1) I love the Substack community, because I find a powerful current of support among writers who more or less struggle with a lot of the same things that being a writer carries. I'm well matched with family and friends now and have retired from work, which often made me unhappy.
3) I listen to my body and stress hits my gut, which now acts like a sort of idiot-savant therapist who is perfect at telling me "You're stressed; now go figure out why" You remind me that I have to be more conscious of my breathing.
HUGE caveat. This is me at 61. If I think about my thirties and forties and early fifties, I was a bundle of angst. I think the younger people I read on Substack, including you Rae, are so much more advanced in evolving toward wisdom than I was at your age.
Hah! The gut as an idiot-avant therapist. That's perfect.
I only hope the age that this wisdom occurs continues to go down, because even though I'm grateful to come to it in my mid-thirties, it would have been REALLY helpful to have that awareness beginning in my teens.
I can't believe you're only in your mid-thirties. Teenage wisdom is an oxymoron! Please trust me when i say your introspection and writing will pay off big time sooner than you think and decades sooner than it did for me.
I’m definitely in the highly sensitive category (but also hesitate to use the HSP “identity”). I recently started my Substack (after being just a reader for about a year) because I wanted something slower and quieter than Instagram. I have met so many wonderful people in Facebook groups created by sensitive souls, so I have hope that Substack might eventually be the same.
While I have other sensitive friends, I also have a special place in my heart for my “emotional support extrovert.” She keeps inviting me to stuff and doesn’t take it personally when I decline (because the number of attendees to her birthday got too high). Often we’ll meet up for lunch for her birthday - just the two of us for a real conversation- rather than me sitting at the end of a long table of 12-15 friends all chatting (and having a grand time but it’s too much for me). I love that her friendship definition is flexible enough to include me without trying to change me. I try to do the same for her. If I’ve got a “loud or busy” event to attend, she’s my go-to to be there and help me feel grounded (and manage some of the small talk). My husband does similarly but he’s kinda required to ;) my friend is purely a volunteer.
I love the description of your "emotional support extrovert" friend! I think it's so valuable to have friends of all types, and as you say, the main thing that makes it work is that she gets when you say "no" without taking offense or making it a big deal. So amazing for you to cultivate a relationship like that, which can be hard to do! Thanks for writing and for being here :)
I really appreciate this. And I too, find myself being drawn to the sensitive women corner of substack.
I am in a period of my life where I cannot work (due to visa reasons) but am still pursuing some of my passions. I have come to realize that if I fully listened to myself and took care of my health, I can't realistically work more than 40 hours a week. I also need to be the primary manager of myself in order to set up my workspace and workflow so it can accomodate my health issues. Thankfully, I have the finances to not work full time (and now live in a country where most people don't work over 40 hours anyway), but I still struggle with the fact that my mind's ambitions often don't match my body's reality.
I think for many of us who were very talented at school (or something else) when we are little, we get the message that we should not just work hard, but over-work ourselves, because we are wasting our gifts if we don't. I think one of the biggest things I had to realize is that one of my gifts is my ability to question the values of my culture and live by my own. Passing that permission on to others in an authentic way is more important to me than how much I produce, or how many hours on the clock I log. So I am rolling with that, but also still trying to figure this all out!
"my mind's ambitions often don't match my body's reality" - man, such a good description. How many times have I been here, and how many of us are here all the time!
I also really like your point about "wasted gifts." I felt that very strongly when I worked in tech, where I felt like I had to prove that woman could do it just like men, to my detriment. But I also am finding that I much prefer to question the norms, like you, and I love your framing that this is a gift as well.
I know this too well! Although it was through an academic route not a corporate one for me. I also felt intense pressure to prove "women are capable" because I had some talent in math, which is a traditionally male dominated field. But I realized I was climbing a ladder that someone else made, just to prove that I could climb it, or that women in general could climb it, rather than question what the hell was at the top of the ladder in the first place.
I think there is something beautiful in reclaiming the feminine parts of ourselves which had to be suppressed in order to survive in these environments after we have burned out of them. I am much less interested in seeing a brilliant woman suppress herself and destroy her health and sanity to prove she is just as capable as men are, than seeing what gifts a brilliant woman who is also in touch with her softer qualities can really bring forth. ❤️
YES to reclaiming, instead of suppressing, our feminine energy ... the last five years have shown me I cannot, do not want to, and don’t have to suppress it but embrace it ✨💫
As usual, everything about this resonates. As you know, I'm someone who doesn't fit into 9-5 work culture (or retail work culture, etc.) for ALL the reasons.
For a long time, the Internet was a great home for me actually because the asynchronous pace of it allowed me to create community in ways that were right for me. That shifted a lot in recent years when it seemed like everything was asking us to be online and present and responsive ALL the time. I'm navigating what is and isn't working for me on Substack and you make some great points.
I really really really wish that Substack (and all the apps/sites) would make the user experience much more customizable to what we each do and don't want to experience. I would like, for example, to be able to go to "activity" here on Substack and select to see only app mentions or only replies ... or whatever. I would like to be able to opt out of each chat and not see it again. I would like to be able to hit a button to archive everything that's currently in my inbox when I feel the need to start fresh. Those are just a few examples.
But all that said, I'm finding so many people here like yourself who feel like "my people" who "get it" and there's something special about that.
That's such a great point about customizability - that would allow people to really curate the experience that we want for ourselves. Cynically, I don't see it happening, because it allows people to engage less (which is what we're optimizing for but against Substack's or any app's interest if the app's goal is growth). But maybe Substack could go a different way? I was hesitantly encouraged by the recent community fundraising round they ran...maybe they are trying to get off the growth treadmill after all?
This very much speaks to me! I'm a much happier person since I left tech and San Francisco. It's taken me awhile to realize it's not all tech's fault, either, that I was unhappy there. I was just in a place doing something I'm fundamentally not built to do. Which, also, was a tough realization: I'm smart, and privileged, and driven. I should be made for this, right?
You know what, though? I'm grateful for the beautiful people with an entrepreneurial spirit who have found themselves in and around tech over the past years. (Like yourself!) The flip side is SF attracts so many dreamers who really are artists, once you get beneath the surface, and I love that. I'm also equally grateful for Substack generally and a bit skeptical of Notes.
It's an interesting feeling to feel physically and somatically "home" somewhere, isn't it? Back here in DC in the fall, especially, I don't feel the need to escape. I wake up in the morning and my life is a mess and maybe I have a stomach ache but it's most definitely something I ate, because I find the leaves and the intellect of people I encounter to be beautiful. It's my own playground and I fundamentally have that feeling of being appreciated, of belonging.
I'm so glad you've found your place! I agree that, for all the hating I do on tech culture, there are certainly positive sides to it, one of which is people's sense of possibility and feeling of empowerment to make their ideas reality. The power of that is no joke. I just wish some of the ideas were less focused on growing revenues...but to your point, a lot of people here have those unprofitable ideas buried in them too.
I'm still on the fence about San Francisco as a fit for me, I have found a lot here to love and a lot to hate. Your description of DC definitely make me nostalgic for the east coast however!
1. I am a people-person, a talker-outer, a creative and grew up in a corporate America run by finance teams, the exact opposite of me. I whole-heartedly believe taking care of people takes care of business and that was a mismatch with "well this is what the projections on our excel spreadsheets" say. I also am very comfortable with a wide-range of emotions (my feelings have feelings), something that can turn people off as being too intense. I also saw your Note about "Notes" and have been feeling the same way. I came here to get away from social media and it feels like it followed me here.
2. My husband, while a deeply passionate person, is not an outwardly emotional person. He brings balance, strength and calm to our relationship but gives me space to be myself. It took me awhile to realize it but I know and trust he loves me very deeply just for being me. He also leaves me notes all over our house and office. I also have an incredible trio of best friends that love me in much the same way.
3. I really paid attention to this this morning in particular while racing around to get everyone and myself out the door and slip in a little yoga to boot. My heart and mind were racing and I managed to remind myself just to breathe. It helped. I think overall it helps and I feel more honored and more in tune with myself.
@Rae Katz, thank you again for another insightful piece. I really feel like you should know one of my aforementioned friends, @Melissa Cullens who just started writing https://onpurposeproject.substack.com and covers many similar themes. She also has a similar background in the world of start-ups.
I also find it funny when I'm stressing out about fitting in something like yoga or mediation. It doesn't happen quite as much these days, but I know I have had many times where my nervous system suffered way more than it benefitted from trying to "squeeze in meditation."
And thanks for introducing me to Melissa's work, looking forward to checking it out!
Wow Rae, you hit the nail squarely on the head for me yet again. I've struggled a lot with writing online for this very reason -- to thrive on many platforms, you have to constantly engage, and to constantly engage, you have to be willing to be constantly distracted. I often feel like the Grinch bemoaning the noise, oh the noise, noise, NOISE, NOISE! I spent three years building up nearly 12,000 followers on Medium but recently escaped to Substack, where I can hear myself think.
Regarding my day job, it took me so long to realize that the actual work is not nearly as important as the work culture. You have to like the work, of course, but I spent two decades pursuing important missions in work environments that neither valued nor facilitated my slowness, curiosity, and sensitivity. It was all about decisive decision-making and productivity. I'm now co-owner of a worker-owned co-op at which I can proudly proclaim, "I'm a processor. Can I sleep on this and resume the discussion tomorrow?"
Alas, my hometown of San Francisco used to be a beautiful place for slow, seeking, sensitive souls, as my hippie parents can attest. The tech industry has ruined it in more ways than one...
Ok I just saw your bio and I see that you run a worker-owner coop? Very cool and a topic I continually wish I knew more about (having run a venture-backed company and come away certain that this is definitely not the best way for most companies to be run). I casually follow the Zebra movement, but haven't met many real life coop owners!
I could talk your ear off about worker-owned co-ops! I worked at a nonprofit that supported entrepreneurs for four years and never heard one person utter a peep about the co-op model. All the buzz was about angel and venture funding. Sadly, there are only an estimated 600 worker-owned co-ops in the entire country, but I'm determined to grow that number. Once you empower every person who works at a company, no matter their level, to own a piece of it, it's hard to believe that any other model is the rule, not the exception.
Lots of nodding along on this one, thank you. The science is comforting.
2: if you want me present, rather than presenteeing, we’re meeting for morning coffee or lunch, not cocktails or dinner.
3. Its tricky, to start with I feel overwhelmed (because I’ve been doing too much, usually) but then if I stick with it I get to a place of ease, where I can do what I value (need/want) without grinding. Then I’m tempted to seize the day to do just a bit more...oops.
Many people try to fit into a culture that didn't align with their personality. Your observations will resonate with those who've grappled with the intricate dance between their innate characteristics and the expectations of the world around them. The relief for them comes from understanding that it's not your fault but rather a clash between your traits and the culture.
Yes yes, the understanding that the clash is not your fault is at the core of it. But even if you understand it intellectually, it's hard to really, fully feel it (I think).
Absolute swoon as always for your thoughtful, poignant and affirming writing, Rae. Thank you for this post. I saw your recent note about realising Notes was having the same impact and feeling as social media for you (I think I'm clumsily paraphrasing you back to yourself there, but I'm sure you know the one I mean!) and had that full-body twang of relief and recognition, so thank you for naming and sharing that sensation.
I'm still navigating how to be on Substack without falling into the disregulating patterns I experienced on other social media; one thing I have found helpful even though it's a roundabout process is saving posts I want to read to Pocket. I already do this with longform content from elsewhere online and find it so helpful as a way of separating and saving the things I want to engage with in an intentional way. It does mean I then need to come back to the website or app to comment, which is a faff, but one I like, because it slows that process down and gives me time to cogitate on if and how I respond and to check in with myself that I'm doing it honestly.
Since I became a therapist I've had to seriously level-up my game of bodily attunement to be able to separate clients' energy and my own. I'm grateful for it as a practice but it was a big wake-up call to realise and grapple with how habitually disembodied I'd been prior to taking on this role!
I can only imagine the skill it takes to avoid taking on clients' feelings as a therapist!
And I'm both glad and not glad that my words have resonated--I find it so overwhelmingly sad to think about how much sadness is caused by social media, even the best social media options (Notes, IMO). The popularity of that particular Note of mine was a bit tragic and I spent a couple days thinking like "what has this world come to when my Note about hating Notes is going viral on Notes."
I have never thought about work culture mismatch before. It is explaining a lot, including why certain aspects of my work feel easy and other pieces take a massive toll! I used to be able to use discipline, resilience, and belief in the mission to keep me steady in long stretches of that mismatch. Those things can’t quite overcome the mismatch these days, so I am trying to determine my next right thing. I have recently realized that my body appreciates a slow morning and carved out time to sit and stare a bit before entering the hectic hum of work - even if that means waking up very early. Either way, I also put post-it notes on the edges of my computer to remind me to lower my shoulders and step outside for moments of quiet - otherwise I get too locked in to notice the need.
Hi Rae, Great post! I'm a HSP and a high level empath. Being both, I have learned after over 2 decades being online to keep myself separated from "mismatched" communities online. I was a political blogger for about 15 years, when I had enough of that I started to separate myself from the ingrained habits of sharing and discussing news online. It was a long slow detox.
I am careful here on Substack not to follow political writers, save for a few that I have long standing online relationships with. I scroll past what I see that might trigger me. I stop myself from discussing stressful topics. I don't watch the news. I choose what I feel comfortable with reading here, and also on the two MSM newspapers that I subscribe to in order to at least stay informed on what is happening in the news.
I have found myself on the Notes app a little more lately, but that is because I am following more writers and have a growing list of subscribers. Substack like all social media is designed for the masses, and we have to self police ourselves from whatever might be toxic to us. That takes practice. I shut down my computer in the evening. I have absolutely no notifications turned on on my phone. I set boundaries with all communication and have done that for years actually. I never turn the ringer on on my phone unless I am expecting a call.
It's a practice and devotion to my own wellbeing. I am 66, have a bunch of health issues right now and surgery pending in early December to fix some women's health issues.
On the flip side I find myself inspired and more energized here on Substack than I have been in a very long time, so I have a healthy appreciation for the community I am building here.
You describe many of my same feelings so well. I also do a lot of the practices you are talking about (no WAY would I allow Substack push notifications!), and they really keep me sane. My recent slip-up happened accidentally, where, because of the new Subnstack app format, I suddenly was on Notes notably more, and feeling notably less good. While I can take that info and feed it back into my boundaries (by removing the Substack app from my phone--I don't need it), I still find it concerning that those forces are acting on everyone. I only recently would have had the self-awareness and mental space to set the boundaries I need, and that's a pretty big demand to make of all app users. Anyways, I don't have answers, just mulling it over.
I took some classes on technology and writing that included a lot of interesting essays, videos and books about the effects of the internet on people. It was all eye opening stuff. We have to police ourselves because this is now the world we live in. Check out this TED from Sherry Turkle. She also has some good books on the topic. https://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_connected_but_alone?language=en
2. People in my life not minding if I need to step away and rest, sometimes actually sleeping(I just got off ADHD meds due to new bad side effects and I need even more rest too). Not getting angry and accusing me of not doing enough for them, which makes me shut down even faster.
3. I definitely notice not forcing myself to rush and do things fast helps, and for most of my life I was doing that because of my severe anxiety of not being enough. Reading more experiences like on Substack as you mentioned makes me feel less alone and that rest is radical, that being slow disrupts this cruel system. I can do that just fine! My body prefers it!
I also have had to move away from rushing, and whenever I don't leave enough time for something I immediately get back into a state with a whipped up nervous system.
Tomorrow I'm publishing an interview with Russel Nohelty where he actually talks about this very topic! Thanks for bringing it up.
I've felt a mismatch with my work/corporate culture since the first day I entered the work force. I had been seriously burnt out and had suicidal thoughts when I had to work overnight shifts for 3 consecutive nights. The work till you drop culture was so bad to my well being. I'm an HSP and an Enneagram 4. Only when I got a remote editorial job during the pandemic did I start to feel more at ease. I could finally work in comfy clothes and bare feet, without the chatters and prying eyes of an office environment. I also could save energy from commuting and devote more time to contemplation, healing and self-care. So in a way, the pandemic gave me an option that wouldn't have been possible otherwise, and saved me from living under the poverty line.
Substack seems to be full of HSPs and empathetic people. Recently, though, I noticed a feeling of overwhelming scrolling through Notes, and a sense of FOMO as well as being tranparent/not seen and heard (similar to IRL). I felt a kind of sensory overload of "too much good stuff" and not having enough time to absorb it all. And as an HSP, I take everything in with high definition and intensity, so I can only read and participate so much.
I enjoyed your essay " All Things Considered" 100%. Every sentence seems to be speaking to and about me. I have a suspicion that you are also an Enneagram 4 like me. Ever heard of the Enneagram? For me, it explains so much about the core of who I am and provides a map for spiritual growth. Fascinating stuff.
Thanks for writing Louisa! It's interesting how the pandemic opened up some opportunities for other, more preferable types of living for some (even while it took so much away). I personally got a lot from a schedule where social plans were relatively rare and when they did happen they were mostly small groups of neighbors gathering together outside on the sidewalk.
I have done Enneagram a long time ago but can't even remember my type! It has come up a few times recently, so maybe it's time for me to do it again :)
Thanks for taking the time to reply, Rae. Much appreciated.
Yes, the pandemic has its own set of blessings, and I was secretly wishing that the slower pace of life and gentler approach to living would continue. But society decided that the hamster wheel should be restored, and everything should be back to "normal," which wasn't really normal in my view.
Ah, perhaps it is time to check out the Enneagram again. The Enneagram Institute has a very robust test. It's the one I'd recommend.
Great questions.
1) I love the Substack community, because I find a powerful current of support among writers who more or less struggle with a lot of the same things that being a writer carries. I'm well matched with family and friends now and have retired from work, which often made me unhappy.
3) I listen to my body and stress hits my gut, which now acts like a sort of idiot-savant therapist who is perfect at telling me "You're stressed; now go figure out why" You remind me that I have to be more conscious of my breathing.
HUGE caveat. This is me at 61. If I think about my thirties and forties and early fifties, I was a bundle of angst. I think the younger people I read on Substack, including you Rae, are so much more advanced in evolving toward wisdom than I was at your age.
Hah! The gut as an idiot-avant therapist. That's perfect.
I only hope the age that this wisdom occurs continues to go down, because even though I'm grateful to come to it in my mid-thirties, it would have been REALLY helpful to have that awareness beginning in my teens.
I can't believe you're only in your mid-thirties. Teenage wisdom is an oxymoron! Please trust me when i say your introspection and writing will pay off big time sooner than you think and decades sooner than it did for me.
I’m definitely in the highly sensitive category (but also hesitate to use the HSP “identity”). I recently started my Substack (after being just a reader for about a year) because I wanted something slower and quieter than Instagram. I have met so many wonderful people in Facebook groups created by sensitive souls, so I have hope that Substack might eventually be the same.
While I have other sensitive friends, I also have a special place in my heart for my “emotional support extrovert.” She keeps inviting me to stuff and doesn’t take it personally when I decline (because the number of attendees to her birthday got too high). Often we’ll meet up for lunch for her birthday - just the two of us for a real conversation- rather than me sitting at the end of a long table of 12-15 friends all chatting (and having a grand time but it’s too much for me). I love that her friendship definition is flexible enough to include me without trying to change me. I try to do the same for her. If I’ve got a “loud or busy” event to attend, she’s my go-to to be there and help me feel grounded (and manage some of the small talk). My husband does similarly but he’s kinda required to ;) my friend is purely a volunteer.
Thanks for the post and this discussion thread.
I love the description of your "emotional support extrovert" friend! I think it's so valuable to have friends of all types, and as you say, the main thing that makes it work is that she gets when you say "no" without taking offense or making it a big deal. So amazing for you to cultivate a relationship like that, which can be hard to do! Thanks for writing and for being here :)
I really appreciate this. And I too, find myself being drawn to the sensitive women corner of substack.
I am in a period of my life where I cannot work (due to visa reasons) but am still pursuing some of my passions. I have come to realize that if I fully listened to myself and took care of my health, I can't realistically work more than 40 hours a week. I also need to be the primary manager of myself in order to set up my workspace and workflow so it can accomodate my health issues. Thankfully, I have the finances to not work full time (and now live in a country where most people don't work over 40 hours anyway), but I still struggle with the fact that my mind's ambitions often don't match my body's reality.
I think for many of us who were very talented at school (or something else) when we are little, we get the message that we should not just work hard, but over-work ourselves, because we are wasting our gifts if we don't. I think one of the biggest things I had to realize is that one of my gifts is my ability to question the values of my culture and live by my own. Passing that permission on to others in an authentic way is more important to me than how much I produce, or how many hours on the clock I log. So I am rolling with that, but also still trying to figure this all out!
I enjoy your writing on these topics a lot.
"my mind's ambitions often don't match my body's reality" - man, such a good description. How many times have I been here, and how many of us are here all the time!
I also really like your point about "wasted gifts." I felt that very strongly when I worked in tech, where I felt like I had to prove that woman could do it just like men, to my detriment. But I also am finding that I much prefer to question the norms, like you, and I love your framing that this is a gift as well.
I know this too well! Although it was through an academic route not a corporate one for me. I also felt intense pressure to prove "women are capable" because I had some talent in math, which is a traditionally male dominated field. But I realized I was climbing a ladder that someone else made, just to prove that I could climb it, or that women in general could climb it, rather than question what the hell was at the top of the ladder in the first place.
I think there is something beautiful in reclaiming the feminine parts of ourselves which had to be suppressed in order to survive in these environments after we have burned out of them. I am much less interested in seeing a brilliant woman suppress herself and destroy her health and sanity to prove she is just as capable as men are, than seeing what gifts a brilliant woman who is also in touch with her softer qualities can really bring forth. ❤️
YES to reclaiming, instead of suppressing, our feminine energy ... the last five years have shown me I cannot, do not want to, and don’t have to suppress it but embrace it ✨💫
Beautifully put Christina! Wasting our gifts, oh yes. The mind’s ambitions and the body’s reality, oh yes.
As usual, everything about this resonates. As you know, I'm someone who doesn't fit into 9-5 work culture (or retail work culture, etc.) for ALL the reasons.
For a long time, the Internet was a great home for me actually because the asynchronous pace of it allowed me to create community in ways that were right for me. That shifted a lot in recent years when it seemed like everything was asking us to be online and present and responsive ALL the time. I'm navigating what is and isn't working for me on Substack and you make some great points.
I really really really wish that Substack (and all the apps/sites) would make the user experience much more customizable to what we each do and don't want to experience. I would like, for example, to be able to go to "activity" here on Substack and select to see only app mentions or only replies ... or whatever. I would like to be able to opt out of each chat and not see it again. I would like to be able to hit a button to archive everything that's currently in my inbox when I feel the need to start fresh. Those are just a few examples.
But all that said, I'm finding so many people here like yourself who feel like "my people" who "get it" and there's something special about that.
That's such a great point about customizability - that would allow people to really curate the experience that we want for ourselves. Cynically, I don't see it happening, because it allows people to engage less (which is what we're optimizing for but against Substack's or any app's interest if the app's goal is growth). But maybe Substack could go a different way? I was hesitantly encouraged by the recent community fundraising round they ran...maybe they are trying to get off the growth treadmill after all?
I really hope Substack or some similar community finds the value in offering this even though I have the same cynicism.
This very much speaks to me! I'm a much happier person since I left tech and San Francisco. It's taken me awhile to realize it's not all tech's fault, either, that I was unhappy there. I was just in a place doing something I'm fundamentally not built to do. Which, also, was a tough realization: I'm smart, and privileged, and driven. I should be made for this, right?
You know what, though? I'm grateful for the beautiful people with an entrepreneurial spirit who have found themselves in and around tech over the past years. (Like yourself!) The flip side is SF attracts so many dreamers who really are artists, once you get beneath the surface, and I love that. I'm also equally grateful for Substack generally and a bit skeptical of Notes.
It's an interesting feeling to feel physically and somatically "home" somewhere, isn't it? Back here in DC in the fall, especially, I don't feel the need to escape. I wake up in the morning and my life is a mess and maybe I have a stomach ache but it's most definitely something I ate, because I find the leaves and the intellect of people I encounter to be beautiful. It's my own playground and I fundamentally have that feeling of being appreciated, of belonging.
I'm so glad you've found your place! I agree that, for all the hating I do on tech culture, there are certainly positive sides to it, one of which is people's sense of possibility and feeling of empowerment to make their ideas reality. The power of that is no joke. I just wish some of the ideas were less focused on growing revenues...but to your point, a lot of people here have those unprofitable ideas buried in them too.
I'm still on the fence about San Francisco as a fit for me, I have found a lot here to love and a lot to hate. Your description of DC definitely make me nostalgic for the east coast however!
I will answer n°2- silence. I love when people know how to just respect my need for silence
Oh Rolando me tooooooo! And I'm married to a talker!
It must be hard to get silence Donna 😀
Haha, sometimes it is! He's a good guy though and is receptive to my need for quiet.
1. I am a people-person, a talker-outer, a creative and grew up in a corporate America run by finance teams, the exact opposite of me. I whole-heartedly believe taking care of people takes care of business and that was a mismatch with "well this is what the projections on our excel spreadsheets" say. I also am very comfortable with a wide-range of emotions (my feelings have feelings), something that can turn people off as being too intense. I also saw your Note about "Notes" and have been feeling the same way. I came here to get away from social media and it feels like it followed me here.
2. My husband, while a deeply passionate person, is not an outwardly emotional person. He brings balance, strength and calm to our relationship but gives me space to be myself. It took me awhile to realize it but I know and trust he loves me very deeply just for being me. He also leaves me notes all over our house and office. I also have an incredible trio of best friends that love me in much the same way.
3. I really paid attention to this this morning in particular while racing around to get everyone and myself out the door and slip in a little yoga to boot. My heart and mind were racing and I managed to remind myself just to breathe. It helped. I think overall it helps and I feel more honored and more in tune with myself.
@Rae Katz, thank you again for another insightful piece. I really feel like you should know one of my aforementioned friends, @Melissa Cullens who just started writing https://onpurposeproject.substack.com and covers many similar themes. She also has a similar background in the world of start-ups.
Lol "my feelings have feelings" -- love it.
I also find it funny when I'm stressing out about fitting in something like yoga or mediation. It doesn't happen quite as much these days, but I know I have had many times where my nervous system suffered way more than it benefitted from trying to "squeeze in meditation."
And thanks for introducing me to Melissa's work, looking forward to checking it out!
Wow Rae, you hit the nail squarely on the head for me yet again. I've struggled a lot with writing online for this very reason -- to thrive on many platforms, you have to constantly engage, and to constantly engage, you have to be willing to be constantly distracted. I often feel like the Grinch bemoaning the noise, oh the noise, noise, NOISE, NOISE! I spent three years building up nearly 12,000 followers on Medium but recently escaped to Substack, where I can hear myself think.
Regarding my day job, it took me so long to realize that the actual work is not nearly as important as the work culture. You have to like the work, of course, but I spent two decades pursuing important missions in work environments that neither valued nor facilitated my slowness, curiosity, and sensitivity. It was all about decisive decision-making and productivity. I'm now co-owner of a worker-owned co-op at which I can proudly proclaim, "I'm a processor. Can I sleep on this and resume the discussion tomorrow?"
Alas, my hometown of San Francisco used to be a beautiful place for slow, seeking, sensitive souls, as my hippie parents can attest. The tech industry has ruined it in more ways than one...
Amen to all of it.
Ok I just saw your bio and I see that you run a worker-owner coop? Very cool and a topic I continually wish I knew more about (having run a venture-backed company and come away certain that this is definitely not the best way for most companies to be run). I casually follow the Zebra movement, but haven't met many real life coop owners!
I could talk your ear off about worker-owned co-ops! I worked at a nonprofit that supported entrepreneurs for four years and never heard one person utter a peep about the co-op model. All the buzz was about angel and venture funding. Sadly, there are only an estimated 600 worker-owned co-ops in the entire country, but I'm determined to grow that number. Once you empower every person who works at a company, no matter their level, to own a piece of it, it's hard to believe that any other model is the rule, not the exception.
Anyway, I'll spare you more here, but I wrote a story about becoming a co-owner a while back if you're interested! https://medium.com/@keralataylor/i-just-became-a-co-owner-of-my-company-and-its-a-really-big-deal-6a3e8bccf9f6
Lots of nodding along on this one, thank you. The science is comforting.
2: if you want me present, rather than presenteeing, we’re meeting for morning coffee or lunch, not cocktails or dinner.
3. Its tricky, to start with I feel overwhelmed (because I’ve been doing too much, usually) but then if I stick with it I get to a place of ease, where I can do what I value (need/want) without grinding. Then I’m tempted to seize the day to do just a bit more...oops.
Yes, after sunset is a NO GO. And I am very familiar with hitting a great pace and then, because of how good I feel, then pushing too far. Sigh.
Many people try to fit into a culture that didn't align with their personality. Your observations will resonate with those who've grappled with the intricate dance between their innate characteristics and the expectations of the world around them. The relief for them comes from understanding that it's not your fault but rather a clash between your traits and the culture.
Yes yes, the understanding that the clash is not your fault is at the core of it. But even if you understand it intellectually, it's hard to really, fully feel it (I think).
Absolute swoon as always for your thoughtful, poignant and affirming writing, Rae. Thank you for this post. I saw your recent note about realising Notes was having the same impact and feeling as social media for you (I think I'm clumsily paraphrasing you back to yourself there, but I'm sure you know the one I mean!) and had that full-body twang of relief and recognition, so thank you for naming and sharing that sensation.
I'm still navigating how to be on Substack without falling into the disregulating patterns I experienced on other social media; one thing I have found helpful even though it's a roundabout process is saving posts I want to read to Pocket. I already do this with longform content from elsewhere online and find it so helpful as a way of separating and saving the things I want to engage with in an intentional way. It does mean I then need to come back to the website or app to comment, which is a faff, but one I like, because it slows that process down and gives me time to cogitate on if and how I respond and to check in with myself that I'm doing it honestly.
Since I became a therapist I've had to seriously level-up my game of bodily attunement to be able to separate clients' energy and my own. I'm grateful for it as a practice but it was a big wake-up call to realise and grapple with how habitually disembodied I'd been prior to taking on this role!
I can only imagine the skill it takes to avoid taking on clients' feelings as a therapist!
And I'm both glad and not glad that my words have resonated--I find it so overwhelmingly sad to think about how much sadness is caused by social media, even the best social media options (Notes, IMO). The popularity of that particular Note of mine was a bit tragic and I spent a couple days thinking like "what has this world come to when my Note about hating Notes is going viral on Notes."
I have never thought about work culture mismatch before. It is explaining a lot, including why certain aspects of my work feel easy and other pieces take a massive toll! I used to be able to use discipline, resilience, and belief in the mission to keep me steady in long stretches of that mismatch. Those things can’t quite overcome the mismatch these days, so I am trying to determine my next right thing. I have recently realized that my body appreciates a slow morning and carved out time to sit and stare a bit before entering the hectic hum of work - even if that means waking up very early. Either way, I also put post-it notes on the edges of my computer to remind me to lower my shoulders and step outside for moments of quiet - otherwise I get too locked in to notice the need.
Loved hearing all the things you are noticing about your personal style! And I'm glad the
"mismatch" idea resonated--it was so illuminating when I finally realized (and was willing to accept) how mismatched I was with my former world.
Hi Rae, Great post! I'm a HSP and a high level empath. Being both, I have learned after over 2 decades being online to keep myself separated from "mismatched" communities online. I was a political blogger for about 15 years, when I had enough of that I started to separate myself from the ingrained habits of sharing and discussing news online. It was a long slow detox.
I am careful here on Substack not to follow political writers, save for a few that I have long standing online relationships with. I scroll past what I see that might trigger me. I stop myself from discussing stressful topics. I don't watch the news. I choose what I feel comfortable with reading here, and also on the two MSM newspapers that I subscribe to in order to at least stay informed on what is happening in the news.
I have found myself on the Notes app a little more lately, but that is because I am following more writers and have a growing list of subscribers. Substack like all social media is designed for the masses, and we have to self police ourselves from whatever might be toxic to us. That takes practice. I shut down my computer in the evening. I have absolutely no notifications turned on on my phone. I set boundaries with all communication and have done that for years actually. I never turn the ringer on on my phone unless I am expecting a call.
It's a practice and devotion to my own wellbeing. I am 66, have a bunch of health issues right now and surgery pending in early December to fix some women's health issues.
On the flip side I find myself inspired and more energized here on Substack than I have been in a very long time, so I have a healthy appreciation for the community I am building here.
You describe many of my same feelings so well. I also do a lot of the practices you are talking about (no WAY would I allow Substack push notifications!), and they really keep me sane. My recent slip-up happened accidentally, where, because of the new Subnstack app format, I suddenly was on Notes notably more, and feeling notably less good. While I can take that info and feed it back into my boundaries (by removing the Substack app from my phone--I don't need it), I still find it concerning that those forces are acting on everyone. I only recently would have had the self-awareness and mental space to set the boundaries I need, and that's a pretty big demand to make of all app users. Anyways, I don't have answers, just mulling it over.
I took some classes on technology and writing that included a lot of interesting essays, videos and books about the effects of the internet on people. It was all eye opening stuff. We have to police ourselves because this is now the world we live in. Check out this TED from Sherry Turkle. She also has some good books on the topic. https://www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_connected_but_alone?language=en
That’s exactly how I feel here. Setting boundaries within yourself is so important to thriving in your environment when you’re empathic.
Yes, boundaries are important to empaths. Have you read any of Judith Orloff's books?
No I haven’t. I’ll keep them in mind.
This is great and I feel this all so much.
2. People in my life not minding if I need to step away and rest, sometimes actually sleeping(I just got off ADHD meds due to new bad side effects and I need even more rest too). Not getting angry and accusing me of not doing enough for them, which makes me shut down even faster.
3. I definitely notice not forcing myself to rush and do things fast helps, and for most of my life I was doing that because of my severe anxiety of not being enough. Reading more experiences like on Substack as you mentioned makes me feel less alone and that rest is radical, that being slow disrupts this cruel system. I can do that just fine! My body prefers it!
I also have had to move away from rushing, and whenever I don't leave enough time for something I immediately get back into a state with a whipped up nervous system.
Tomorrow I'm publishing an interview with Russel Nohelty where he actually talks about this very topic! Thanks for bringing it up.
Yes! Rushing amplifies the energy expenditure of everything.
3. I allways listen to my body, because i think our body reacts a lot to emotional states
I've felt a mismatch with my work/corporate culture since the first day I entered the work force. I had been seriously burnt out and had suicidal thoughts when I had to work overnight shifts for 3 consecutive nights. The work till you drop culture was so bad to my well being. I'm an HSP and an Enneagram 4. Only when I got a remote editorial job during the pandemic did I start to feel more at ease. I could finally work in comfy clothes and bare feet, without the chatters and prying eyes of an office environment. I also could save energy from commuting and devote more time to contemplation, healing and self-care. So in a way, the pandemic gave me an option that wouldn't have been possible otherwise, and saved me from living under the poverty line.
Substack seems to be full of HSPs and empathetic people. Recently, though, I noticed a feeling of overwhelming scrolling through Notes, and a sense of FOMO as well as being tranparent/not seen and heard (similar to IRL). I felt a kind of sensory overload of "too much good stuff" and not having enough time to absorb it all. And as an HSP, I take everything in with high definition and intensity, so I can only read and participate so much.
I enjoyed your essay " All Things Considered" 100%. Every sentence seems to be speaking to and about me. I have a suspicion that you are also an Enneagram 4 like me. Ever heard of the Enneagram? For me, it explains so much about the core of who I am and provides a map for spiritual growth. Fascinating stuff.
Thanks for writing Louisa! It's interesting how the pandemic opened up some opportunities for other, more preferable types of living for some (even while it took so much away). I personally got a lot from a schedule where social plans were relatively rare and when they did happen they were mostly small groups of neighbors gathering together outside on the sidewalk.
I have done Enneagram a long time ago but can't even remember my type! It has come up a few times recently, so maybe it's time for me to do it again :)
Thanks for taking the time to reply, Rae. Much appreciated.
Yes, the pandemic has its own set of blessings, and I was secretly wishing that the slower pace of life and gentler approach to living would continue. But society decided that the hamster wheel should be restored, and everything should be back to "normal," which wasn't really normal in my view.
Ah, perhaps it is time to check out the Enneagram again. The Enneagram Institute has a very robust test. It's the one I'd recommend.