Thank you for articulating this, Rachel. This is what I’ve been trying to learn to do - to pay closer attention to myself and my truth. Which… is harder than it sounds, somehow.
These days, I have a better idea of what I would like my life to look like and I gently push towards this, one step at a time. Sometimes those steps are tiny, sometimes they are larger. And I try to stop and evaluate things as often as is necessary.
In the past, I’ve waited until my body and brain have been screaming at me before I’ve stopped to evaluate. Nowadays I’m better at listening to them speaking at a normal volume. Sometimes I even remember to check in with them first! (I use the IFS therapeutic model for this.)
"I've waited until my body and brain have been screaming at me"...yes! Totally. I've heard about IFS but have never tried it myself, thanks for sharing that approach, I always like to know what's working for others.
PS I know I own you a message re: LIL! Was a bit sick yesterday and trying not to push too much :) :)
Ah I love how you tie this to IFS, Emma! I've been also marinating in the question of how much to push (thank you for this piece, Rachel!). Currently I'm mostly in the zero zone after too long in the "push until my arms are spaghetti" zone. I write some pieces here on Substack with my parts to sort through things - maybe I should put this piece and the questions in it on the table for them next.
IFS is so helpful because its a way we can talk with both the part that wants to push and the part that is whispering—or screaming—to stop, without invalidating or ignoring either. I’ve not done it as a formal psychotherapy process just what I’ve picked up in podcasts.
Yes. That is what I really like about IFS. That we can have multiple 'parts' to us, saying different things. And we can treat them all as having something valuable to say, even if we don't fully agree with them.
This is such a timely post for me! It is the summer, and a bit slow at work and I instantly feel bored and wonder if I need more exciting projects (or even a different job?!) to avoid this feeling of boredom. Because for me being bored means it feels nearly impossible to push myself to get things done, while with all the new project energy I can move mountains. But I also know that in the past I've enthusiastically said yes to too many exciting projects and nearly burned out from having too much on my plate. Striking that balance is something I've been trying with very mixed success for over a decade now...
So true!! I can do the same amount in one day and feel great, or two weeks and feel awful, and it all depends on my energy for the project and my health and my kids and so many other factors...learning to read that is key.
This feels very familiar to me, Danielle. For my mental health, and particularly in relation to my ADHD, I need to be busy and have things to get enthusiastic about. But I also need to proceed very carefully because I am dealing with low energy levels and pain, and in order to avoid burning out (which I have done repeatedly).
This really resonated with me. As someone with an autoimmune disease and a painful personality (I don’t call myself a “perfectionist,” but often get the feeling that nothing I do is ever enough), I have to constantly remind myself that it is ok to not do everything. However, I also think of all the possibilities this life has to offer, and get fomo for the things I am not doing. Tricky balance! Thank you for writing this, and putting into words what I often feel but hadn’t yet put into perspective. I will take your Goldilocks anecdote to heart, and remind myself that the bed, the bowl, the chair that’s right for me, is not always what fits others best. 🤍
I've never heard the phrase "painful personality"--that's one I'll be thinking about. I hope you can give yourself the grace you're describing, it's definitely so hard!
Great essay Rachel and a perpetual conundrum. I like how enough pushing as you describe it is fun, its not neutral or average or median. Maybe that is where we go in our heads when we try to ‘not do too much’? I think if we’ve ever been seduced into the weird high of running too hard at a goal that we want for the wrong reasons that feel like the right reasons, we get scared of pleasure. Its like we only found pleasure in pain, before, so we’re confused. Oh no! (We think) the last time I enjoyed something it so ended badly... I’m beginning to learn to mistrust any hint of ‘this feels good because I am doing a Hard Thing which will Be Good For Society (or Me) for socially approved reasons” in favour of a more exploratory: “hey this feels good! No idea why... Maybe do a bit more, see if it still feels good?”
Tooooootally. So much nuance here, I always appreciate that from you Michelle! Yes, I've scared myself with overdoing it, and now I don't want to do anything at all? What a weird position. But naming it feels like the first step.
Fantastic insight and reflections. Such a mysterious topic that many millions of us would benefit from exploring.
Your conversation with Emma Simpson the other week inspired me to write about my own struggle with slowing down, letting go of the push/force/strive energy and culture and all I’ve learnt.
I made a start this morning, wrote one blog, turned into part 2 and there looks to be a 3rd in the pipeline. Its brought up an awful lot for me to process, so much grief. I knew there was some there but I didn’t know this was it and it’s alot. So it’ll take as long as it takes to share but it’s coming ☺️
Kismet that this landed in my inbox this morning. My husband and I were just talking about how to push ourselves without pushing ourselves into burnout. As an anxiety-fueled type-A, I've recently discovered an amount of peace I didn't know I could have by just relaxing a bit. Accepting that there's no amount of effort I can put in to have everything be perfect, and putting in an amount of effort that's more sustainable, instead of constantly going through boom-bust cycles in my determination to fix everything. Thanks for sharing!
Total serendipity! Yes yes and yes to everything you are saying. Not sure your age, but I'm 36 and this seems like a journey a lot of my peers are one right now.
34. 😊 It helps that it's summer and I'm not suffering from SADS, but I think this mental adjustment has done a lot to curtail the anxiety I often suffer. I'm hoping that the peace and happiness I'm feeling (along with doing a natural cycle instead of being overly juiced on Progesterone) helps my upcoming third transfer attempt succeed? Btw, I really appreciate you sharing your IVF journey. I have not yet released a free newsletter post about mine. Still feels too tender.
Ah yeah, I couldn't really share about it until I wasn't in the thick of it. Really hoping for success for you. My first child required 3 embryos and my second required 4 and I also had a miscarriage in there--I think it's not talked about enough that so many people go through so many repeated attempts.
Oh this resonates SO MUCH. In particular the running part because it's something I'm trying to figure out as a recovering chronic long-distance always-pushing runner, but in other aspects of my life as well.
I have a tendency to grind hard (writing, work, running, book clubs, whatever), burn out from doing All The Things too intensely, scale back. I've been more conscious of it the last couple of years and do it less so now, plus having my first kid forced me to pull back on a lot, but like you it's not something I have much practice doing. The other day I asked my therapist: "How will I know if I'm pushing myself too much?" Unfortunately she didn't have an answer! 😂
Thanks for sharing Betsy! This is all so familiar to me, so, so familiar. But I think we are both taking an important first step by acknowledging the dynamics at play. And FWIW, I think that for me, there have been few moments where I have realllllly been able to listen to my body's signals, really really listen, and in those signals I can tell if the push is too much, too little, or the right amount. So hard though - not something I have practiced before my thirties.
The concept of pushing myself “just right,” like Goldilocks’ chair, is globally relevant in my life right now. I’m feeling out how much rest fuels my work, and how much work allows me to deeply inhabit my rest, freed from anxiety or guilt.
Reading your article, surprisingly, transported me to my early twenties, recovering from years of disordered eating. It was the first time I learned to listen to my body. When was I hungry, when was I full, when did I need to eat regardless, because my body needed nutrients? Very complicated questions for a girl who spent years viewing hunger pains as a personal challenge.
As I continue to thoughtfully search for and observe that balance of pushing without punishing, I’ve found that the most crucial element is being gracious with myself.
I love this framing: "how much rest fuels my work, and how much work allows me to deeply inhabit my rest, freed from anxiety or guilt." That's a great framing.
Interesting that this also related to your recovery from disordered eating - that totally makes sense. I think a lot of us could probably benefit from tuning in more to what our body is actually telling us about hunger/fullness.
Great framing of this phenomena. I have also found this to be true in my own life. I wish I had realized it before I turned 60, but better later than never.
This article articulates the tension of "how much" so well, I too wish I had realized it before v late 50s, I am currently searching for balance after a period of 0%. Better late than never resonates alongside wistful other days. All the best for balanced days ahead.
Best to you as well. I have found balance is sometimes a push ad well. I have learned to set aside some things I thought I “must” do in order to slow things down a bit.
My take on it is that we pick up the "pushing" amounts from our childhood, our parents, the people around us and these days social media.
It's probably deep into our psychology of "feeling like we belong". We look at the "tribe" to see what they are doing and then set ourselves goals based on that and look for validation that we are indeed doing as well as everyone in the tribe. The issue these days is the tribe is no longer 20 people village, is thousands of people online sharing only highlights and unrealistic views of how much they are pushing themselves. So we are left confused and take on these fake pushing levels.
Cheers to you for getting to this insight! No one has ever been thought to listen to their own body and mind, connect with it and do what feels right.
Like so many have commented, your piece found me at just the right moment, thank you so much Rachel! I return to work after 12 months of parenting leave tomorrow, and this question was bouncing around in my skull - you have given me such a great foundation to keep exploring it, thank you
I push myself until my tears alert me I’ve pushed too much. When I’m able to walk (chronic disease) I forget to walk only far enough so I can still make it home. I am not a good judge until I feel the tears. I am trying to push through the pain. Just today I decided enough is enough. I’m 71 and if I need my doctor recommended and prescribed pain pills, I’m going to take them, and not feel guilty . Now I just need to push myself to take the pill.
Isn't that the corporate concept of being 'whelmed' to achieve best strategical thinking? When you've overwhelmed you're not useful to anyone even when you push, if you're underwhelmed there's no pushing at all. But comfortably whelmed? push comes from skilled curiosity and gap analysis. Blah blah.
Thank you for writing this. This is the first article I've read of yours and I found it so relatable - I love your writing. This 0-100 thinking is something I battle with in mostly every area of my life. I'm so glad you found an area where you nailed it and can 'show yourself' that it's not a curse, & it's not 'you'. I'm going to take a *very little* run today - you've inspired me!
Love this Rachel! Particularly the recognition that finding that balance of "just rightness" changes and requires us to listen to our body constantly. I remember when I reclaimed the word "Discipline" for myself. Instead of thinking of it as a word about willpower and pushing myself, it's more about devotion and committing myself to the things that feel good for me, which is a forever changing thing!
Thanks Rachel! This resonates with me on so many levels. It reminds me a lot of my exploration of burnout, where pushing oneself too hard is one of the factors. I write it in this formula: burnout occurs when drive > recharge rate - environmental drain. Us Type A folks like to "give it our all" but giving our all is what leaves us depleted. So then, for me, the pendulum swung the other way and I tried to really reduce my drive as much as possible. It was great in a way because I was much less likely to burnout and was much less stressed which was life changing for me. But I found myself demotivated again - life kind of lost its color. And then I stumbled upon the much less known idea called Rust Out. Apparently our systems need stress/strain. Without it, our systems get too relaxed - they power down and do the bare minimum which can also leave us demotivated and listless. And so, like all things in life, there's a balance which you describe here. The Buddhists point to this idea with the eightfold path factor Wise Effort, which like most things in Buddhism, didn't really make sense to me until I could ground it my lived experienced.
Thank you for articulating this, Rachel. This is what I’ve been trying to learn to do - to pay closer attention to myself and my truth. Which… is harder than it sounds, somehow.
These days, I have a better idea of what I would like my life to look like and I gently push towards this, one step at a time. Sometimes those steps are tiny, sometimes they are larger. And I try to stop and evaluate things as often as is necessary.
In the past, I’ve waited until my body and brain have been screaming at me before I’ve stopped to evaluate. Nowadays I’m better at listening to them speaking at a normal volume. Sometimes I even remember to check in with them first! (I use the IFS therapeutic model for this.)
"I've waited until my body and brain have been screaming at me"...yes! Totally. I've heard about IFS but have never tried it myself, thanks for sharing that approach, I always like to know what's working for others.
PS I know I own you a message re: LIL! Was a bit sick yesterday and trying not to push too much :) :)
I am a big fan of IFS, I have to admit. I’m sure I will write a post on it before long.
(And absolutely no hurry to reply to me! Be gentle with yourself. :) )
Ah I love how you tie this to IFS, Emma! I've been also marinating in the question of how much to push (thank you for this piece, Rachel!). Currently I'm mostly in the zero zone after too long in the "push until my arms are spaghetti" zone. I write some pieces here on Substack with my parts to sort through things - maybe I should put this piece and the questions in it on the table for them next.
Thank you to both of you!
I would be interested to read how you and your parts answer these questions, Stephanie.
IFS is so helpful because its a way we can talk with both the part that wants to push and the part that is whispering—or screaming—to stop, without invalidating or ignoring either. I’ve not done it as a formal psychotherapy process just what I’ve picked up in podcasts.
Yes. That is what I really like about IFS. That we can have multiple 'parts' to us, saying different things. And we can treat them all as having something valuable to say, even if we don't fully agree with them.
This is such a timely post for me! It is the summer, and a bit slow at work and I instantly feel bored and wonder if I need more exciting projects (or even a different job?!) to avoid this feeling of boredom. Because for me being bored means it feels nearly impossible to push myself to get things done, while with all the new project energy I can move mountains. But I also know that in the past I've enthusiastically said yes to too many exciting projects and nearly burned out from having too much on my plate. Striking that balance is something I've been trying with very mixed success for over a decade now...
So true!! I can do the same amount in one day and feel great, or two weeks and feel awful, and it all depends on my energy for the project and my health and my kids and so many other factors...learning to read that is key.
This feels very familiar to me, Danielle. For my mental health, and particularly in relation to my ADHD, I need to be busy and have things to get enthusiastic about. But I also need to proceed very carefully because I am dealing with low energy levels and pain, and in order to avoid burning out (which I have done repeatedly).
Isn't it interesting that each individual has our own perfect balance? I think that point is often lost in the constant search of optimization.
This really resonated with me. As someone with an autoimmune disease and a painful personality (I don’t call myself a “perfectionist,” but often get the feeling that nothing I do is ever enough), I have to constantly remind myself that it is ok to not do everything. However, I also think of all the possibilities this life has to offer, and get fomo for the things I am not doing. Tricky balance! Thank you for writing this, and putting into words what I often feel but hadn’t yet put into perspective. I will take your Goldilocks anecdote to heart, and remind myself that the bed, the bowl, the chair that’s right for me, is not always what fits others best. 🤍
I've never heard the phrase "painful personality"--that's one I'll be thinking about. I hope you can give yourself the grace you're describing, it's definitely so hard!
Great essay Rachel and a perpetual conundrum. I like how enough pushing as you describe it is fun, its not neutral or average or median. Maybe that is where we go in our heads when we try to ‘not do too much’? I think if we’ve ever been seduced into the weird high of running too hard at a goal that we want for the wrong reasons that feel like the right reasons, we get scared of pleasure. Its like we only found pleasure in pain, before, so we’re confused. Oh no! (We think) the last time I enjoyed something it so ended badly... I’m beginning to learn to mistrust any hint of ‘this feels good because I am doing a Hard Thing which will Be Good For Society (or Me) for socially approved reasons” in favour of a more exploratory: “hey this feels good! No idea why... Maybe do a bit more, see if it still feels good?”
Tooooootally. So much nuance here, I always appreciate that from you Michelle! Yes, I've scared myself with overdoing it, and now I don't want to do anything at all? What a weird position. But naming it feels like the first step.
Oh, yes! That ‘scared of pleasure’ feeling! I’m trying to unlearn that a bit, right now, as part of CBT for my chronic pain…
Fantastic insight and reflections. Such a mysterious topic that many millions of us would benefit from exploring.
Your conversation with Emma Simpson the other week inspired me to write about my own struggle with slowing down, letting go of the push/force/strive energy and culture and all I’ve learnt.
I made a start this morning, wrote one blog, turned into part 2 and there looks to be a 3rd in the pipeline. Its brought up an awful lot for me to process, so much grief. I knew there was some there but I didn’t know this was it and it’s alot. So it’ll take as long as it takes to share but it’s coming ☺️
So excited for that, Amber, and even if you never share it, writing it down can make such a difference! Thanks for the comment :)
Kismet that this landed in my inbox this morning. My husband and I were just talking about how to push ourselves without pushing ourselves into burnout. As an anxiety-fueled type-A, I've recently discovered an amount of peace I didn't know I could have by just relaxing a bit. Accepting that there's no amount of effort I can put in to have everything be perfect, and putting in an amount of effort that's more sustainable, instead of constantly going through boom-bust cycles in my determination to fix everything. Thanks for sharing!
Total serendipity! Yes yes and yes to everything you are saying. Not sure your age, but I'm 36 and this seems like a journey a lot of my peers are one right now.
34. 😊 It helps that it's summer and I'm not suffering from SADS, but I think this mental adjustment has done a lot to curtail the anxiety I often suffer. I'm hoping that the peace and happiness I'm feeling (along with doing a natural cycle instead of being overly juiced on Progesterone) helps my upcoming third transfer attempt succeed? Btw, I really appreciate you sharing your IVF journey. I have not yet released a free newsletter post about mine. Still feels too tender.
Ah yeah, I couldn't really share about it until I wasn't in the thick of it. Really hoping for success for you. My first child required 3 embryos and my second required 4 and I also had a miscarriage in there--I think it's not talked about enough that so many people go through so many repeated attempts.
Oh this resonates SO MUCH. In particular the running part because it's something I'm trying to figure out as a recovering chronic long-distance always-pushing runner, but in other aspects of my life as well.
I have a tendency to grind hard (writing, work, running, book clubs, whatever), burn out from doing All The Things too intensely, scale back. I've been more conscious of it the last couple of years and do it less so now, plus having my first kid forced me to pull back on a lot, but like you it's not something I have much practice doing. The other day I asked my therapist: "How will I know if I'm pushing myself too much?" Unfortunately she didn't have an answer! 😂
Thanks for sharing Betsy! This is all so familiar to me, so, so familiar. But I think we are both taking an important first step by acknowledging the dynamics at play. And FWIW, I think that for me, there have been few moments where I have realllllly been able to listen to my body's signals, really really listen, and in those signals I can tell if the push is too much, too little, or the right amount. So hard though - not something I have practiced before my thirties.
The concept of pushing myself “just right,” like Goldilocks’ chair, is globally relevant in my life right now. I’m feeling out how much rest fuels my work, and how much work allows me to deeply inhabit my rest, freed from anxiety or guilt.
Reading your article, surprisingly, transported me to my early twenties, recovering from years of disordered eating. It was the first time I learned to listen to my body. When was I hungry, when was I full, when did I need to eat regardless, because my body needed nutrients? Very complicated questions for a girl who spent years viewing hunger pains as a personal challenge.
As I continue to thoughtfully search for and observe that balance of pushing without punishing, I’ve found that the most crucial element is being gracious with myself.
I love this framing: "how much rest fuels my work, and how much work allows me to deeply inhabit my rest, freed from anxiety or guilt." That's a great framing.
Interesting that this also related to your recovery from disordered eating - that totally makes sense. I think a lot of us could probably benefit from tuning in more to what our body is actually telling us about hunger/fullness.
Great framing of this phenomena. I have also found this to be true in my own life. I wish I had realized it before I turned 60, but better later than never.
<3
This article articulates the tension of "how much" so well, I too wish I had realized it before v late 50s, I am currently searching for balance after a period of 0%. Better late than never resonates alongside wistful other days. All the best for balanced days ahead.
Best to you as well. I have found balance is sometimes a push ad well. I have learned to set aside some things I thought I “must” do in order to slow things down a bit.
This resonates very well.
My take on it is that we pick up the "pushing" amounts from our childhood, our parents, the people around us and these days social media.
It's probably deep into our psychology of "feeling like we belong". We look at the "tribe" to see what they are doing and then set ourselves goals based on that and look for validation that we are indeed doing as well as everyone in the tribe. The issue these days is the tribe is no longer 20 people village, is thousands of people online sharing only highlights and unrealistic views of how much they are pushing themselves. So we are left confused and take on these fake pushing levels.
Cheers to you for getting to this insight! No one has ever been thought to listen to their own body and mind, connect with it and do what feels right.
I guess we need to create a "tribe" of sorts that is pushing not too much and not too little! Here's to engaging in that project :)
Like so many have commented, your piece found me at just the right moment, thank you so much Rachel! I return to work after 12 months of parenting leave tomorrow, and this question was bouncing around in my skull - you have given me such a great foundation to keep exploring it, thank you
I'm glad this helped, and good luck tomorrow!! That's such a big shift, I hope you can give yourself the time and space to adjust to it all.
I push myself until my tears alert me I’ve pushed too much. When I’m able to walk (chronic disease) I forget to walk only far enough so I can still make it home. I am not a good judge until I feel the tears. I am trying to push through the pain. Just today I decided enough is enough. I’m 71 and if I need my doctor recommended and prescribed pain pills, I’m going to take them, and not feel guilty . Now I just need to push myself to take the pill.
Sending good vibes as you work through the decision to take medication when you need it, and I do hope you can do so without guilt!
Isn't that the corporate concept of being 'whelmed' to achieve best strategical thinking? When you've overwhelmed you're not useful to anyone even when you push, if you're underwhelmed there's no pushing at all. But comfortably whelmed? push comes from skilled curiosity and gap analysis. Blah blah.
Haha, I haven't heard this. Love it. Goal today: be whelmed.
Thank you for writing this. This is the first article I've read of yours and I found it so relatable - I love your writing. This 0-100 thinking is something I battle with in mostly every area of my life. I'm so glad you found an area where you nailed it and can 'show yourself' that it's not a curse, & it's not 'you'. I'm going to take a *very little* run today - you've inspired me!
I hope you had a great tinyrun! And thanks for the kind words, glad to have you here!
Love this Rachel! Particularly the recognition that finding that balance of "just rightness" changes and requires us to listen to our body constantly. I remember when I reclaimed the word "Discipline" for myself. Instead of thinking of it as a word about willpower and pushing myself, it's more about devotion and committing myself to the things that feel good for me, which is a forever changing thing!
Thanks Rachel! This resonates with me on so many levels. It reminds me a lot of my exploration of burnout, where pushing oneself too hard is one of the factors. I write it in this formula: burnout occurs when drive > recharge rate - environmental drain. Us Type A folks like to "give it our all" but giving our all is what leaves us depleted. So then, for me, the pendulum swung the other way and I tried to really reduce my drive as much as possible. It was great in a way because I was much less likely to burnout and was much less stressed which was life changing for me. But I found myself demotivated again - life kind of lost its color. And then I stumbled upon the much less known idea called Rust Out. Apparently our systems need stress/strain. Without it, our systems get too relaxed - they power down and do the bare minimum which can also leave us demotivated and listless. And so, like all things in life, there's a balance which you describe here. The Buddhists point to this idea with the eightfold path factor Wise Effort, which like most things in Buddhism, didn't really make sense to me until I could ground it my lived experienced.