this is beautiful in a heart-breaking kind of way, I think? because I wish I could read this from an outsider's perspective and think, "wow, that sounds really challenging," but instead I feel it in my body in big ways - the kind of ways that touch grief, that relate to my own fears and anxieties. thank you so much for writing this. glad you're here, living with these complexities (and kind of selfishly, I'm glad I'm not alone in this world of complex experience with fear)
Sending you so much love, Alycia! I did consider a content warning on this one given the themes and how visceral it is at times, but decided to just let it be. I'm always curious if people prefer warnings, though.
I appreciate your candor and the amount of energy you put into this query. I experienced tremors of the sort that obsessed you so profoundly, but was only mildly shaken. Your submission sparked some musings and gave me some insights I would have missed, as I had ignored those little tremors. Thank you.
As a kid I stepped over the inner cracks you describe so candidly, as I did the cut lines I grew up stepping over on New York City’s imperfect concrete sidewalks.
In the wake of the exuberance and disillusionment of the 1960’s, I distilled the necessities out of my small, stuffed apartment into a 1963 Volvo station wagon and headed for the granite walls that held Yosemite Valley.
Hanging from my fingers and toes hundreds of feet above the rocks below was a test of fire for me. I delighted in the sensuality, the muscular and mental tension, in the fragrances of sun-burnt skin and sun-baked granite. I camped there climbing for a few months.
Visually it was a profound experience, this trade off of imposing granite skylines and the sometimes “mean” and dangerous streets for the grandeur of a steep-walled canyon. The death of a fellow climber who, in ecstasy I’m guessing, had rappelled off the end of his rope in a tragic accident, shook me out of the trance climbing had been for me. I could just as well enjoy the wild country from the ground as from the walls, and perhaps enjoy it for a bit longer.
I now live in Montana, several hundred miles from the Yellowstone caldera. I have heard that if this one blows it will take a substantial part of Montana with it. When I lived near Yellowstone I was aware of the caldera. Now a few hundred more miles away (still in Montana) I never think of that. Distance makes the heart grow calmer, I guess. If we are alive on Earth we straddle all kinds fault lines, and between our imperfect risk calculations and the lust for aliveness, we manage to negotiate our way along some how, don’t we?
I love this last statement: "If we are alive on Earth we straddle all kinds fault lines, and between our imperfect risk calculations and the lust for aliveness, we manage to negotiate our way along some how, don’t we?"
Thanks for sharing your beautiful thoughts. Your description of climbing made me feel a prickle of fear just reading it...power to your younger self...I would never be able to do that!
You peer so fearlessly into your fear that it seems you bely your sense of limitation. If there were a need, you might just drop fear on the ground and proceed to any height. The most frightening thought is like all others made of a gossamer veil of dreaming.
Thank you for sharing this. I love the widening of my horizons that comes from reading another human’s honest story and both feeling seen and similar and feeling how unique and wonderfully varied we all are at the exact same time. Its also a beautifully written, beautifully paced story. Thank you again.
This is such carefully wrought and beautiful writing about such a difficult and consuming disease and life experience. I relate very strongly to the image of the baby goat trying to walk.
Dara, I deeply appreciate the kind words. This one definitely emerged over many years and is close to my heart. I love that you liked the baby goat image!
Thanks Cathy. Once in a training I saw a video that panned through a hospital and showed little thought bubbles over everyone's head saying something wonderful or awful that had just happened to them. The point was that you never know what's going on in a stranger's life, and what might be informing their behavior. That really resonated with me, and I think of the video often.
Wow, thank you for sharing so vulnerably. My wife has harm OCD too and this essay perfectly encapsulates how she has described it to me. It's a cruel and brutal disorder.
As a Brazilian who moved to LA 3 years ago, my fear of earthquakes is genuine. I would love to say I don't think about this, but it would be a lie. I keep comparing and reassessing the risks of living in São Paulo and being mugged, robbed.. shot.. and earthquakes. Or moving to Israel.. with the rockets. Will there ever be a place/time when our heads can be appeased?
Ted, thanks for sharing a bit of your internal life. I (obviously) can relate. For me, it's definitely a fine line to walk--I do believe that being careful can keep my family safer, and also, in the scheme of things I can control very little, as you said.
One thing that has been interesting - my husband is a much less anxious and security-seeking person than I am, much more likely to assume everything will be ok. But since we had our first child, he has actually play the role of the concerned one, thinking about knives falling from the counter and such, while I have actually found myself more relaxed. This is extremely unexpected, as you can imagine! I wonder if there are any little pockets of life where you feel notably at ease? Not sure if others have that experience.
this is beautiful in a heart-breaking kind of way, I think? because I wish I could read this from an outsider's perspective and think, "wow, that sounds really challenging," but instead I feel it in my body in big ways - the kind of ways that touch grief, that relate to my own fears and anxieties. thank you so much for writing this. glad you're here, living with these complexities (and kind of selfishly, I'm glad I'm not alone in this world of complex experience with fear)
Sending you so much love, Alycia! I did consider a content warning on this one given the themes and how visceral it is at times, but decided to just let it be. I'm always curious if people prefer warnings, though.
i love you, Rae. this takes courage and i’m honored to witness it.
Aw thanks Yvonne, I love you so much too!
Also, IMHO, it takes more courage to do standup lol.
❤️❤️
I appreciate your candor and the amount of energy you put into this query. I experienced tremors of the sort that obsessed you so profoundly, but was only mildly shaken. Your submission sparked some musings and gave me some insights I would have missed, as I had ignored those little tremors. Thank you.
As a kid I stepped over the inner cracks you describe so candidly, as I did the cut lines I grew up stepping over on New York City’s imperfect concrete sidewalks.
In the wake of the exuberance and disillusionment of the 1960’s, I distilled the necessities out of my small, stuffed apartment into a 1963 Volvo station wagon and headed for the granite walls that held Yosemite Valley.
Hanging from my fingers and toes hundreds of feet above the rocks below was a test of fire for me. I delighted in the sensuality, the muscular and mental tension, in the fragrances of sun-burnt skin and sun-baked granite. I camped there climbing for a few months.
Visually it was a profound experience, this trade off of imposing granite skylines and the sometimes “mean” and dangerous streets for the grandeur of a steep-walled canyon. The death of a fellow climber who, in ecstasy I’m guessing, had rappelled off the end of his rope in a tragic accident, shook me out of the trance climbing had been for me. I could just as well enjoy the wild country from the ground as from the walls, and perhaps enjoy it for a bit longer.
I now live in Montana, several hundred miles from the Yellowstone caldera. I have heard that if this one blows it will take a substantial part of Montana with it. When I lived near Yellowstone I was aware of the caldera. Now a few hundred more miles away (still in Montana) I never think of that. Distance makes the heart grow calmer, I guess. If we are alive on Earth we straddle all kinds fault lines, and between our imperfect risk calculations and the lust for aliveness, we manage to negotiate our way along some how, don’t we?
I love this last statement: "If we are alive on Earth we straddle all kinds fault lines, and between our imperfect risk calculations and the lust for aliveness, we manage to negotiate our way along some how, don’t we?"
Thanks for sharing your beautiful thoughts. Your description of climbing made me feel a prickle of fear just reading it...power to your younger self...I would never be able to do that!
You peer so fearlessly into your fear that it seems you bely your sense of limitation. If there were a need, you might just drop fear on the ground and proceed to any height. The most frightening thought is like all others made of a gossamer veil of dreaming.
Thank you for sharing this. I love the widening of my horizons that comes from reading another human’s honest story and both feeling seen and similar and feeling how unique and wonderfully varied we all are at the exact same time. Its also a beautifully written, beautifully paced story. Thank you again.
Great to hear from you again, Michelle, and thanks so much! Every person is truly a whole ocean.
Did you know you were mentioned a few times in today’s Substack Shoutout thread? Congratulations
Ah, I meant to join today but my son is home sick so I couldn't! Thanks for letting me know, that definitely makes my day :)
🔥❤️
This is such carefully wrought and beautiful writing about such a difficult and consuming disease and life experience. I relate very strongly to the image of the baby goat trying to walk.
Dara, I deeply appreciate the kind words. This one definitely emerged over many years and is close to my heart. I love that you liked the baby goat image!
Wow. I appreciate this so much as it gives me reason to be more empathetic around others who may be secretly dealing with something like this.
Thanks Cathy. Once in a training I saw a video that panned through a hospital and showed little thought bubbles over everyone's head saying something wonderful or awful that had just happened to them. The point was that you never know what's going on in a stranger's life, and what might be informing their behavior. That really resonated with me, and I think of the video often.
Really loved this story and your courage for sharing it!
<3 Thanks Lisa
Wow, thank you for sharing so vulnerably. My wife has harm OCD too and this essay perfectly encapsulates how she has described it to me. It's a cruel and brutal disorder.
Thanks Lyle, the highest compliment for me is that I captured the essence of something that's hard to describe <3
❤️❤️
Holy crap. First: the writing: wow!!! Damn good prose. Second: I just wrote about this very thing myself: https://reallife82.substack.com/p/obsessive-compulsive-disorder
I relate so, so, SO much to this. I’m going to read it again, and to my girlfriend. (Great title btw.)
Michael Mohr
‘The Incompatibility of Being Alive’
https://reallife82.substack.com/
Thanks for for the kind words! In solidarity 💪💪
Yes 🙌
As a Brazilian who moved to LA 3 years ago, my fear of earthquakes is genuine. I would love to say I don't think about this, but it would be a lie. I keep comparing and reassessing the risks of living in São Paulo and being mugged, robbed.. shot.. and earthquakes. Or moving to Israel.. with the rockets. Will there ever be a place/time when our heads can be appeased?
Ted, thanks for sharing a bit of your internal life. I (obviously) can relate. For me, it's definitely a fine line to walk--I do believe that being careful can keep my family safer, and also, in the scheme of things I can control very little, as you said.
One thing that has been interesting - my husband is a much less anxious and security-seeking person than I am, much more likely to assume everything will be ok. But since we had our first child, he has actually play the role of the concerned one, thinking about knives falling from the counter and such, while I have actually found myself more relaxed. This is extremely unexpected, as you can imagine! I wonder if there are any little pockets of life where you feel notably at ease? Not sure if others have that experience.
Thank you. I have heard there is security hidden in insecurity. Sounds comforting and I still dig for it.
🔥🔥❤️