I loved this! I’m a HSP introvert who struggles with anxiety, with 3 homeschooled kiddos (7, 5 and 2)…balanced by running a team and successful SaaS company. I NEVER thought I’d enjoy parenting, and yet…these little buggers are my favorite people. 😂
I have similar things going my way, like a flex schedule, husband who helps, household help so I don’t have to balance keeping the house from becoming hazardous with being present with my kids.
It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, but I do think that being an HSP has REALLY helped my parenting. My kids gravitate towards me, in part because I create a calming environment and we meander thru our day vs packing it full.
That way of being was a choice for ME and my nervous system, and it just so happens it works really well for kids too (who are in general so overwhelmed by stimulus and rules and out of control feelings).
My two bigs are at my in-laws for the morning, and I know they are going to come back frazzled AF from the constant noise, screens, go go go go activities and judgmental side comments. I get it, bc I feel the same way when I visit there! 😂 So this afternoon, we’ll be decompressing with water in the backyard, sandbox time and awareness that tantrums are often just a body recalibrating.
So thanks for sharing this, all the solidarity. And ohhh I wish I had your foresight with the sleep thing. I wrecked my nervous system with all 3 kiddos in their baby stages trying to google solve the sleep issue, and I feel like we’re juuuust starting to eek out of the bad sleep phases with the youngest. 😭
Thanks for sharing! I truly cannot imagine the patience it takes to homeschool but it also toootally make sense that they vibe with the slower pace! It’s really hard for me to stick to it because of all the wonderful things to do all the time (and all the addictive activities tugging at all of us). It’s cool to hear about your experience, thanks so much!
Wait, am I not the only adult who refused to watch even vaguely scary movies and literally hides under a blanket during gore?! I'm going to go read that comment thread.
I guess I've never really considered myself a HSP but reading this has made me reconsider. I too am very cool until I unravel, and a year into my own parenting journey I've discovered the power of stepping away for 15 minutes and not feeling guilty because my husband, who has a very high stimulus screening ability, doesn't need to step away.
I'm also discovering it's easier to mono task, and now that I have child care I am enjoying getting that option!
Love this piece; thanks for the thoughtful writing.
Such a great discovery that one parent can handle more screaming and therefore can relieve the sensitive parent! That kind of load balancing can really be a lifesaver.
I never read much parenting advice either, but these words were helpful and there is wisdom to all three approaches:
For the factor of Warmth, the Affective model’s principle is ‘‘comment on acts rather than the person’’, the Behavioral model’s principle is ‘‘do more praising than punishing’’ and the Cognitive model’s principle is ‘‘allow democratic forms of participation’’. For the factor of Tolerance, the Affective model’s principle is ‘‘allow expressions of feelings’’, the Behavioral model’s principle is ‘‘do more ignoring than punishing’’ and the Cognitive model’s principle is ‘‘encourage lifestyle autonomy’’. For the factor of Control, the Affective model’s principle is ‘‘let a child know when his/her behavior is unacceptable’’, the Behavioral model’s principle is ‘‘be contingent in punishing only behaviors that you want to see less of ’’ while the Cognitive model’s principle is ‘‘arrange to have a child experience the natural or logical consequences of misbehavior’’.
Stephen Greenspan: Rethinking "Harmonious Parenting" Using a Three-Factor Discipline Model, 2006
Gosh, I wish I knew myself better before having babies. I look back and wonder whether I became such a mess because of all the ways I gave too much of myself to parenthood. I’m much more balanced now and able to do some of the things you mentioned (like ignoring advice and going with my gut). I think it’s super important for our kids to see us navigating this stuff - to see us struggle and take care of ourselves.
I think it’s all a big journey! We started later than I wanted and it got pushed even later due to infertility. Turns out that had some benefits, but was also very painful.
Thank you for sharing this anti-horror parenting story :) My biggest take always were: don’t squeeze too many things into a small space of time, trust my intuition, happily tune out the noise. Love it!
Also kudos on setting your life up so you can actively enjoy parenting (childcare, supportive partner, flexible work etc. I’m working towards the same thing). Was this something you and partner talked about before having kids or did it unfold with the life stage?
So glad it resonated Renee! We definitely talked about kids before getting married - I was always clear that I wanted more than one and he did too. You really never know how someone will react to the transition into parenthood (including how you yourself will), but we both have certain qualities that lend themselves to parenting and, most importantly, the desire for it. My husband in particular has maintained his childlike curiosity into adulthood so he’s really well suited to hang with a toddler who finds everything amazing :)
Thanks Rae! Really appreciate your thoughts. Both my partner and I have always wanted kids too. The first time I saw him interact with kids I knew he was going to be an amazing Dad and I was like yep! this one is for me :)
Now we've started to talk about how to design our life so we both get time with them and have flexible work. Were there any things that you guys did in the life set up arena that helped you transition into parenthood?
As a non HSP parenting a HSC, highly sensitive child, it was really nerve wrecking. I wish I was a HSC! I cannot just wing it, and I am not sensitive enough to my child (or so I harshly judge myself), hence I read all the help I can get from books or the internet. I approached parenting like science or like pursuing a degree! In some cases it worked, some cases a little (like sleep!!), and a lot of cases it doesn't. But thanks for sharing about being more relax and generally don't try to do everything, I think I should really take a step back and prioritize just "being" with my children more. Maybe then I can sense them more, even if I am not a HSP. Parenting is generally quite fun but the evenings and mornings are so challenging! I am also reading now a book on HSC to understand my son more, so yeah, I'm still unsure if my academic approach to parenting is all good but at least it's assuring me I am trying my best! :)
Your post actually made me hopeful about my potential future as a parent, and I think you're so right about not seeking out any advice. I hope I'll be able to do the same if and when the time comes.
For me, babies are so easy. I find that once the egos are formed, it becomes much more difficult for me to parent calmly. But in those baby days, where it's pure intuition, I thrive! My baby is turning 5 next week... Missing those baby days, but very proud of the sensitive humans I've raised.
Wow. Yep. All of this. A great reminder as I embark on “vacation” with my three youngsters as a HSP. I just read Dr. Elaine Aron’s book a couple of months ago. Really insightful and made me feel understood! Also why I had such a terrible time after watching the move “Titanic”. 😆❤️
This is so nice to hear! As someone who hopes to be a parent one day losing my sleep has always been a big fear.
As an HSP I've been surprised to find public speaking relatively easy, and more broadly communicating with people-- I think that I'm so aware of how I'm feeling that its difficult for me to be avoidant/ hold it in!
I’m not a parent but this actually made me open up (just a bit more) to the possibility! Thanks for offering a hopeful perspective 🫶
Amazing! Thanks for reading :)
I loved this! I’m a HSP introvert who struggles with anxiety, with 3 homeschooled kiddos (7, 5 and 2)…balanced by running a team and successful SaaS company. I NEVER thought I’d enjoy parenting, and yet…these little buggers are my favorite people. 😂
I have similar things going my way, like a flex schedule, husband who helps, household help so I don’t have to balance keeping the house from becoming hazardous with being present with my kids.
It’s not all sunshine and rainbows, but I do think that being an HSP has REALLY helped my parenting. My kids gravitate towards me, in part because I create a calming environment and we meander thru our day vs packing it full.
That way of being was a choice for ME and my nervous system, and it just so happens it works really well for kids too (who are in general so overwhelmed by stimulus and rules and out of control feelings).
My two bigs are at my in-laws for the morning, and I know they are going to come back frazzled AF from the constant noise, screens, go go go go activities and judgmental side comments. I get it, bc I feel the same way when I visit there! 😂 So this afternoon, we’ll be decompressing with water in the backyard, sandbox time and awareness that tantrums are often just a body recalibrating.
So thanks for sharing this, all the solidarity. And ohhh I wish I had your foresight with the sleep thing. I wrecked my nervous system with all 3 kiddos in their baby stages trying to google solve the sleep issue, and I feel like we’re juuuust starting to eek out of the bad sleep phases with the youngest. 😭
Thanks for sharing! I truly cannot imagine the patience it takes to homeschool but it also toootally make sense that they vibe with the slower pace! It’s really hard for me to stick to it because of all the wonderful things to do all the time (and all the addictive activities tugging at all of us). It’s cool to hear about your experience, thanks so much!
Wait, am I not the only adult who refused to watch even vaguely scary movies and literally hides under a blanket during gore?! I'm going to go read that comment thread.
I guess I've never really considered myself a HSP but reading this has made me reconsider. I too am very cool until I unravel, and a year into my own parenting journey I've discovered the power of stepping away for 15 minutes and not feeling guilty because my husband, who has a very high stimulus screening ability, doesn't need to step away.
I'm also discovering it's easier to mono task, and now that I have child care I am enjoying getting that option!
Love this piece; thanks for the thoughtful writing.
Such a great discovery that one parent can handle more screaming and therefore can relieve the sensitive parent! That kind of load balancing can really be a lifesaver.
Yes, exactly!!
I loved this
<3
I never read much parenting advice either, but these words were helpful and there is wisdom to all three approaches:
For the factor of Warmth, the Affective model’s principle is ‘‘comment on acts rather than the person’’, the Behavioral model’s principle is ‘‘do more praising than punishing’’ and the Cognitive model’s principle is ‘‘allow democratic forms of participation’’. For the factor of Tolerance, the Affective model’s principle is ‘‘allow expressions of feelings’’, the Behavioral model’s principle is ‘‘do more ignoring than punishing’’ and the Cognitive model’s principle is ‘‘encourage lifestyle autonomy’’. For the factor of Control, the Affective model’s principle is ‘‘let a child know when his/her behavior is unacceptable’’, the Behavioral model’s principle is ‘‘be contingent in punishing only behaviors that you want to see less of ’’ while the Cognitive model’s principle is ‘‘arrange to have a child experience the natural or logical consequences of misbehavior’’.
Stephen Greenspan: Rethinking "Harmonious Parenting" Using a Three-Factor Discipline Model, 2006
Gosh, I wish I knew myself better before having babies. I look back and wonder whether I became such a mess because of all the ways I gave too much of myself to parenthood. I’m much more balanced now and able to do some of the things you mentioned (like ignoring advice and going with my gut). I think it’s super important for our kids to see us navigating this stuff - to see us struggle and take care of ourselves.
I think it’s all a big journey! We started later than I wanted and it got pushed even later due to infertility. Turns out that had some benefits, but was also very painful.
Thank you for sharing this anti-horror parenting story :) My biggest take always were: don’t squeeze too many things into a small space of time, trust my intuition, happily tune out the noise. Love it!
Also kudos on setting your life up so you can actively enjoy parenting (childcare, supportive partner, flexible work etc. I’m working towards the same thing). Was this something you and partner talked about before having kids or did it unfold with the life stage?
Also, worth mentioning that the baby-having did not go particularly smoothly for us and infertility strained out relationship immensely: https://raekatz.substack.com/p/crazy-women-fd0
Also thank you for sharing your journey!
So glad it resonated Renee! We definitely talked about kids before getting married - I was always clear that I wanted more than one and he did too. You really never know how someone will react to the transition into parenthood (including how you yourself will), but we both have certain qualities that lend themselves to parenting and, most importantly, the desire for it. My husband in particular has maintained his childlike curiosity into adulthood so he’s really well suited to hang with a toddler who finds everything amazing :)
Thanks Rae! Really appreciate your thoughts. Both my partner and I have always wanted kids too. The first time I saw him interact with kids I knew he was going to be an amazing Dad and I was like yep! this one is for me :)
Now we've started to talk about how to design our life so we both get time with them and have flexible work. Were there any things that you guys did in the life set up arena that helped you transition into parenthood?
As a non HSP parenting a HSC, highly sensitive child, it was really nerve wrecking. I wish I was a HSC! I cannot just wing it, and I am not sensitive enough to my child (or so I harshly judge myself), hence I read all the help I can get from books or the internet. I approached parenting like science or like pursuing a degree! In some cases it worked, some cases a little (like sleep!!), and a lot of cases it doesn't. But thanks for sharing about being more relax and generally don't try to do everything, I think I should really take a step back and prioritize just "being" with my children more. Maybe then I can sense them more, even if I am not a HSP. Parenting is generally quite fun but the evenings and mornings are so challenging! I am also reading now a book on HSC to understand my son more, so yeah, I'm still unsure if my academic approach to parenting is all good but at least it's assuring me I am trying my best! :)
Your post actually made me hopeful about my potential future as a parent, and I think you're so right about not seeking out any advice. I hope I'll be able to do the same if and when the time comes.
For me, babies are so easy. I find that once the egos are formed, it becomes much more difficult for me to parent calmly. But in those baby days, where it's pure intuition, I thrive! My baby is turning 5 next week... Missing those baby days, but very proud of the sensitive humans I've raised.
Wow. Yep. All of this. A great reminder as I embark on “vacation” with my three youngsters as a HSP. I just read Dr. Elaine Aron’s book a couple of months ago. Really insightful and made me feel understood! Also why I had such a terrible time after watching the move “Titanic”. 😆❤️
Wow yes I could NOT watch Titanic and I was so out of step with my entire generation lol 😂
This is so nice to hear! As someone who hopes to be a parent one day losing my sleep has always been a big fear.
As an HSP I've been surprised to find public speaking relatively easy, and more broadly communicating with people-- I think that I'm so aware of how I'm feeling that its difficult for me to be avoidant/ hold it in!
Interesting! Everyone is so different.
And yes - sleep training for the win 😄