You certainly can't have it all all at once. But you can, over the span of your life, have an impactful career, spend loads of time with your family, and develop meaningful friendships. The counter to thinking of your time as finite is thinking of your life as long. Your days are short, and you can really only accomplish so much in a day. But if you consider you're allotted about sixty years of adult life, there's a lot you could have in that time. And: your identity doesn't have to be static. The most interesting characters are dynamic--they change. Give yourself the space to change, and change again--don't worry that "mother" has taken too strong a hold right now, because no matter what you will not always have two children under the age of three. Enjoy each day as the beautiful blip it is in the layering and multitude of all your days. 😊
I love this alternate thinking! Yes, I generally think that balancing over a lifetime makes WAY more sense than balancing over a day, week, month, or even a year. Somehow my brain has a hard time registering this in the moment, though.
My wedding planner told me, “You can have anything you want. You can’t have everything you want” and this is advice I have carried with me ever since. I only have one kid, and he is now 6, and this has been the most wonderful season of balance for me so far. He goes to full day camp or school, disappears into his room with friends or legos for hours at a time, just needs less hands on care and supervision than he did, and this independence gives my schedule the breathing room it needs for me to find my ambition again. When he was younger, the ages your kids are, I felt more like you do now and worried it would last forever. I’m currently working independently as a coach/consultant 10-25 hours a week, and spending the rest of my time investing in my relationships, painting, and generally living at the slower pace that works best for me and my family. There is a whole raft of luck and privilege that makes this possible, but also some significant lifestyle trade offs we’ve made. Because what I’ve learned is that having a slow and rich texture to my days, for me, makes me happier than any other form of achievement or success ever did. Maybe that will change? But the longer I live this way, the more I suspect it won’t.
It's sooo valuable to hear from parents at a different stage, because it does often feel like this stage will last forever, but it's actually quite short. I love the idea of "a rich texture to my days." Sounds ideal!
I could have written this comment, my kids are 6 and 8.5. These are magical years, I feel so much joy when I am with them but they also are so self-sufficient (compared to the under 3s for sure!!) I loved this whole essay and agree with so much of it.
Amazing. Amazing to hear that there's this light in the not-so-far future. I'm sure I'll miss these days, but I expect it's kind of the way you miss being on a really difficult backpacking trip where you ran out of food and it was freezing rain but you bonded with the other people and got through it, and the memory is incredible :D
Honestly I was nodding along at your wonderful summer plan and then when you said your kids were under 3 I thought, ohhh that’s a LOT. I would have struggled in all the same ways if I had done a long extended time with my kids at those ages. There is a lot of light in this tunnel, it gets easier every 6-12 mos from here on out!
Thank god! So glad to hear! My son is 3.5 and I'd say things started to very gradually get better when he was 2.5, and now, a year on, it's better still BUT still very intense as when I'm looking after him he needs constant attention. If I'm doing something and it goes quiet, I can guarantee I will find him destroying something/an overflowing sink/doing something dangerous... So glad to hear from people further along the path; most mums I know are in the same boat as me so it's hard to visualise what life could be like in a few years!
This is the life I want! And thank you for sharing this - I have a 3.5 year old and we've decided not to have anymore. Looking after him is still incredibly intense - he hardly plays independently at all - so it's so good to hear that in the not-too-distant future it will change. It can feel like forever when its this exhausting and intense. And exactly like you - me and my husband have decided to prioritise a slower life with less pressure to earn so we can work less hours, and of course there are trade-offs to that, but that's how I want to spend my precious time on earth.
I wish I could heart this piece a 1000 times. Validating and supportive like when a true best friend levels with you and gives you a dose of tough love. I so appreciate the structure of how you wrote it— presenting the stark duality followed by a summation was digestible for a reader like me.
ooo Rachel, this is so good. It totally resonates with me, and here I am at the opposite end of life, at 72 with middle-aged children and six grandchildren. My initial impulse, as I read, was to say, "this phase shall pass so quickly (it does!), so it's okay to be totally with your babies." But as you continued, I realized you were carefully laying out a more subtle truth about (never) being able to "have it all" and why it's essential to understand that at the molecular level and why it's hard to do. I'm familiar with Oliver Burkeman and his book (I interviewed him for my podcast). Thanks for summing up the important points he makes. Keep splashing in that pool...
I'm so glad you used the word "subtle truth," that's the highest compliment for me! Nothing is simple, right? Very cool that you got to speak with Burkeman!
All of this resonates with me soo much. The two stories of being at home with littlest is such a beautiful and helpful way to frame this life (the one where I’ve recently quit my job to stay at home with a 4 and 2 year old). There are constantly two stories for me too, and I’m always confused about which one to engage with/focus on
It's soooo confusing for me. Every day is a different story. I'm not so good at zooming out in the moment, I'm like AH THIS IS HORRIBLE or AH THIS IS AMAZING and I think that's the final answer forever. So writing helped me balance the perspective. I'm glad it resonated for you!
I’ve been struggling with balance my whole life. “Enjoy life to the fullest” one year, “Savor every moment as if it was your last” the next. I’ve not found a truly satisfying middle ground, but I’ve managed to discover what I want and need. That makes it easier to recalibrate often, to get closer to the center, to focus on family, to look for days of rest or remind myself to say no, to get out of my comfort zone and do the fun things, to make space for work and creativity and collaboration, and to spend time alone and reflect.
As a token man in this conversation, I can say I wanted it all, too, but I took all I could get. I would trade an “important guy” career for a “Mr Mom” in a heartbeat, if I had a repeat.
"As someone who has had a strong work identity my whole life, I’m suddenly wondering who I am now."
Yes, that resonates so much. After I left academia four years ago, I built up a work identity around life coaching. And then that crashed down around me. And that time showed me I don't even need a work identity. It's okay.
This seems like something soooo many of my peer are going through, but especially the women. I just wonder if there is another way to approach the whole thing rather than this rising and "crashing" as you so accurately put it.
Because you asked, I'm glad to pile on with what's working for me and many others. I stopped giving advice in my "McKinsey Consulting phase" and find that wisdom is the coin of the realm, lately. I am 2X your age so if white hair and neck wrinkles mean anything, here's two thoughts, just for you. Today. First, the WHO are you question is the most important one and my May 19, 2024 Substack, Who Are You? covers that base. https://georgiapatrick.substack.com/p/who-are-you?r=qw0b Second, I am not the person or owner of multiple businesses that I was in 2023. It's called Lifequake and Bruce Feiler's book Life Is In The Transitions (2020) turned out to be the best source of sanity and guidance through my Lifequake--a life totally leveled and what I needed to step through, day by day by day, until reaching the destination that is the True Nature of Me.
Bruce came up with the term when writing his book. He writes well and you'd think a whole book on the many kinds of transitions you absolutely will experience might be dry. It's great to learn about the layers and levels of transitions. Just knowing you will go through 36 or more transitions and 3 or more life quakes.... and what comes next, that really helps. You've been through many of those transitions and might appreciate Bruce's clarity around what you are experiencing and what your options are.
Sources of self-esteem and priorities shift as you enter different life stages. Now for me, my priority must be a large family of which I am the de facto patriarch. Wife of 39 years, three adult children, two in-laws and one grandchildren with another due shortly. A father and two brothers. All of them in New York.
Congratulations, David. Honestly that sounds like a dream to me. As an only child I have always dreamed of a large family (and I know many from large families dream the opposite!). But anyways, congratulations on your upcoming grandbaby! How fun!
Totally! My husband only has one sibling but his parents were very big on integrating both sides of the family (his mom's and dad's extended families). So they have these massive vacation weeks with like 25 people. I love it!
Even as a childless person, I really feel this… I’ve been pushing hard lately, despite life giving me all the tell signs that I need to slow down. Breaking the habits that my identity is built on (work/ self-reliance etc) continues to be a huge challenge. Thanks for this piece 🫶
As someone staring down the start of a new decade where I will possibly make the decision to have children (or not), it’s so reassuring to read your candid and honest reflection. Someone said to me recently “life feels short but it is the longest thing you’ll ever know” and I’ve been returning to it when I’ve felt conflicted between how to spend my time in a particular moment, or even thinking about bigger life choices. I think cultivating presence and choosing to spend the time we have “deeply”, whatever it is we’re doing, is the best thing we can do. Then, all we can hope is that the sequence of many deeply lived days will amount to a complete life.
I relate to EVERYTHING you say here Rachel! I have struggled so much with setting aside that part of my identity that felt so valued. I have felt so unseen and undervalued in motherhood and yet it is far and away the hardest, most intense and the most valuable work I've ever done. My son is 3.5 - it's good to read comments from other mums here who say things get better soon!
Also I so relate to the whole rushing around, multi-tasking thing. When I've been super 'productive' in the few hours of childcare I have, I finish that time feeling tense and stressed and pretty shit. When I go more slowly and go for a walk in nature, and slowly enjoy my coffee, all these wonderful things that I appreciate SO much more since becoming a mum - I feel more relaxed, happy, loving BUT my inner critic attacks me viciously telling me lazy and indulgent I've been. And that's hard to be with. So either way, I feel like there is some suffering.
Thank you for reminding me of Oliver's book too, I need to read that. 'Do less better' is BRILLIANT advice!x
You certainly can't have it all all at once. But you can, over the span of your life, have an impactful career, spend loads of time with your family, and develop meaningful friendships. The counter to thinking of your time as finite is thinking of your life as long. Your days are short, and you can really only accomplish so much in a day. But if you consider you're allotted about sixty years of adult life, there's a lot you could have in that time. And: your identity doesn't have to be static. The most interesting characters are dynamic--they change. Give yourself the space to change, and change again--don't worry that "mother" has taken too strong a hold right now, because no matter what you will not always have two children under the age of three. Enjoy each day as the beautiful blip it is in the layering and multitude of all your days. 😊
I love this alternate thinking! Yes, I generally think that balancing over a lifetime makes WAY more sense than balancing over a day, week, month, or even a year. Somehow my brain has a hard time registering this in the moment, though.
This is really well said!
My wedding planner told me, “You can have anything you want. You can’t have everything you want” and this is advice I have carried with me ever since. I only have one kid, and he is now 6, and this has been the most wonderful season of balance for me so far. He goes to full day camp or school, disappears into his room with friends or legos for hours at a time, just needs less hands on care and supervision than he did, and this independence gives my schedule the breathing room it needs for me to find my ambition again. When he was younger, the ages your kids are, I felt more like you do now and worried it would last forever. I’m currently working independently as a coach/consultant 10-25 hours a week, and spending the rest of my time investing in my relationships, painting, and generally living at the slower pace that works best for me and my family. There is a whole raft of luck and privilege that makes this possible, but also some significant lifestyle trade offs we’ve made. Because what I’ve learned is that having a slow and rich texture to my days, for me, makes me happier than any other form of achievement or success ever did. Maybe that will change? But the longer I live this way, the more I suspect it won’t.
It's sooo valuable to hear from parents at a different stage, because it does often feel like this stage will last forever, but it's actually quite short. I love the idea of "a rich texture to my days." Sounds ideal!
I could have written this comment, my kids are 6 and 8.5. These are magical years, I feel so much joy when I am with them but they also are so self-sufficient (compared to the under 3s for sure!!) I loved this whole essay and agree with so much of it.
Amazing. Amazing to hear that there's this light in the not-so-far future. I'm sure I'll miss these days, but I expect it's kind of the way you miss being on a really difficult backpacking trip where you ran out of food and it was freezing rain but you bonded with the other people and got through it, and the memory is incredible :D
Honestly I was nodding along at your wonderful summer plan and then when you said your kids were under 3 I thought, ohhh that’s a LOT. I would have struggled in all the same ways if I had done a long extended time with my kids at those ages. There is a lot of light in this tunnel, it gets easier every 6-12 mos from here on out!
And yes, I am a backpacker and this is so accurate!!!
Thank god! So glad to hear! My son is 3.5 and I'd say things started to very gradually get better when he was 2.5, and now, a year on, it's better still BUT still very intense as when I'm looking after him he needs constant attention. If I'm doing something and it goes quiet, I can guarantee I will find him destroying something/an overflowing sink/doing something dangerous... So glad to hear from people further along the path; most mums I know are in the same boat as me so it's hard to visualise what life could be like in a few years!
Ha ha! Yes! That is a great analogy
This is the life I want! And thank you for sharing this - I have a 3.5 year old and we've decided not to have anymore. Looking after him is still incredibly intense - he hardly plays independently at all - so it's so good to hear that in the not-too-distant future it will change. It can feel like forever when its this exhausting and intense. And exactly like you - me and my husband have decided to prioritise a slower life with less pressure to earn so we can work less hours, and of course there are trade-offs to that, but that's how I want to spend my precious time on earth.
I wish I could heart this piece a 1000 times. Validating and supportive like when a true best friend levels with you and gives you a dose of tough love. I so appreciate the structure of how you wrote it— presenting the stark duality followed by a summation was digestible for a reader like me.
Thank you so much Samantha, this makes my day! <3
ooo Rachel, this is so good. It totally resonates with me, and here I am at the opposite end of life, at 72 with middle-aged children and six grandchildren. My initial impulse, as I read, was to say, "this phase shall pass so quickly (it does!), so it's okay to be totally with your babies." But as you continued, I realized you were carefully laying out a more subtle truth about (never) being able to "have it all" and why it's essential to understand that at the molecular level and why it's hard to do. I'm familiar with Oliver Burkeman and his book (I interviewed him for my podcast). Thanks for summing up the important points he makes. Keep splashing in that pool...
I'm so glad you used the word "subtle truth," that's the highest compliment for me! Nothing is simple, right? Very cool that you got to speak with Burkeman!
Sounds like you’re working really hard to see things differently. Brava. 👏🏻
I am reading this book now! As I’m one month into sabbatical my biggest take away is that “slow” is much slower than I thought it would be.
Right? Slow sounds so easy and then you get there and you're like, WHOA this is TOUGH. Or at least for me :)
This was beautifully written and thought provoking. Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you, Shif!
All of this resonates with me soo much. The two stories of being at home with littlest is such a beautiful and helpful way to frame this life (the one where I’ve recently quit my job to stay at home with a 4 and 2 year old). There are constantly two stories for me too, and I’m always confused about which one to engage with/focus on
It's soooo confusing for me. Every day is a different story. I'm not so good at zooming out in the moment, I'm like AH THIS IS HORRIBLE or AH THIS IS AMAZING and I think that's the final answer forever. So writing helped me balance the perspective. I'm glad it resonated for you!
I’ve been struggling with balance my whole life. “Enjoy life to the fullest” one year, “Savor every moment as if it was your last” the next. I’ve not found a truly satisfying middle ground, but I’ve managed to discover what I want and need. That makes it easier to recalibrate often, to get closer to the center, to focus on family, to look for days of rest or remind myself to say no, to get out of my comfort zone and do the fun things, to make space for work and creativity and collaboration, and to spend time alone and reflect.
I think "recalibrate often" is key! And just remembering that that's the norm not the exception.
I relate so so very much. Thank you!
I love your work, Lisa, I'm so glad this resonated!
As a token man in this conversation, I can say I wanted it all, too, but I took all I could get. I would trade an “important guy” career for a “Mr Mom” in a heartbeat, if I had a repeat.
Interesting. Do you have time for that now? Thanks for being the bold male commenter :)
Yup. I’m officially old and am available 24/7 for advice, assistance, and companionship. Being dad never ends and I’m happy about that.
Amazing :)
Love. That’s what’s amazing.
"As someone who has had a strong work identity my whole life, I’m suddenly wondering who I am now."
Yes, that resonates so much. After I left academia four years ago, I built up a work identity around life coaching. And then that crashed down around me. And that time showed me I don't even need a work identity. It's okay.
This seems like something soooo many of my peer are going through, but especially the women. I just wonder if there is another way to approach the whole thing rather than this rising and "crashing" as you so accurately put it.
Because you asked, I'm glad to pile on with what's working for me and many others. I stopped giving advice in my "McKinsey Consulting phase" and find that wisdom is the coin of the realm, lately. I am 2X your age so if white hair and neck wrinkles mean anything, here's two thoughts, just for you. Today. First, the WHO are you question is the most important one and my May 19, 2024 Substack, Who Are You? covers that base. https://georgiapatrick.substack.com/p/who-are-you?r=qw0b Second, I am not the person or owner of multiple businesses that I was in 2023. It's called Lifequake and Bruce Feiler's book Life Is In The Transitions (2020) turned out to be the best source of sanity and guidance through my Lifequake--a life totally leveled and what I needed to step through, day by day by day, until reaching the destination that is the True Nature of Me.
I love the "lifequake" term--it so perfectly captures what it is. Thanks for sharing these resources!
Bruce came up with the term when writing his book. He writes well and you'd think a whole book on the many kinds of transitions you absolutely will experience might be dry. It's great to learn about the layers and levels of transitions. Just knowing you will go through 36 or more transitions and 3 or more life quakes.... and what comes next, that really helps. You've been through many of those transitions and might appreciate Bruce's clarity around what you are experiencing and what your options are.
Sources of self-esteem and priorities shift as you enter different life stages. Now for me, my priority must be a large family of which I am the de facto patriarch. Wife of 39 years, three adult children, two in-laws and one grandchildren with another due shortly. A father and two brothers. All of them in New York.
Congratulations, David. Honestly that sounds like a dream to me. As an only child I have always dreamed of a large family (and I know many from large families dream the opposite!). But anyways, congratulations on your upcoming grandbaby! How fun!
From two or three kids, big families can sprout when you include potential in-law families and eventually the next generation.
Totally! My husband only has one sibling but his parents were very big on integrating both sides of the family (his mom's and dad's extended families). So they have these massive vacation weeks with like 25 people. I love it!
Even as a childless person, I really feel this… I’ve been pushing hard lately, despite life giving me all the tell signs that I need to slow down. Breaking the habits that my identity is built on (work/ self-reliance etc) continues to be a huge challenge. Thanks for this piece 🫶
I think children or no children this is a very common transition. I hope you can find a way to slow enough to stay healthy!
As someone staring down the start of a new decade where I will possibly make the decision to have children (or not), it’s so reassuring to read your candid and honest reflection. Someone said to me recently “life feels short but it is the longest thing you’ll ever know” and I’ve been returning to it when I’ve felt conflicted between how to spend my time in a particular moment, or even thinking about bigger life choices. I think cultivating presence and choosing to spend the time we have “deeply”, whatever it is we’re doing, is the best thing we can do. Then, all we can hope is that the sequence of many deeply lived days will amount to a complete life.
Wow. That line. Thank you for sharing that with us. 😮💨
I relate to EVERYTHING you say here Rachel! I have struggled so much with setting aside that part of my identity that felt so valued. I have felt so unseen and undervalued in motherhood and yet it is far and away the hardest, most intense and the most valuable work I've ever done. My son is 3.5 - it's good to read comments from other mums here who say things get better soon!
Also I so relate to the whole rushing around, multi-tasking thing. When I've been super 'productive' in the few hours of childcare I have, I finish that time feeling tense and stressed and pretty shit. When I go more slowly and go for a walk in nature, and slowly enjoy my coffee, all these wonderful things that I appreciate SO much more since becoming a mum - I feel more relaxed, happy, loving BUT my inner critic attacks me viciously telling me lazy and indulgent I've been. And that's hard to be with. So either way, I feel like there is some suffering.
Thank you for reminding me of Oliver's book too, I need to read that. 'Do less better' is BRILLIANT advice!x