Sometimes I can take a nap with my husband. But mostly, I nap by myself or lie down and close my eyes. I fall asleep often in a big armchair, but resist it because a nap in it for longer than 10 minutes is disaster for my back.
I believe in naps. Naps and a cat saved my life.
When we moved to the house we live in now, I was seriously depressed. Tired all the time although only working part-time. I had also sprained my ankle, badly and had to shlep my son to school every day. It was the equivalent of 3 blocks from my house, but limping with my son next to me, and chatting with a neighbor and her kids were all I seemed able to do.
I would get home, get back into bed and my cat would come and purr on my chest. That was how I spent the the first couple of months living in our "new" house.
If it hadn't been for my cat and child, I might have died, I think. I finally got to the doctor. She prescribed an anti depressant and gave me the name of a therapist, and I gradually got better.
So when I get tired and confused and my brain won't take another step, that's what I do now. I go lie down. Sometimes a cat will will lie down next to me or at my feet -- these cats are not like my old, cuddling cat (he passed in 2016). But I just lie down and remind myself of the healing that sleep and rest can do. Who am I hurting if I don't rest? Myself and by extension, those with whom I have a relationship that involves caring. Who am I hurting if I do rest? No one. It's a quiet win.
I love this: "Who am I hurting if I don't rest? Myself and by extension, those with whom I have a relationship that involves caring. Who am I hurting if I do rest? No one. It's a quiet win."
Also, yes to cats/pets. I got a dog for the first time a couple years ago and I finally get it. Didn't understand what all the fuss was about. Now that cuddlemuffin has gotten me through a lot.
“when I get tired and confused and my brain won't take another step, that's what I do now. I go lie down” i’m learning that life is even better if I can identify an earlier warning sign. My brain thanks me when I manage it. Being irritated by *everything* is, for me, the next ring out. Being disinclined to do stuff is an early warning - that comes with a lot of inner critic thanks to our culture-installed fears that we’re lazy...we’re really not because we get up & get doing the moment we have a scrap of capacity.
Easier on everyone, when we manage it. Pushing is the cause of unnecessary suffering, and can even lead to permanent injury, but its such a part of our culture.
A friend recently told me she thinks a cat should be prescribed the minute anyone gets a chronic energy limiting illness. My two are cuddling me as I type.
For me what works is having a very regular resting schedule. I try to get a good nights sleep and at least an hour of rest every weekday. I don’t any work chores or errands on Saturdays. And I take a week off of everything every three months.
Because I get so much regular rest I never crash and burn out.
For me resting = walking, reading on the couch, day dreaming and hanging out with fun people I really love.
It’s a very nice way to live!
It took me a few years of trial and error to figure out what works for me. And I imagine I’ll need to keep tweaking as my life changes.
So lovely to hear of your cultivated rhythm, Anne. I have so much admiration and appreciation for people who choose restfulness, especially when a rest-limited/rest-less life seems to be frequently glorified.
Oh, mini-healingpaloozas sound wonderful! Just reading about your beautiful retreat has me inspired to create something small and intimate within our own home this summer, bringing people in simply to ground into the blissful doing of nothing.
The idea of rest being interconnected with the presence of community is a fascinating one to me. I think you're SO right about it being more nourishing than simply resting alone, and your description of it feeling "boundless and unconstrained and slow and useless and surprising and downright enjoyable" feels spot on to me. I've found that some relationships allow space for this to take place, and some simply don't, and whether someone is a good candidate for sharing rest seems to have a great deal to do with that person's ability to sit in presence. (Perhaps this is why films and shows very rarely leave me feeling rested: partly because they feel like active relational engagement, and partly because they feel like a dip out of full-body presence.)
I'm curious to know your thoughts on how waiting for collapse in order to "force" rest affects that subsequent doing of nothing. I find for myself that if I wait until I'm lost in a haze or falling to pieces in order to rest, the resting that happens is not rest at all but an act of survivalism that involves checking out of the daily rituals not to relax but to overcompensate because I truly CAN'T do anything else at that point. Which certainly suggests that coding rest into the sequence of one's days and weeks seems not just a luxury but a necessity in order to truly access its healing.
Yes, absolutely agree that waiting to be "forced" to rest is far from the best approach. Unfortunately it has been a pattern for me, but I am very much trying to move into what you describe, which is to actually rest even when I have the capacity to do more and more and more. Very not easy for me.
I also think your observation is on point about certain people being the type who can co-rest. And putting yourself around the other type of person when you really need to rest can just increase the difficulty/guilt/feelings of needing to do more.
Well said Jan. There are folks who allow our heart and soul to rest in their presence and others who are positively energizing or energy robbing. Communal rest would be dependent on the crowd, but when it's the right people it's the best!
Shutting down to survive is not the form of rest we are looking for. I wrote in a comment that I am nourished by unrestricted time. If I am shattered by the challenges of the day it doesn't matter how free I am with my time I am simply in survival mode rather than nourishment mode. Big difference for my being.
Thank you so much for this excellent, thought provoking newsletter. Rest is something I have thought a great deal about and I constantly 'chuckle' (while biting my tongue in half) at the difference in my husband and my definition of rest!
I agree with all of you that napping is wonderful and being fully cared for would be a marvelous and very restful adventure, one that I haven't tried for about 40 years, but I yearn for it.
One thing I have found most nourishing, and as rare as a unicorn, is unrestricted time. The occasion where I have absolutely nothing and no one on the schedule is about as restful as I think I can feel.
That is rest! Time and space! When I could walk a lot I loved going for long walks, the French have a term ‘flaneur’ for strolling without purpose. One day...
When I first separated from my ex-husband, I established a 10 minute morning routine that provided me with a greater feeling of rest than anything else I had previously tried to insert into my daily life as “rest-inducing.” It was so simple: a spoken recitation of all those things I was grateful for, followed by several minutes of sitting, eyes closed, simply listening to and concentrating on ambient sounds. This was my meditation, and I forced myself to do it in the early morning, when I am typically most energetic. This routine worked wonders: it left me calm, focused, restored and energized.
Currently, rest (now I'M wondering what the definition of rest!) is been interesting to navigate! Even during my 2-week break from public writing, I still wrote. BUT, it wasn't forced. Drafts and full poem pieces and such just flowed to me and I'd let it come. Anything I was excited about, I'd try to let myself do. Or just focus on what was going on around me with less antsy thoughts such as "I need to do some writing! I need to do some work! I need to look busy! I can't let people think I'm lazy!"
It felt good the one time I did it, haha.
I know it's rest when it doesn't feel naggy like I "should" or "need" to do certain things for productivity's sake. Sometimes though, that includes talking myself into playing a video game or watching an anime until it feel "just right", cause I'd tell myself I "didn't deserve it" a lot in the past, until I was "productive enough."
I haven't rested with others before! Once I was at a friends and she and her friend were chilling on the phone while the TV was playing a show and I COULDN'T HANDLE SITTING THERE. I wanted SO BAD to go home to fidget with work or rest alone I guess?
But then on a cruise, naturally, I felt better about resting. Shoot, there was no WiFi so I HAD to rest. But it felt good to lay outside and fall asleep.
The Healingpalooza you had seems so beneficial though when you add the intention around it! Kinda like how we have the intention to work at a cafe cause of the energy of everyone else.
Hmmm... And I'm not sure what the difference for me between rest and distraction/entertainment is. I felt like resting could include giving a show your undivided attention or a videogame or something. I think my biggest stretch would be to return to bed and play games and watch TV all day. I WANT to, but have yet to do it for fear of being judged (because I don't have a "job" or make an income that makes me feel "worthy" of that type of break around family members).
The way you fleshed out what a day of rest could really be, really started making my wheels turn!
How have you been able to differentiate rest from distraction? How does rest leave you feeling and how does distraction/entertainment (like my Marvelous Mrs. Maisel watching) leave you feeling?
Love hearing all your thoughts on this. One thing I think is definitely true about entertainment is that the "restiness" (to use Michelle's word) of it varies for different people, and also the length of time can impact "restiness". Like, if I play a video game or even watch someone else play, it can be pretty stressful for me (in that it is exciting my nervous system's stress response.) My husband on the other hand feels genuinely relaxed by the opportunity that a good video game provides to be transported and engrossed in another world. I also find, like you, that the length of time I'm watching matters. If I intentionally snuggle up for a couple hours to watch a show I've been really loving, I can leave feeling great. If I just end up doing the Netflix version of doom-scrolling to the next recommended romcom (yes, that is what gets recommended to me), then I will inevitably feel fried.
Oooh these are good points as well! It feels like a timer is counting down the time I was "supposed" to spend on relaxing if it's not "optimal" enough(?). I never really dove into these thoughts that occur so often, so thank you for writing about this! I'll definitely explore it more in my own life.
I appreciate this angle of rest in relation to others. I had never thought before how rest is communal, but it totally is! It is terribly hard to rest when my husband is flitting around me doing all of the things. Those messages about being lazy and having things to do are so hard to unlearn and exacerbated by my role as a stay at home mom (I don't "work" so clearly I don't need rest).
Ugh that voice saying that if you don't "work" (in a very narrowly defined sense) then you don't deserve to rest are so strong and hard to quiet. I definitely have that too.
Thank you for discussing the pain of un-learning when we are already so tired. I told my psychologist this week that I just wanted a week (or 2) of being taken care of, of meals & clean clothes appearing without my involvement so I could rest, and they looked wistful and said that most of us want that sometimes.
I had never heard of "burnt chop syndrome" though have definitely experienced it, thanks for providing the name. Even at healingpalooza I was often preoccupied with thoughts like "I should be cooking," and "am I pitching in enough?"
Definitely feel you on both the "burnt chop syndrome" and the earnest desire to be cared for. I had to confront that desire head-on after some recent deep burnout, and realized I needed to start creating my own systems to enable me to keep going. I.e. choosing to take days off from meal prep by doubling up on other days, using my crockpot, etc; time blocking to mentally take chores off my plate when it isn't the allotted time, and then doing nothing but focusing on those chores during the time I do plan for them. In some ways it feels like more effort to install those systems to create space, but every time I do I am so grateful to my past self and her wisdom.
Yes, exactly. I no longer cook a single meal. The things we learn. I even thank Past Me - I’m leveraging my caring tendencies for ME 😁 And still... we wonder why we struggle to rest.
I just wrote about attending fellow Substacker Christine Wolf’s Write-to-Heal retreat. Hosted at Civana Spa for 5 days / 4 nights, it was the perfect healing opportunity: all meals prepared, tons of active / meditative classes for free, every choice a healthy one. But what really made it special was the ten women in attendance; none of whom I knew prior, all of whom had experienced some trauma (but these days, which of us haven’t) and were interested in writing’s role in the healing process.
I’ve done years of therapy to process a 4+ year cancer journey, and the retreat was more than I could have imagined. The writing workshops helped me release guilt and shame I had carried for over a decade, and the community allowed me to see my own experience with fresh eyes.
I left feeling like every one of us should be taking dedicated time to heal like this. Thanks for voicing that important sentiment!
This sounds like an incredible retreat and opportunity to rest. May I ask - was it organized by an individual, or is there an organization that offers this?
It was organized by an individual - fellow Substacker Christine Wolf. Christine is a memoir coach who uses writing as a tool to help people heal from trauma. This was her first retreat but I am confident it won’t be her last!
I'm an 80s kid. Hustle culture. Your value as a human is in productivity. Slowing down = stopping = death. Rest challenges everything my kind of life is built on. And it's a worthwhile challenge, to be sure. But it introduces an entirely new equation. Rest = risk. What if I'm not productive? What if I don't start back up again? Where, then, is my value?
Yeah, I do know better. But those voices inside me still remind me of these problems, and they keep me from discovering the beauty of rest and self-care.
You’re starting at a high level. I’m doing a ‘Creating Energy’ workshop with Gaudi Yardi and she advocates - supported by research - a 2 minute change when you start making a change. Even stopping what you’re doing and closing your eyes for 2 minutes can be wildly uncomfortable if you’ve never done it. I highly recommend Gauri’s workshops - she has lived experience.
I have way too many of those version one days when extreme fatigue makes me sleep so much and the only thing that makes it a little better is learning, slowly, to be gentle with myself and not add judgment to those days.
Love this story of healing rest with others. My bestie and I have “whine and wine” days at his place that feel like rest. With another friend it is slow urban walks. My favorite rest is snuggles with my partner and/or my pups. Watching the dogs play can be rest for me. Reading often feels restful for me and I incorporate a lot of it into my days.
I also “watch” a lot of tv (it’s on, it’s formulaic, I am often not exactly watching) and listen to true crime podcasts and I go back and forth on what role this plays for me and whether or not I “should” do this less. Sometimes doing it gets me in this great almost meditative daydream state that is actually nourishing. Sometimes I realize I have had other people’s words in my brain for so long I have forgotten how to think. It’s an ongoing process. Again gentleness with self helps. There is always the option in every next minute to choose differently if I want to. ❤️
I relate to the struggle of whether the rest is ‘resty’ enough. I am finding that I can fry my word brain even with enjoyable stimulation like a good podcast or an audiobook. After a point they’re enjoyable but not restorative, its not an easy line, and ‘rest with shame is not rest’. Neither is kying down with FOMO. So I work on including non-verbal rest as well - including sensory meditations like you describe.
You and me both, Robin. I doubt I would (have begun to) learn about rest if I wasn’t medically required. Partly I write hoping that others won’t have to learn the hard way.
I have been wrangling with my own relationship to rest versus all-that-is-not-rest, as well, and I’ve found a few things factoring in:
- listening, and really getting to know and respond to my body’s signals
- Prioritising my body
- Living “restfully” when I don’t have the resources to rest how I optimally would… this takes a lot of micro-changes which I think has really saved me from collapse/full-blown PND.
- Living Restfully often involves lowering my standards, and worrying less about what others think of me (VERY hard for me to do)
THEN I sit and wonder will I ever achieve anything of note at this pace, and does this even matter, and is this all just temporary (because it feels like and eternity- life with a chronic non-sleeping child after 3 years), and what is my life anyway, as long as I’m being kind to others, blah blah yada yada!!
Also, adding this as I see others’ comments pop up, must make mention of the absolute prevalence of burnout!! Pointing the finger at you, lack of supportive community structures!! :(
Sometimes I can take a nap with my husband. But mostly, I nap by myself or lie down and close my eyes. I fall asleep often in a big armchair, but resist it because a nap in it for longer than 10 minutes is disaster for my back.
I believe in naps. Naps and a cat saved my life.
When we moved to the house we live in now, I was seriously depressed. Tired all the time although only working part-time. I had also sprained my ankle, badly and had to shlep my son to school every day. It was the equivalent of 3 blocks from my house, but limping with my son next to me, and chatting with a neighbor and her kids were all I seemed able to do.
I would get home, get back into bed and my cat would come and purr on my chest. That was how I spent the the first couple of months living in our "new" house.
If it hadn't been for my cat and child, I might have died, I think. I finally got to the doctor. She prescribed an anti depressant and gave me the name of a therapist, and I gradually got better.
So when I get tired and confused and my brain won't take another step, that's what I do now. I go lie down. Sometimes a cat will will lie down next to me or at my feet -- these cats are not like my old, cuddling cat (he passed in 2016). But I just lie down and remind myself of the healing that sleep and rest can do. Who am I hurting if I don't rest? Myself and by extension, those with whom I have a relationship that involves caring. Who am I hurting if I do rest? No one. It's a quiet win.
I love this: "Who am I hurting if I don't rest? Myself and by extension, those with whom I have a relationship that involves caring. Who am I hurting if I do rest? No one. It's a quiet win."
Also, yes to cats/pets. I got a dog for the first time a couple years ago and I finally get it. Didn't understand what all the fuss was about. Now that cuddlemuffin has gotten me through a lot.
“when I get tired and confused and my brain won't take another step, that's what I do now. I go lie down” i’m learning that life is even better if I can identify an earlier warning sign. My brain thanks me when I manage it. Being irritated by *everything* is, for me, the next ring out. Being disinclined to do stuff is an early warning - that comes with a lot of inner critic thanks to our culture-installed fears that we’re lazy...we’re really not because we get up & get doing the moment we have a scrap of capacity.
I think it's a mark of wisdom to be able to see the signs before the irritation (or worse) sets in, and take action. Still working on that.
Easier on everyone, when we manage it. Pushing is the cause of unnecessary suffering, and can even lead to permanent injury, but its such a part of our culture.
There is nothing quite like a good cuddling cat. They are so wonderful, and so missed when they depart.
A friend recently told me she thinks a cat should be prescribed the minute anyone gets a chronic energy limiting illness. My two are cuddling me as I type.
For me what works is having a very regular resting schedule. I try to get a good nights sleep and at least an hour of rest every weekday. I don’t any work chores or errands on Saturdays. And I take a week off of everything every three months.
Because I get so much regular rest I never crash and burn out.
For me resting = walking, reading on the couch, day dreaming and hanging out with fun people I really love.
It’s a very nice way to live!
It took me a few years of trial and error to figure out what works for me. And I imagine I’ll need to keep tweaking as my life changes.
I really like hearing your specific schedule and resting activities - definitely gives some inspiration, thanks!
So lovely to hear of your cultivated rhythm, Anne. I have so much admiration and appreciation for people who choose restfulness, especially when a rest-limited/rest-less life seems to be frequently glorified.
Rest-less life is such a great way to characterize it!
Oh, mini-healingpaloozas sound wonderful! Just reading about your beautiful retreat has me inspired to create something small and intimate within our own home this summer, bringing people in simply to ground into the blissful doing of nothing.
The idea of rest being interconnected with the presence of community is a fascinating one to me. I think you're SO right about it being more nourishing than simply resting alone, and your description of it feeling "boundless and unconstrained and slow and useless and surprising and downright enjoyable" feels spot on to me. I've found that some relationships allow space for this to take place, and some simply don't, and whether someone is a good candidate for sharing rest seems to have a great deal to do with that person's ability to sit in presence. (Perhaps this is why films and shows very rarely leave me feeling rested: partly because they feel like active relational engagement, and partly because they feel like a dip out of full-body presence.)
I'm curious to know your thoughts on how waiting for collapse in order to "force" rest affects that subsequent doing of nothing. I find for myself that if I wait until I'm lost in a haze or falling to pieces in order to rest, the resting that happens is not rest at all but an act of survivalism that involves checking out of the daily rituals not to relax but to overcompensate because I truly CAN'T do anything else at that point. Which certainly suggests that coding rest into the sequence of one's days and weeks seems not just a luxury but a necessity in order to truly access its healing.
Yes, absolutely agree that waiting to be "forced" to rest is far from the best approach. Unfortunately it has been a pattern for me, but I am very much trying to move into what you describe, which is to actually rest even when I have the capacity to do more and more and more. Very not easy for me.
I also think your observation is on point about certain people being the type who can co-rest. And putting yourself around the other type of person when you really need to rest can just increase the difficulty/guilt/feelings of needing to do more.
Well said Jan. There are folks who allow our heart and soul to rest in their presence and others who are positively energizing or energy robbing. Communal rest would be dependent on the crowd, but when it's the right people it's the best!
Shutting down to survive is not the form of rest we are looking for. I wrote in a comment that I am nourished by unrestricted time. If I am shattered by the challenges of the day it doesn't matter how free I am with my time I am simply in survival mode rather than nourishment mode. Big difference for my being.
This! ^ ❤️
Thank you so much for this excellent, thought provoking newsletter. Rest is something I have thought a great deal about and I constantly 'chuckle' (while biting my tongue in half) at the difference in my husband and my definition of rest!
I agree with all of you that napping is wonderful and being fully cared for would be a marvelous and very restful adventure, one that I haven't tried for about 40 years, but I yearn for it.
One thing I have found most nourishing, and as rare as a unicorn, is unrestricted time. The occasion where I have absolutely nothing and no one on the schedule is about as restful as I think I can feel.
That is rest! Time and space! When I could walk a lot I loved going for long walks, the French have a term ‘flaneur’ for strolling without purpose. One day...
Flaneur, how lovely. Sending you healing vibes from Canada. May you have a leisurely walk in your future💕
When I first separated from my ex-husband, I established a 10 minute morning routine that provided me with a greater feeling of rest than anything else I had previously tried to insert into my daily life as “rest-inducing.” It was so simple: a spoken recitation of all those things I was grateful for, followed by several minutes of sitting, eyes closed, simply listening to and concentrating on ambient sounds. This was my meditation, and I forced myself to do it in the early morning, when I am typically most energetic. This routine worked wonders: it left me calm, focused, restored and energized.
Lovely, Elizabeth!
Currently, rest (now I'M wondering what the definition of rest!) is been interesting to navigate! Even during my 2-week break from public writing, I still wrote. BUT, it wasn't forced. Drafts and full poem pieces and such just flowed to me and I'd let it come. Anything I was excited about, I'd try to let myself do. Or just focus on what was going on around me with less antsy thoughts such as "I need to do some writing! I need to do some work! I need to look busy! I can't let people think I'm lazy!"
It felt good the one time I did it, haha.
I know it's rest when it doesn't feel naggy like I "should" or "need" to do certain things for productivity's sake. Sometimes though, that includes talking myself into playing a video game or watching an anime until it feel "just right", cause I'd tell myself I "didn't deserve it" a lot in the past, until I was "productive enough."
I haven't rested with others before! Once I was at a friends and she and her friend were chilling on the phone while the TV was playing a show and I COULDN'T HANDLE SITTING THERE. I wanted SO BAD to go home to fidget with work or rest alone I guess?
But then on a cruise, naturally, I felt better about resting. Shoot, there was no WiFi so I HAD to rest. But it felt good to lay outside and fall asleep.
The Healingpalooza you had seems so beneficial though when you add the intention around it! Kinda like how we have the intention to work at a cafe cause of the energy of everyone else.
Hmmm... And I'm not sure what the difference for me between rest and distraction/entertainment is. I felt like resting could include giving a show your undivided attention or a videogame or something. I think my biggest stretch would be to return to bed and play games and watch TV all day. I WANT to, but have yet to do it for fear of being judged (because I don't have a "job" or make an income that makes me feel "worthy" of that type of break around family members).
The way you fleshed out what a day of rest could really be, really started making my wheels turn!
How have you been able to differentiate rest from distraction? How does rest leave you feeling and how does distraction/entertainment (like my Marvelous Mrs. Maisel watching) leave you feeling?
Love hearing all your thoughts on this. One thing I think is definitely true about entertainment is that the "restiness" (to use Michelle's word) of it varies for different people, and also the length of time can impact "restiness". Like, if I play a video game or even watch someone else play, it can be pretty stressful for me (in that it is exciting my nervous system's stress response.) My husband on the other hand feels genuinely relaxed by the opportunity that a good video game provides to be transported and engrossed in another world. I also find, like you, that the length of time I'm watching matters. If I intentionally snuggle up for a couple hours to watch a show I've been really loving, I can leave feeling great. If I just end up doing the Netflix version of doom-scrolling to the next recommended romcom (yes, that is what gets recommended to me), then I will inevitably feel fried.
Oooh these are good points as well! It feels like a timer is counting down the time I was "supposed" to spend on relaxing if it's not "optimal" enough(?). I never really dove into these thoughts that occur so often, so thank you for writing about this! I'll definitely explore it more in my own life.
I appreciate this angle of rest in relation to others. I had never thought before how rest is communal, but it totally is! It is terribly hard to rest when my husband is flitting around me doing all of the things. Those messages about being lazy and having things to do are so hard to unlearn and exacerbated by my role as a stay at home mom (I don't "work" so clearly I don't need rest).
Ugh that voice saying that if you don't "work" (in a very narrowly defined sense) then you don't deserve to rest are so strong and hard to quiet. I definitely have that too.
Your healingpalooza sounds wonderful Rae. I have envy and also I struggle to rest in the presence of other humans because of ‘burnt chop syndrome” - where the women puts others’ needs ahead of her own (https://www.oup.com.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0017/145700/WOTM-September-2019-burnt-chop-syndrome.pdf)
Thank you for discussing the pain of un-learning when we are already so tired. I told my psychologist this week that I just wanted a week (or 2) of being taken care of, of meals & clean clothes appearing without my involvement so I could rest, and they looked wistful and said that most of us want that sometimes.
I had never heard of "burnt chop syndrome" though have definitely experienced it, thanks for providing the name. Even at healingpalooza I was often preoccupied with thoughts like "I should be cooking," and "am I pitching in enough?"
Yes, heaven forbid we should ever do one iota less than ‘a touch more than anyone else’ lest we be lazy, entitled, or needy.
Definitely feel you on both the "burnt chop syndrome" and the earnest desire to be cared for. I had to confront that desire head-on after some recent deep burnout, and realized I needed to start creating my own systems to enable me to keep going. I.e. choosing to take days off from meal prep by doubling up on other days, using my crockpot, etc; time blocking to mentally take chores off my plate when it isn't the allotted time, and then doing nothing but focusing on those chores during the time I do plan for them. In some ways it feels like more effort to install those systems to create space, but every time I do I am so grateful to my past self and her wisdom.
Yes, exactly. I no longer cook a single meal. The things we learn. I even thank Past Me - I’m leveraging my caring tendencies for ME 😁 And still... we wonder why we struggle to rest.
I love that there is a term for this. Except I don't love that it exists. Very much relate to the desire to just be taken care of for a week.
I just wrote about attending fellow Substacker Christine Wolf’s Write-to-Heal retreat. Hosted at Civana Spa for 5 days / 4 nights, it was the perfect healing opportunity: all meals prepared, tons of active / meditative classes for free, every choice a healthy one. But what really made it special was the ten women in attendance; none of whom I knew prior, all of whom had experienced some trauma (but these days, which of us haven’t) and were interested in writing’s role in the healing process.
I’ve done years of therapy to process a 4+ year cancer journey, and the retreat was more than I could have imagined. The writing workshops helped me release guilt and shame I had carried for over a decade, and the community allowed me to see my own experience with fresh eyes.
I left feeling like every one of us should be taking dedicated time to heal like this. Thanks for voicing that important sentiment!
This sounds like an incredible retreat and opportunity to rest. May I ask - was it organized by an individual, or is there an organization that offers this?
It was organized by an individual - fellow Substacker Christine Wolf. Christine is a memoir coach who uses writing as a tool to help people heal from trauma. This was her first retreat but I am confident it won’t be her last!
Very cool!
I literally have no idea how to rest. There. I said it.
Its not like it is modelled or taught. Mostly we discover it, by accident, as an illicit pleasure - if we’re lucky.
I'm an 80s kid. Hustle culture. Your value as a human is in productivity. Slowing down = stopping = death. Rest challenges everything my kind of life is built on. And it's a worthwhile challenge, to be sure. But it introduces an entirely new equation. Rest = risk. What if I'm not productive? What if I don't start back up again? Where, then, is my value?
Yeah, I do know better. But those voices inside me still remind me of these problems, and they keep me from discovering the beauty of rest and self-care.
✋ 80's kid too, same, same, same, and same. Funny how "knowing better" actually doesn't help that much...
Here are a few ideas for self-care, I.e. taking a break. It is a good place to start.
Take a walk.
Put the phone down.
Go to bed early.
Make a list of things you are grateful for.
Drink water, and stretch.
Talk to a friend.
Write in a journal
Stare into space.
Reach out to friends and discuss arranging "afternoon retreats".
You’re starting at a high level. I’m doing a ‘Creating Energy’ workshop with Gaudi Yardi and she advocates - supported by research - a 2 minute change when you start making a change. Even stopping what you’re doing and closing your eyes for 2 minutes can be wildly uncomfortable if you’ve never done it. I highly recommend Gauri’s workshops - she has lived experience.
Thanks for the rec!
I have way too many of those version one days when extreme fatigue makes me sleep so much and the only thing that makes it a little better is learning, slowly, to be gentle with myself and not add judgment to those days.
Love this story of healing rest with others. My bestie and I have “whine and wine” days at his place that feel like rest. With another friend it is slow urban walks. My favorite rest is snuggles with my partner and/or my pups. Watching the dogs play can be rest for me. Reading often feels restful for me and I incorporate a lot of it into my days.
I also “watch” a lot of tv (it’s on, it’s formulaic, I am often not exactly watching) and listen to true crime podcasts and I go back and forth on what role this plays for me and whether or not I “should” do this less. Sometimes doing it gets me in this great almost meditative daydream state that is actually nourishing. Sometimes I realize I have had other people’s words in my brain for so long I have forgotten how to think. It’s an ongoing process. Again gentleness with self helps. There is always the option in every next minute to choose differently if I want to. ❤️
I relate to the struggle of whether the rest is ‘resty’ enough. I am finding that I can fry my word brain even with enjoyable stimulation like a good podcast or an audiobook. After a point they’re enjoyable but not restorative, its not an easy line, and ‘rest with shame is not rest’. Neither is kying down with FOMO. So I work on including non-verbal rest as well - including sensory meditations like you describe.
To that end I am going to get a much needed massage today
You and me both, Robin. I doubt I would (have begun to) learn about rest if I wasn’t medically required. Partly I write hoping that others won’t have to learn the hard way.
I have been wrangling with my own relationship to rest versus all-that-is-not-rest, as well, and I’ve found a few things factoring in:
- listening, and really getting to know and respond to my body’s signals
- Prioritising my body
- Living “restfully” when I don’t have the resources to rest how I optimally would… this takes a lot of micro-changes which I think has really saved me from collapse/full-blown PND.
- Living Restfully often involves lowering my standards, and worrying less about what others think of me (VERY hard for me to do)
THEN I sit and wonder will I ever achieve anything of note at this pace, and does this even matter, and is this all just temporary (because it feels like and eternity- life with a chronic non-sleeping child after 3 years), and what is my life anyway, as long as I’m being kind to others, blah blah yada yada!!
Also, adding this as I see others’ comments pop up, must make mention of the absolute prevalence of burnout!! Pointing the finger at you, lack of supportive community structures!! :(
Music. Reading and going for a walk/jog. Primarily alone. So not impinging or impinged by others.