I find myself at the other end of this. My kids are 15 and 13, both in school after a bout of homeschooling and now I have more of that life force for things beyond parenting. It feels like another big moment of who am I and what do I want to do with this energy?
It's something I'm hoping for and counting on, that reentry into my life force. I could imagine it also being somewhat disorienting and scary too, though!
I loved reading this. The identity shift was the hardest part of parenthood for me. I could handle the physical parts and the extra work but finding myself just not enjoying the things I enjoyed threw me off guard and it’s taken my kids to become 5 and 7 for me to start feeling a bit centered again. One of the shifts was going from being the “it’s only reading if you read from a book” girl to reading via Libby even if takes me a month or longer to finish a book. Another is binging on learning. When the fog of toddlerhood lifted and I wasn’t so worried about keeping my kids alive every minute I had an insatiable need to learn and have found much joy in it. I also quite enjoy drawing superheroes with my son with the help of YouTube videos!
And now to get back to knitting and dancing and writing, at some point
I love hearing the perspective from a few years hence! It makes sense that 5 and 7 were a turning point. I am also trying to accept audio books as a legitimate form of reading :)
thanks for sharing - i’ve been feeling so frustrated this week about not being able to work on my (pre baby) hobbies - so much so that i actually googled ‘how do you knit with a toddler??’ it feels impossible! but really hear what you are saying about life force and just not panicking too much!
How about hand knitting? I miss my pre baby knitting too and have not yet found a solution (aside from knitting granny squares and far too many hairbands I don’t wear)
hahaha that's an awesome Google search thanks for sharing. My solution was to take up crocheting because I heard it's faster than knitting? I finished a tiny infant bonnet just barely before she outgrew it, which felt like a huge achievement. But really the idea of trying to be efficient at crafting kind of defeats the whole purpose in my view...
I loved this shift in attitude you are describing and I wish I had done this when mothering so many decades ago when I tried to do everything at once. Now, iIn my mid 70s, after spending most of my life force writing and self-publishing for 16 years in my post retirement career, I have recently had to shift the bulk of my life force to taking care of my health, and this has not been an easy transition (and I hope will not be permanent.) How I have handled the transition is to say I am taking a temporary vacation from writing. So in your terms, I am currently directing more of my life force in doing the things that give me joy but also give me the time to do what I need for my health and well-being.
I so resonate with wanting to or having to put life force into taking care of personal health. I have spoken with a number of women about this in my Lady's Illness Library series, and it's really hard to navigate for everyone who suddenly has to put life force into taking care of health when it feels like we *should* do all these other things. I'm glad you are being intentional about where you put that life force, even if the shift wasn't by choice!
I’m child free by choice, but it’s amazing how much this parallels my experience with caring for my parents. To show up for them the way I really want to, I’ve had to let several things go, including one or two projects I had invested a ton of time into and wanted to continue. And similarly, I don’t feel like I’ve lost those things, as much as I’ve just *chosen* to focus a lot of my time & energy on caregiving because that’s what’s truly important for me right now.
I remember being SO annoyed before I had kids, when my mom would preface a story with, "You won't really understand this, because you're not a mother." The implication was that when I had kids, the change would be so dramatic that it would be like falling off a cliff from my former self.
My two kids are 6 and 3, so I think I have enough experience now to be able to confidently say that becoming a parent was not at all like falling off a cliff from myself. A lot has changed, of course. My life looks dramatically different than it did 7 years ago. But essentially, I still feel like myself.
How can that be, that things have changed dramatically but I still feel like myself? The way I make sense of it is to think of myself as an ongoing process, a particular way of metabolizing the world. The "inputs" into that metabolism are quite different than they used to be (less leisurely strolling; more meal planning and butt wiping). But I approach mothering with the same particular sense-making apparatus that I've been using my whole life.
Rachel! This is so beautiful and really resonates. What a joy to finally get a chance to read this email (I've been solo parenting this week so the inbox overfloweth) and discover that it was in conversation with my own thoughts. You are such a talented writer!
I simply had to share this article with a friend. She's expecting her first and we were standing outside a Ramen bar saying that nothing will change and we'll still be the same people once the baby comes. Then we paused and I said 'imagine if literally everything changes and you have no force to be anything else other than a mum and you will think back to this conversation and laugh and cry and message me there's poo everywhere and vomit on the walls'
Thank you so much for this! I love the description of life force and how that takes so much pressure off of us as parents to be who we were. Which when I write this, is a little silly, since who I was before, while the same essence, is forever changed due to becoming a mother — a change I feel so grateful for! I also love your new hobbies while your other favorite hobbies take a pause. Some hobbies I have been loving recently — listening to a really good podcast while driving around during a car nap, picking flowers with my two year old and discovering new names of plants and birds that I didn’t know the names of until she asked.
I resonate so deeply with your post here. I too have a .5 and 2.5 set of kiddos who are the core recipients of my life force. Other Creative efforts happen on the fringe of life, stolen in spurts. I know they lay dormant waiting for my return; I try not to fret about it too much, but it’s hard.
Thanks for suggesting breastfeeding as being a hobby, I’d never considered that.
Rachel, this was a unique and insightful read, thank you. It filled a hole of curiosity I’ve had about the parenting urge of 90% of my fellow human beans. That particular hole had been dark and devoid of reason for me, being as I fit in the 10% gay demographic of the population, a gang that doesn't generally breed.
I had a motley career in journalism wherein I met and wrote about all kinds of people: artists, ballerinas, politicians, rock stars, actors and divas, but never had I written a word about - much less thought seriously about - parents in their role as parents, nor any related Family Building social issues. That wasn't my niche.
I'm 70 now and retired - took early retirement at age 45. So I bring to this conversation mostly memories from my time as a boomer writer coming up in a world before Facebook, whatchamacallits “Instagram,” and “TikTok;” Gen X, Y or Z, Taylor Whatshername; Eminem, Nicki Minaj, etc. etc.
The most life force for Family Building I’d used up in my daily life had been to turn around and walk swiftly away when spotting children with parents ahead. “How can they STAND it?” I'd mumble to myself, picturing rattling toys and ceaseless crying and diapers. “They must be crazy.” So much weight to carry, physically and psychically. I couldn't imagine it!
But your incisive thoughts on attitude adjustments, as your little ones come along, must feel very rewarding...you learn something new and profound about being human every day. So much to learn, probably to your last breath!
Scribbling for a living, like I did, can be a daily education too, but that kind of learning in the final analysis boils down to just column inches, you know? Nothing is real. Reportage is a product in the commercial world.
But, on the other hand, someone Anonymous wrote: “Ninety percent of parenting is thinking about when you can lie down again.” That scares me! I'm an afternoon napper and have been my whole life. Even when working as a salaried news reporter, I always organized one hour in the middle of my workday to take a soothing nap. Just skipping my nap would be one bridge too far, thank you.
It's good that you are finding your version of my nap time to refresh your body and soul and be (m)otherly productive. Enter: Substack.
I find myself at the other end of this. My kids are 15 and 13, both in school after a bout of homeschooling and now I have more of that life force for things beyond parenting. It feels like another big moment of who am I and what do I want to do with this energy?
It's something I'm hoping for and counting on, that reentry into my life force. I could imagine it also being somewhat disorienting and scary too, though!
Also, that's a long time from now for me, ah!
I loved reading this. The identity shift was the hardest part of parenthood for me. I could handle the physical parts and the extra work but finding myself just not enjoying the things I enjoyed threw me off guard and it’s taken my kids to become 5 and 7 for me to start feeling a bit centered again. One of the shifts was going from being the “it’s only reading if you read from a book” girl to reading via Libby even if takes me a month or longer to finish a book. Another is binging on learning. When the fog of toddlerhood lifted and I wasn’t so worried about keeping my kids alive every minute I had an insatiable need to learn and have found much joy in it. I also quite enjoy drawing superheroes with my son with the help of YouTube videos!
And now to get back to knitting and dancing and writing, at some point
I love hearing the perspective from a few years hence! It makes sense that 5 and 7 were a turning point. I am also trying to accept audio books as a legitimate form of reading :)
thanks for sharing - i’ve been feeling so frustrated this week about not being able to work on my (pre baby) hobbies - so much so that i actually googled ‘how do you knit with a toddler??’ it feels impossible! but really hear what you are saying about life force and just not panicking too much!
How about hand knitting? I miss my pre baby knitting too and have not yet found a solution (aside from knitting granny squares and far too many hairbands I don’t wear)
Ok knitting hairbands is a GREAT idea because it can probably be done in, what, 15, 20 mins?
Still though....efficient crafting...something about it feels wrong. Crafting should be long and slow, right?
will investigate!
hahaha that's an awesome Google search thanks for sharing. My solution was to take up crocheting because I heard it's faster than knitting? I finished a tiny infant bonnet just barely before she outgrew it, which felt like a huge achievement. But really the idea of trying to be efficient at crafting kind of defeats the whole purpose in my view...
I loved this shift in attitude you are describing and I wish I had done this when mothering so many decades ago when I tried to do everything at once. Now, iIn my mid 70s, after spending most of my life force writing and self-publishing for 16 years in my post retirement career, I have recently had to shift the bulk of my life force to taking care of my health, and this has not been an easy transition (and I hope will not be permanent.) How I have handled the transition is to say I am taking a temporary vacation from writing. So in your terms, I am currently directing more of my life force in doing the things that give me joy but also give me the time to do what I need for my health and well-being.
I so resonate with wanting to or having to put life force into taking care of personal health. I have spoken with a number of women about this in my Lady's Illness Library series, and it's really hard to navigate for everyone who suddenly has to put life force into taking care of health when it feels like we *should* do all these other things. I'm glad you are being intentional about where you put that life force, even if the shift wasn't by choice!
Thanks.
I’m child free by choice, but it’s amazing how much this parallels my experience with caring for my parents. To show up for them the way I really want to, I’ve had to let several things go, including one or two projects I had invested a ton of time into and wanted to continue. And similarly, I don’t feel like I’ve lost those things, as much as I’ve just *chosen* to focus a lot of my time & energy on caregiving because that’s what’s truly important for me right now.
I remember being SO annoyed before I had kids, when my mom would preface a story with, "You won't really understand this, because you're not a mother." The implication was that when I had kids, the change would be so dramatic that it would be like falling off a cliff from my former self.
My two kids are 6 and 3, so I think I have enough experience now to be able to confidently say that becoming a parent was not at all like falling off a cliff from myself. A lot has changed, of course. My life looks dramatically different than it did 7 years ago. But essentially, I still feel like myself.
How can that be, that things have changed dramatically but I still feel like myself? The way I make sense of it is to think of myself as an ongoing process, a particular way of metabolizing the world. The "inputs" into that metabolism are quite different than they used to be (less leisurely strolling; more meal planning and butt wiping). But I approach mothering with the same particular sense-making apparatus that I've been using my whole life.
1. great to hear from you :)
2. I love the way you talk about the inputs of metabolism changing, but the way you metabolize being the same. That really resonates!
Also hoping that your butt-wiping days are numbered at this point! Mine still stretch far, far into the future....
Rachel! This is so beautiful and really resonates. What a joy to finally get a chance to read this email (I've been solo parenting this week so the inbox overfloweth) and discover that it was in conversation with my own thoughts. You are such a talented writer!
I simply had to share this article with a friend. She's expecting her first and we were standing outside a Ramen bar saying that nothing will change and we'll still be the same people once the baby comes. Then we paused and I said 'imagine if literally everything changes and you have no force to be anything else other than a mum and you will think back to this conversation and laugh and cry and message me there's poo everywhere and vomit on the walls'
Thank you so much for this! I love the description of life force and how that takes so much pressure off of us as parents to be who we were. Which when I write this, is a little silly, since who I was before, while the same essence, is forever changed due to becoming a mother — a change I feel so grateful for! I also love your new hobbies while your other favorite hobbies take a pause. Some hobbies I have been loving recently — listening to a really good podcast while driving around during a car nap, picking flowers with my two year old and discovering new names of plants and birds that I didn’t know the names of until she asked.
I resonate so deeply with your post here. I too have a .5 and 2.5 set of kiddos who are the core recipients of my life force. Other Creative efforts happen on the fringe of life, stolen in spurts. I know they lay dormant waiting for my return; I try not to fret about it too much, but it’s hard.
Thanks for suggesting breastfeeding as being a hobby, I’d never considered that.
Rachel, this was a unique and insightful read, thank you. It filled a hole of curiosity I’ve had about the parenting urge of 90% of my fellow human beans. That particular hole had been dark and devoid of reason for me, being as I fit in the 10% gay demographic of the population, a gang that doesn't generally breed.
I had a motley career in journalism wherein I met and wrote about all kinds of people: artists, ballerinas, politicians, rock stars, actors and divas, but never had I written a word about - much less thought seriously about - parents in their role as parents, nor any related Family Building social issues. That wasn't my niche.
I'm 70 now and retired - took early retirement at age 45. So I bring to this conversation mostly memories from my time as a boomer writer coming up in a world before Facebook, whatchamacallits “Instagram,” and “TikTok;” Gen X, Y or Z, Taylor Whatshername; Eminem, Nicki Minaj, etc. etc.
The most life force for Family Building I’d used up in my daily life had been to turn around and walk swiftly away when spotting children with parents ahead. “How can they STAND it?” I'd mumble to myself, picturing rattling toys and ceaseless crying and diapers. “They must be crazy.” So much weight to carry, physically and psychically. I couldn't imagine it!
But your incisive thoughts on attitude adjustments, as your little ones come along, must feel very rewarding...you learn something new and profound about being human every day. So much to learn, probably to your last breath!
Scribbling for a living, like I did, can be a daily education too, but that kind of learning in the final analysis boils down to just column inches, you know? Nothing is real. Reportage is a product in the commercial world.
But, on the other hand, someone Anonymous wrote: “Ninety percent of parenting is thinking about when you can lie down again.” That scares me! I'm an afternoon napper and have been my whole life. Even when working as a salaried news reporter, I always organized one hour in the middle of my workday to take a soothing nap. Just skipping my nap would be one bridge too far, thank you.
It's good that you are finding your version of my nap time to refresh your body and soul and be (m)otherly productive. Enter: Substack.
Good talk, Mom. Now it's time for my nap.
Peace. And. Love.