that rare obsession that is not unhealthy. Because it naturally zig-zags as we dig deeper and does not lead in one direction. A theory!
If you watch news footage of that1989 quake, you will see a motorcyclist ride onto the bridge that collapsed in the middle, then turn around and come back. That motorcyclist was the man who is my husband today. He was a naval officer stationed in Oakland at the time. He got a bad feeling when he couldn't see the cars in front of him anymore and got off the bridge.
The San Andreas fault isn't near where I live; our bigger threat is wildfires. 2007 was the worst: there was fire everywhere but due west of us, and we were ready to go if we had to be evacuated. Photo albums and important papers were in the car and the cat carrier was in the living room. Everything else, my mother and I reasoned, could be replaced. I had friends on the coast who we could have stayed with, just in case.
I've had Covid twice and I have Long Covid now. I mask up when I go to any medical facility, use public transportation, or enter any building with many people in it. My husband, on the other hand, doesn't mask up, even though he's had Covid. That's sailor stubbornness for you. I also have a good friend who masks up even more than I do, though I believe she hasn't gotten it yet. I try very hard not to judge the calculus everyone engages in; most of the time, I can do the "Live and Let Live" mantra and mean it.
I have OCD, and the dark thoughts that cling and intrude and worry and wake me up in the middle of the night are in a calmer state this month. But oh the ways I've pictured my death. It was concerning for me, as well, when it first started happening. I just figured it was a depression thing. When I found out it was OCD, I realized it would be just another battle. It's worth fighting, though.
Rachel, thank you for writing and sharing this. It's a scary place when you can't trust your own mind. I've been there, and I feel your closing sentences keenly. Although my destructive thoughts aren't so constant these days, sometimes I feel as though I'm just teetering along the edge of a knife. Any hint of instability in my life could send me careening over. It makes me think I'm weak, but you remind me that at least, we are still able to live, miraculously.
Fears definitely are felt first in the gut and then the conscious mind. My problem is the fears came to pass enough times that the gut response of dread and anxiety got stuck. I’d feel those responses regardless of the actual situation because some little something would turn them on.
Or sometimes they switch on if I hear certain phone tone rings (I called it the 3:00 am phone call feeling), a helicopter overhead, or even a news report. When I heard about the Haiti earthquake, the gut reaction was so overwhelming I stopped driving and parked until I could pull myself back together.
I’ve learned to turn off the responses with little scripts and rituals, but sometimes Xanax is the only way to control the anxiety.
Twenty-five years ago I was defrauded on an investment at work, and I became a genius at the catastrophe domino game. I was thirty-seven to thirty eight at the time. It must have triggered all my insecurities. my thoughts were completely unreasonable, yet I still had them, night after night. Only Scotch could dull the obsession. I didn't call it an obsession there but reality.
My wife intervened and I snapped out of it. But I'll never forget how my mind is capable of turning on itself.
At 62, I have the advantage of perspective, which helps promote reasonableness.
Rachel, I'm repeating myself, but I'll observe that your self-awareness is highly advanced. And that is a wonderful asset to combat obsessions.
Fascinating story, thanks for sharing. I agree that self awareness can be an antidote. However it can also turn into an obsession at times, I think. In some ways, obsession and the type of deep thinking that fuels my writing are two sides of the same coin. Isn’t it true that every trait has a bright side and a shadow side?
Thanks for the kind words!
Perhaps self-awareness is that rare obsession that is not unhealthy. Because it naturally zig-zags as we dig deeper and does not lead in one direction. A theory!
If you watch news footage of that1989 quake, you will see a motorcyclist ride onto the bridge that collapsed in the middle, then turn around and come back. That motorcyclist was the man who is my husband today. He was a naval officer stationed in Oakland at the time. He got a bad feeling when he couldn't see the cars in front of him anymore and got off the bridge.
The San Andreas fault isn't near where I live; our bigger threat is wildfires. 2007 was the worst: there was fire everywhere but due west of us, and we were ready to go if we had to be evacuated. Photo albums and important papers were in the car and the cat carrier was in the living room. Everything else, my mother and I reasoned, could be replaced. I had friends on the coast who we could have stayed with, just in case.
I've had Covid twice and I have Long Covid now. I mask up when I go to any medical facility, use public transportation, or enter any building with many people in it. My husband, on the other hand, doesn't mask up, even though he's had Covid. That's sailor stubbornness for you. I also have a good friend who masks up even more than I do, though I believe she hasn't gotten it yet. I try very hard not to judge the calculus everyone engages in; most of the time, I can do the "Live and Let Live" mantra and mean it.
That is an insane story about your husband!!!!
And yes, I think that we cannot judge the strange calculus everyone makes, as you say. None of it is really “logical”, and it’s all very human.
I have OCD, and the dark thoughts that cling and intrude and worry and wake me up in the middle of the night are in a calmer state this month. But oh the ways I've pictured my death. It was concerning for me, as well, when it first started happening. I just figured it was a depression thing. When I found out it was OCD, I realized it would be just another battle. It's worth fighting, though.
Thanks for sharing Elizabeth. I agree that naming it and understanding it is very powerful in diminishing its power. Writing is one way I do that.
Beautifully written. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you Margaret!
Rachel, thank you for writing and sharing this. It's a scary place when you can't trust your own mind. I've been there, and I feel your closing sentences keenly. Although my destructive thoughts aren't so constant these days, sometimes I feel as though I'm just teetering along the edge of a knife. Any hint of instability in my life could send me careening over. It makes me think I'm weak, but you remind me that at least, we are still able to live, miraculously.
Fears definitely are felt first in the gut and then the conscious mind. My problem is the fears came to pass enough times that the gut response of dread and anxiety got stuck. I’d feel those responses regardless of the actual situation because some little something would turn them on.
Or sometimes they switch on if I hear certain phone tone rings (I called it the 3:00 am phone call feeling), a helicopter overhead, or even a news report. When I heard about the Haiti earthquake, the gut reaction was so overwhelming I stopped driving and parked until I could pull myself back together.
I’ve learned to turn off the responses with little scripts and rituals, but sometimes Xanax is the only way to control the anxiety.